Tag: weight gain

On we go.

Not much is happening that is blogworthy because I am just knee deep in meetings all the time. Also we are having Britain’s harshest heatwave in 10 years and the whole country lacks air conditioning. So I’ve been sweating through a busy work week of travelling around London on the Underground and having to be brilliant and sparkly at people’s offices. Not surprisingly, by Friday I had another headache.

A quick summary of where we are up to:

  • I am fat and tired. As things started to look better on the work and money front, my appetite returned and so of course excess flab is coming back. One thing that has suffered while I’ve been dealing with the last 8-10 weeks of major life restructuring is my health. I eat pretty cleanly but I need to get some exercise. .
  • It looks like I have reached an agreement with That Company, we are still finalising the details. Still haven’t signed anything.
  • Business in general is slightly improved. Slightly. The market has changed, but it is there.
  • I think everything is going to be okay.
  • The literary agent is waiting for me. I want to write and send a new sample chapter. I apologised for the fact that I have to attend to business for several days.
  • My house is a tip.
  • I met an exciting boy last weekend who I want to date. I am playing it cool. There is no other way to play it. I don’t know what the chances are of even seeing him again, it took two months to set up the first date because of all of the above.

I have so much to do. It’s now 4pm on Sunday afternoon and I have no option but to get all my work stuff together for the coming week.

Church.

DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince: Summertime (1991)

If I were relying on diet, I would give up.

Weakly weigh in. 165.2 pounds. Apparently I regained 3 pounds in less than a week. I didn’t eat perfectly this week but I sure as hell didn’t eat 7,500 more calories than I needed, so wtf.

I hate dieting. Exercise is the only thing that works. The next weigh in will be after I return from Spain. I will swim every day even if it rains. Even if there is a tornado.

Weight Loss II: Day 1 of the New Dawn

OK, so when I started this blog, one of the first things I did in the name of TLYW was lose weight. I achieved my goal – very slowly. I lost 33lbs and it took me 2.5 years because I had periods of months at a time where I would fall off the wagon. Then, not long after finally reaching the athletic and slim condition I’d been aiming for, violent Crime happened in April 2014 and knocked me off my feet in so many ways, including months of health problems, medications that screw up your hormones and your energy levels, and what is now almost a year of weight gain, during which time I put it all back on.

I weighed myself this morning and I’m 165.8 pounds which is almost exactly where I began and is therefore the upper limit of being overweight that I can tolerate. The two main contributing factors to my plumpness that are within my control are that I’ve been avoiding exercise and secondly I’ve been eating chocolate cake. So whose fault is it, really, if I have to wear foundation underwear.

Today is Wednesday 11 March 2015 and today is the first day of Weight Loss II. If I can drop 35 pounds then I will be a UK size 10 and able to wear sports bikinis, which I seem to remember used to be my sole purpose in life. This is a good time to do it. My relationship with Leroy is happy yet making very few demands on my time, which I am cool with as long as everyone’s happy and enjoying themselves. My more full-time, everyday relationship, ironically, is with the Honcho. We are getting along as sweetly as a pair of love birds in a rose bush, he is affectionate and I am emotionally sustained. This is really taking care of my needs and I hope every day that we can continue to be in harmony.

Thus I have achieved the perfect life conditions for attending to fitness and health. I have romantic relationships, i feel desired and cared for (enough). I don’t have any urgent unmet needs that have to take priority over getting some exercise and improving my ratio of body fat and my general health. So today is the day. Longtime readers of the blog will remember when we used to have weekly weigh-ins and a weight loss ticker and all that is what we are about to go back to, starting from now. I will enjoy it when I get started. I loved the exercise part of it last time.

Broccoli

I wish I wasn’t so huge. I have gained three pounds in two days (where is the rhyme or reason in that, and it keeps on AND ON happening). I am now the same size as when I started this blog 3 years ago, I’m afraid to eat and I am afraid to find out how much bigger I can actually become. I don’t snack. I stopped eating sugar. Still getting bigger and bigger.

Leroy is coping even though I was nowhere near this big when we met in November and I obviously didn’t plan on this happening. I have fully warned the Honcho that I am bigger than Kim Kardashian in the hip, bum and tum region and he seems not to like me any less, perhaps because he didn’t like me that much to start with.

