Tag: weight training

Day 4

I went to the gym yesterday (Day 3) and lifted weights. My god. I am a lot weaker than I used to be. I made so much effort that my muscles were shaking when I’d finished and I had to lie down when I got home.

Today I am a bit achey in my abs and chest, perhaps not surprisingly, so I went to the gym again this morning (Day 4), went on the treadmill and climbed a hill for an hour, to give my upper body a rest.

My plan is to swim again tomorrow. Go to the gym on consecutive days as much as is humanly possible (this will become more challenging as work heats up over the next 6 weeks).

The Weakly Weigh-In is on Fridays now. First one this Friday.



It is 8am and I am getting ready to go to the gym for the third consecutive day. I am going to re-start weight training today for real. I haven’t done any for absolutely ages but I am motivated by memories of a couple of summers ago when I had really good arms.

It is a bit daunting because I don’t even know if I can remember how to use all the machines, however I still have the old routine listed in a notebook in my gym bag, so I will do that. And since I am beginning weight training from scratch again, I’ll keep proper records this time of how much weight I can push.

My body loves to pack on muscle, I remember that much. All I need to do is give it the chance.

2014: The Year in Review

Happy New Year, readers. 2014 was a challenging year in so many ways, probably the defining moment was experiencing violent crime in April, which had health repercussions that lasted the entire rest of the year, but it had its high points as well, with an epic amount of travel: as well as enjoying London, there were trips to Stockholm, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Santiago de Chile, Corfu, Yorkshire, Nice, Paris and Brussels. Let’s take a look at the highlights.


The start of the year found me obsessed with health and fitness. I was in the gym nearly every day, breaking personal records for distance swimming and doing weight training. I weighed myself excitedly and danced a lot because the exercise was pumping me full of endorphins. I wasn’t seriously dating anyone but I had a couple of dates with Disraeli and The Young Scientist and they rather gratifyingly fell in love with me, because I was using a contrived but successful technique called The Method that I learned off the Head Honcho, who I was still crushing on like a little girl.

Tune of the month:

Super Cat ft. Heavy D and Frankie Paul: Big and Ready

Look pon me now, a me big and me broad, and me park me BMW inside a big garage.



Mid February found me slim, rippling with muscle and ready to take up boxing. This was an unusually good and somewhat unprecedented peak of strength and fitness, even though I didn’t recognise it as such at the time because I wasn’t doing any running. I started using the punch bag in the gym, looking around for someone to teach me and reading the websites of special boxing gyms, as well as using the online dating site to search for boxers, as an alternative to dating the French.

On the 18th of February I was overjoyed when I finally achieved my goal weight of 133lbs. It took more than two years to get there. On a cloud of triumph and victory, I started wearing bikinis at the pool.

Travel: a weekend in Stockholm, with historic architecture and delicious hot chocolate.


Tune of the month.

Dr Alimantado: I Am The Greatest Says Muhammed Ali



Travel. Shanghai.


A Dream I Dreamed by Kusama Yayoi.


Hong Kong.


hk flowers

Tune of the Month. You need to get up and dance for this one. Jah! Rastafari!

DJ Kool: Raggae Dance



Santiago de Chile.





town 3


Tune of the month. Super Cat on a spiritual tip, I love him, he is gorgeously sincere in a way that makes me want to take my clothes off.

Super Cat: Jah Run Things.



Yorkshire. A mysterious and magical place.



Back at home, we went to the Parliament Hill Farmers’ Market in London.


It was a month in which I continued to be hung up on the Honcho, for no good reason, with crisis after crisis until we couldn’t stand each other any longer. At least there were some great dance tunes to carry us through. This turned out to be the last time I spoke to him in 2014.

Boris Dlugosch ft Roisin Murphy: Never Enough (Sir Piers & Ed Funk Club Mix)



In July, nothing happened. I started taking prescription drugs and was stoned for a month.



I cheered myself up by getting Botox and was amazed and overjoyed with the results. Did a better job of improving my mood than the happy pills. Started to date Charlie. The music continued to be full of soul.

The Ikettes: I’m Blue



Went to the South of France and decided to stop taking drugs.





TLYW’s fourth birthday. Launch of the Brownie Points themed season, which is turning out to be a quite a long-running one, that expands the range of possible TLYW Achievements. I didn’t do a lot of dancing in October but I managed to read some improving Literature and made a decent size payment on my mortgage.




restaurant 3



brussels street

lace collar

I broke up with Charlie, bought a new oven and started cooking. At the end of the month, met Leroy and instantly fell in Crush with him.

Rufus & Chaka Khan: Sweet Thing



I performed Home Improvements by having my windows replaced, had something of a themed season around donating to fight homelessness, and celebrated Christmas for an entire month.

gift lights

snowmen tin

Tune of the month: hardcore disco to see the year out. Get up now and free your inner drag queen by parading around the room. 10/10 for Fabulous. Happy New Year.

Do you wanna funk? Won’t you tell me now? If you wanna funk, let me show you how.

Sylvester: Do You Wanna Funk?

Back in the gym.


  • Weight training.
  • Swimming (60 lengths).
  • Talked to a man in the gym who was using the punch bag like a professional and he turned out to be a friendly Iranian who was only too happy to give advice and demonstrations. In fact he encouraged me to land a punch on him but this was a step too far for my British manners so I demurred and concentrated on the bag. It was most educational. Then after a few minutes I ran away in case he got ideas.

Earlier in the day I went to the sports shop to meet the other guy and he was a nice man but he seemed kind of depressed about something and wouldn’t laugh at any of my jokes, which was a bit strange. In fact, unprecedented. Even the Honcho thinks I am funny and he is not known for his sense of humour. Anyway, he talked interestingly about boxing as well, he talked about what it is like to follow the sport, the build-up to big matches and so on. So I was actually glad I went out to see him and now I have post-gym endorphins. 2 Health points. Shall we dance?

Come on over honey, get closer to the bar.

Super Cat: My Girl Josephine (1995)

Biff! Kerpow!

OK, that might be the most fun I’ve ever had at the gym.

When I arrived it was packed and there were no fitness instructors to be seen, so I bided my time. I did my weight training, then went to the restaurant for a carbless chicken burger, then went on the treadmill for an hour. By that time, rush hour was long over and most people had left. The perfect time. I went to the little office where the fitness trainers sometimes lurk and there was one in there.

Gloria: Hello, can I have your expert advice please?
Trainer: Of course! (gets out of his seat)
Gloria: Can you make my dream come true?
Trainer: Well, I don’t know about that but I guess we can try. What do you want to do?
Gloria: That punch bag. I want to hit it. 
Trainer: Well, that’s easy enough. You just hit it.
Gloria: Yes, but I want to hit it properly. I don’t want to just bitch-slap it. I want to look like I know what I’m doing.
Trainer: (laughing) Right, okay. Well, here we are. Put these gloves on. They, erm, might be a bit sweaty.

He was not kidding. They were disgustingly swampy inside and smelled like death as well as being three sizes too large but I bravely plunged my delicate little hands into them anyway and managed to do up the velcro. Then the fitness guy demonstrated how to hit the punch bag. Where to put your feet, where to put your hands, what angle your arms should be.

Trainer: Now you try.

Readers. I adopted the correct stance. I set my jaw, glared at that punch bag and thought of every man who’s ever done me wrong, and then I smacked it as hard as I could, with all my strength, six or eight times.

Trainer: (laughing and looking surprised and also slightly alarmed) Erm, OK, that was very, very good. You are already better than some people. Keep doing that.

So I kept doing it. I stood there and smacked that punch bag until I was exhausted. It was AMAZING. I felt like there was suddenly a reason why I’ve been doing weight training on my upper back, arms and shoulders. It was so that I can box.

Oh god, I loved it. I can’t even tell you. It just felt absolutely fucking fantastic. 2 Health points.

Snap: The Power (1990)

135 pounds

TWO POUNDS off my goal weight.

  • Weight training.
  • Swimming (50 lengths).
  • 2 Health points.

I wore a bikini in the pool today. Not the Speedo sports bikini, but a bikini, and it looked okay. In fact I am not going to wear it again because it is slightly large on me. I am going to start keeping the Speedo bikini at the gym because the day is coming.

Now I have to put on some decent clothes and make-up and go out to meet the Young Scientist. He is wildly and desperately excited about me because I did The Honcho Method on him and then hardly spoke to him for weeks, which, come to think of it, is entirely commensurate with the Method. So now I have to go out and meet him and he is vibrating with anticipation at the thought that I am going to be mean to him. And I don’t know where I am going to find the motivation to be mean and horrible and use The Method because the man I learned it from is a psychopath and I feel demoralised.

Let’s have some Grace Jones. She is a completely formidable woman and I wish I could introduce her to the Honcho, she would kick his ass.

Grace Jones: Nipple To The Bottle (1982)

In which the only winner is my waistline.

“I love you”, said Disraeli as I was dumping him. “I know”, I said, “of course you do”. Of course he loves me. I did the Honcho Method on him for let’s see, four weeks, didn’t kiss him and didn’t take any of my clothes off. So naturally he is crazy about me. Because the Method works. This is not really a cause for celebration, is it. I told Disraeli that he had had a lucky escape, that he is lucky I am letting him go now before he gets even more attached to me and has to spend the rest of his life begging me to have a more normal relationship with him (cough).

After that was dealt with, I wasted some time brooding and thinking Dark Thoughts.