I am in Amsterdam right now anyway, in a very small hotel with no pool so I will just have to put up with being huge until I get home. I just had dinner with my colleague at a very quirky little restaurant. He always picks nice places, this is the same guy I went to Belgium with before Xmas. I had broccoli with garlic and onions.

IMG_6852-0

We are here to attend a boring business conference but perhaps I can squeeze in a couple of nice photo opportunities in between things.

There is a very exciting weekend planned because I am off to Yorkshire for my annual visit to my lovely friend C and this time Leroy is coming too! I can’t wait. Really excited to see C and also to have a chance to get to know Leroy a little more because we never have enough time together.

In the final bit of news, things with the Head Honcho are stable. I feel more secure and more sure of him than I have in the last two years. It is a very novel feeling. I hope it lasts. It is almost like … how shall I describe the feeling – it is like being happy and loved. Very unusual, to get this from such a source. He says I am his, that he wants me back, that we have a special bond that he is taking all the credit for creating and that he thinks only of me.  I think you can see how unusual this is. We aren’t arguing or fighting. I am just loving him the same as always and he’s finally giving me fewer reasons to regret it.

And that’s all today’s news.

Love, old and new.

Work continues to be ridiculous. I am at work now, at 9.30 at night, I have a few more hours ahead of me, then I have to get up at 5am to travel to meetings on the other side of the country. It is fairly horrible. I am mildly exasperated with the document I am writing. It should be over by Friday and I look forward to a better week next week that will hopefully include some gym. Now let us speak of other things.

Old Love

So, as you know, I asked the Honcho if he would take me back, not that this really means a whole lot as I haven’t actually seen him since January 2012. I confessed to him exactly how fat I am (over 160 pounds today) and at first he disapproved but then he unexpectedly came round to the idea and decided it was a good thing. That’s when things took an interesting turn. You see, when I asked him to ‘take me back’, all I meant by this was that I wanted to get back into our familiar routine of daily email- and text-based conversations, flirting, unfulfilled desire and opportunities for me to be in love with him in a way that entails no real-life commitment or inconvenience. I thought he would be up for that because, as mentioned, he’s persistently avoided being in the same room with me for 3 years so I pretty much figured that that’s the way he likes it. Which is actually fine and I have had 3 years to become perfectly accustomed to and satisfied with a purely text-based relationship.

I was rather surprised, then, when he suddenly expressed the most urgent need to see me and asked me not once but several times how soon I could make myself available. Readers, I was forced to decline. Well, I did not exactly decline but what I did say was that my position now is unchanged from 15 months ago, and my position 15 months ago was that he should give me a really nice PRESENT, specifically some piece of JEWELLERY, because I have really fucking EARNED it by putting up with him all this time. He has a horrible personality, is faithless, manipulative and deliberately cruel. I only like him because I think that in at least one or two respects, specifically concerning relationships, he is smarter than I am and I observe and take lessons from him. He is good value in that way, but in every other way he is an absolute nightmare of a man and 15 months ago I strongly felt that I deserved jewellery and I still feel that.

So now we have drawn a blank. He was the most keen to see me that I have ever known him to be, for reasons that I can only guess at and do not wish to speculate upon here, and I said no. I am not going to see you if you are going to show up without jewellery and without declarations of love, because I earned those things, so no.

This is v disappointing to me because in point of fact I didn’t care two hoots about actually seeing him, I just wanted him to be available for chatting purposes every day. I was hoping and expecting that he was going to take a dark view of my increased size and order me to go to the gym, and I would have benefited from a bit of an extra push in that direction. But instead he got unexpectedly excited. Bah. What can you do.

New Love

In other surprising news, Leroy has really improved his game! I mean seriously! As you know, last week I was cross with him for being flaky and unreliable. So when I saw him, I told him exactly what I was cross about and I spelled out exactly how I wanted his behaviour to improve, in very clear terms. To my surprise, he is actually doing it! His ability to plan ahead with me has improved and his text message response times have significantly improved. Added to which, of his own accord, he is being very affectionate and forthcoming about how lucky he is to have me and how much he appreciates me. Also, the other day, he said he loved me in a way that I’m not sure was completely on purpose. D’AWWWW.

I would like to make an additional note at this point that he is an admirer of my big fat ass. This is quite surprising to me. I went to all that trouble to lose 30 pounds, then I gained most of it back, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t fit into my clothes, and yet Leroy finds me attractive and the Honcho is showing almost unprecedented approval even though I was convinced he only liked athletic women.