Dark Thought #1: I get a massive kick out of the Honcho, such a massive kick that I am surprised it is legal.

When things are going well, when he and I are getting on well, which is so difficult lately that one day without arguing feels like a huge success, then it is the best thing ever. You’ve seen what it does to me. I dance, flirt with him, listen to the Bee Gees without irony and generally feel so happy, so unnaturally happy, that it is like getting an armful of heroin and you feel euphoric and wonder if your heart is going to stop beating and don’t even care that much if you die right there on the spot. It is terrific. It feels like all I could ever want or need. I am still talking to him after all this time because it is really hard to believe that if he can deliver this feeling, and he seems to enjoy doing so, and he seems to like me more in this mood than when I’m angry, given all those things, it is hard to believe that we can’t make something successful out of this relationship. We are both intelligent people, we enjoy each other. Why can’t it work? It has to be able to work, on some level, if we could just find the right formula. I know this is completely deluded and he quite obviously gets his kicks out of it never getting off the ground at all, but these are the kinds of thoughts that make come back to him, time after time. Disraeli’s problem was (a) he existed in real life a bit too much and I prefer the non-threatening, remote intimacy of the Honcho, where there are never any real-life issues, and (b) as much as I like him, Disraeli is to the Honcho what a cup of tea is to a monsoon.

Dark Thought #2: Once you have the cheat codes, the game is broken.

So I’ve known the Honcho for a fucking long time now and all we have ever done is talk, so we know each other quite well. And as you have seen, he allows himself to be coaxed into teaching me The Method. Obviously, I have first hand experience of having it done on me for 2 years, so I know all the actions quite well, the missing piece was the rationale, the strategy. Which he is now filling in for me. I find it very fascinating. I tried it on Disraeli and the Young Scientist and I was absolutely shocked at how effective it is. This is rather an interesting situation. It has rather taken the mystery out of heterosexual relationships. It is like being handed the cheat codes to a favourite video game. At first the cheat codes are brilliant fun, you award yourself stacks of virtual money and infinite survivability and it is great. You can’t believe it. But then after about five minutes you realise that you’ve just ruined the game for yourself. You’ve basically broken it. If you want a man to fall in love with you, say and do certain things, cook on Gas Mark 4 for 20 minutes, and you will get reliable results. So that’s the mysterious and exciting game of romance completely fucked, isn’t it.

Dark Thought #3: This man has a horrible personality.

That didn’t really need saying, did it. Also, I haven’t seen him since January 2012. Why? At first (like let’s say the first 4 months or so after this date, before I knew there was anything wrong or what I’d got myself into) he used to do this to manipulate me, in line with The Method. Then after that there was a long period where he was doing it because he decided that I was being too demanding(!), I can’t even remember the details of this now, but basically I was complaining a lot about the way he was treating me and he felt it necessary to state that there wouldn’t be another date until I agreed that I didn’t have any right to expect anything from him (at this point we’ve been closely involved with each other, on a daily or near-daily basis for a year, 18 months). And then there is the third phase of the last six to eight months where we aren’t close to making any real plans to see each other because we are in a mutual stand-off. His position is unchanged because The Method says ‘once you order something, you do not ever, ever go back on that, you don’t change your mind, you don’t compromise’. Meanwhile my position is that I can’t have sex with him even if he wanted to see me, because I have endured two and a half years of manipulation and outright abuse and now I hate him. You’ll notice this doesn’t have much impact on item 1, which is really annoying.

I needed to find a way of dealing with the Dark Thoughts and not waste my weekend on them. As an act of equal parts self-discipline and self-hatred, I went to the gym. For five and a half hours.

I did all the weight training. Then I power-walked for two hours on the treadmill. Then I got in the pool and swam 70 lengths, which is a personal record, everybody. I hope you are impressed, I am way impressed with myself. That was the massivest gym session ever. I achieved personal bests in both swimming and amount of overall effort in a single gym visit.

I’m obviously highly motivated with regard to gym and diet at the moment because we are a mere three pounds off my goal weight, and shedding three measly pounds could take forever but also, rather scarily, it could be a matter of days. What happens then? I’ve been on this epic weight loss journey since July 2011. About two and a half years. I know a lot, a lot, about trying to lose weight. I don’t know a damn thing about what to do when you get to the weight you want. That sounds like a whole different ball game. I might do a bit of googling and see what other slimmers have to say about it. Obviously the big danger is losing motivation because you’ve reached your goal and thus gaining weight back again. On the other hand, you don’t necessarily want to set a new goal to lose another 33 lbs because anorexia. So we’ll see. I’ll do some reading, it’s bound to be interesting.

Phew! That was a lot of talking. 3 Health points.



Postscript: Oh, and guess what. You remember I said I was giving him until midnight or we were going back on ignore? He’s just emailed me. Just now, while I was writing this. At 23:05.