So there you go. Things are basically okay. I only have about 72 more hours of work hell ahead of me, then things will calm back down to acceptable levels. Leroy says he loves me. All I have to do now is bring the Honcho back from the crest of indignation where he is currently isolated and persuade him that he likes talking to me and just because I don’t want to see him doesn’t mean he has to be offended or that it’s all over.

1 Love point. Make that 2 points, why the fuck not.

Daddy’s Favourite: I Feel Good Things For You (1998)

Pink lilies.

The flowers are surviving well. The lilies have opened and they are pink.

pink lilies

I can’t believe it’s been a whole week since I last blogged. Let’s try and catch up. I will give you the news in brief.

I’ve been really busy with work. This is good because it keeps me awake and makes me travel around and meet new people.It uses up all my time, of course, so that the days rush past. This in turn alters how I use my time outside work. I have to choose between doing a lot of things in very short bursts, or doing one thing consistently.

Gaming. I haven’t touched my Xbox since work reopened following Christmas, it is tragic. I was starting to get into Alien Isolation and would love to do some more on it. I’ve played a little Bioshock and a little Secret World, maybe the weekend before last. I played a surprisingly enjoyable session of Sims 3 last weekend. I’m logging into my World of Warcraft garrison for about 30 seconds a day, just to send my garrison followers out doing quests in my absence.

Crafts. I have a large number of unfinished projects and set some objectives for 2015 with regard to completing some of them, so I am sewing up a sweater that has been hanging around for 2-3 years.

Diet and Fitness. We’ve had about 9 months of fail in this area of TLYW, I seem to remember giving up on exercise and turning to rich restaurant lunches and large glasses of wine right when I arrived in Chile. Right now I’m about 25 pounds heavier than I was last February. This isn’t a world crisis but it’s also not really what we are aiming for. I don’t mind having bigger boobs and a bigger bum, at all, but also I carry weight on the front of my body, on my abdomen, and on my face. In particular, I can see that my face is puffy and doesn’t look like the self-portraits that I use for online dating purposes. I’ve also been on a couple of dates where I noted that the person I was with didn’t fancy me that much, which is normally a rare turn of events. The fact is, I’ve gained weight, esp in my face, to a certain point where my market value has noticeably gone down. This means that even though dating and meeting new people is a very enjoyable hobby, I need to stop dating now and return to the gym and cut out sugar and unnecessary carbs right away, which means meal planning and thoughtful shopping and cooking. I could just come to terms with being heavier and a bit less popular and take some new, more accurate photos, but I actually would prefer to go back to the gym and lose weight and get back to where I was 9-12 months ago. I can take new photos and start dating again when I have a leaner, more muscular body to show off. So that’s why my dating career is over for the time being. I don’t have a lot of free time, I have to choose between gym OR dating, and the only sensible choice is gym.

Home Improvements. This is going to have to wait for a while. The windows have been replaced so we will survive the winter.

Brownie Achievement Badges. Almost miraculously, I am squeezing in some reading in support of the Classic Literature badge. I will write about this when I’ve reached the end of the book I’m currently on.

Dating. OK well, when we have to get serious about time management, dating takes a hit. It is not the Christmas holidays any more. I do not have unlimited amounts of free time on my hands to spend on boys. Gym needs to come first until I’ve shed this excess weight, so several weeks. That is why I’ve reluctantly suspended my online dating profile even though the actual dating situation over here is a bit shabby. Leroy is being flaky and unreliable. He is good at making excuses and being charming but my patience for that has run out now. I don’t see this situation improving and I am losing interest in him, even though I would prefer to have some sort of regular sex life, and when we do have sex, it is great. I am building up to a confession here, readers. In light of the fact that Leroy and I are coming apart at the seams, I don’t have any other romantic interest going on, and that I need to spend the next 3 months in the gym instead of going out to restaurants in high heels, I disturbed the Honcho, explained the situation and asked him to take me back for a while. Because he can’t see what I look like, and with a bit of luck he will keep me company while I am in the gym for the next 100 days. He is not a man for turning me away, so he didn’t turn me away.

And that’s all the news. Time to stop being a buffalo. I need to clean my house this evening because (a) it is filthy and chaotic after a week of heavy workload, and (b) I have a pack of new ear plugs around here somewhere, and when I find them, I can start swimming again.