Tag: smoking

Caffeine withdrawal

So. My teeth have been bleached and I have quit everything.

Quitting tobacco – no problems. I miss smoking, of course I do, but I unproblematically feel healthier, right away. You feel better on Day 1 and you keep feeling better.

Caffeine, that is another matter. Evidently I had a MASSIVE caffeine addiction. It’s been several days now, over a week and even when I deliberately relapse and drink coffee to try and reset my brain and feel normal, it doesn’t work. My brain was glued together on a constant diet of coffee and having one cup of coffee here and there makes no difference.

If you are a massive coffee drinker like me and you suddenly go cold turkey, here’s what to expect. Headaches, this will pass after a couple of days, so not as bad as you might think. Upset stomach, flu symptoms. All this will go after 2-3 days. Symptoms that are in full force over a week later:

  • Fatigue. Need for sleep goes through the roof.
  • Tendency to pass out at odd times, including at work.
  • Sweating.
  • Tinnitus spikes and reaches deafening levels of noise.
  • Irritability (ha, good thing I’m leaving this job, I am so ragey).
  • Nightmares. God. Undisturbed sleep would be nice. I started to have a nightmare just now and I woke myself up by yelling at it to fuck off because I don’t have the patience to tolerate my own dreams.

Come on brain, sort it out. If you can’t reset yourself in a few more days I will start taking Starbucks intravenously.

The state of my life.

Right, well here we are at 7.30 in the morning. About time we had a news update, as my life lurches from one urgent decision to another.


  • There is plenty of it, so that’s good. Can’t complain about that. There is an abundant supply.
  • I think I’m about to get promoted at my day job, the Terminator invited me to a meeting about a business proposal that I wrote.
  • In my privately owned business, another new client has just come on board, just as I’ve wrapped up 3 projects for the last one.


  • This person who I’m not supposed to be in love with. Things keep heating up, it is like a slow cooker. This person loves everything about me EXCEPT that I am absolutely shit at looking after my own health. This is not a minor consideration for them. It is going to be a deal-breaker, I can tell. This forces decisions in the areas of health and also beauty because vanity.


  • FFS, I need to grow up.
  • Teeth. As you know, teeth and dentistry are a major part of my life, this is because I smoke more on than off. I reduce my mouth to a state of dereliction by smoking, and my dentist attempts to repair or disguise it with moderate success and considerable expense. My gums look like smoked bacon and I need to sort it out.
  • Smoking. See above. I have in fact reverted to being quite a heavy smoker and I need to quit now.
  • I am compensating for the destructive effects on my appearance in various ways. Don’t judge me.
    • Clothes. Everybody loves my wardrobe. I am one well-dressed smoker.
    • Botox. My new guy is great and half the price of my previous doctor, also great.
    • Liposuction. I am looking into this but also I’m doing a reasonably good job of not being fat and weigh 149 pounds this morning so it’s not desperately urgent.
    • Yesterday I went into a shop and took half my clothes off and a girl aged about 20 did things to me with a high-tech machine that goes ping, this is because I have discovered laser hair removal.

That’s where we are. I need to do some more work now and I need to figure out a way to work 80 hours/week without using smoking and coffee as a crutch.

Bah, here we go then.

I’ve just run out of cigarettes so it’s time to stop smoking again. I am telling myself that I can smoke on my birthday if I want to.

It’s Tuesday evening now so I should be out of the woods of smoking-induced irritability by Friday night or Saturday morning.

My performance at the gym will improve fairly rapidly and some time after that so will my teeth.


It is New Year’s Day and in line with everyone else who is lucky enough to only have to worry about first world problems, I think I should pay much better attention to my health and finances and I can achieve this by:

  • quitting smoking (again)
  • going to the gym
  • losing 25lbs (I just got on the scales for the first time in months and I am 159 lbs)

These things are all very clear and obvious to me, as they would be to anyone with an ounce of common sense.

The difficult part is finding your motivation. No matter how hard I try to get excited about it, thoughts like ‘be generally healthier’ and ‘live longer’ (urgh) and ‘have more money’ do not compete very successfully with thoughts such as ‘I just want to sit down’ and ‘I need to fucking smoke, okay’ and so forth.

Even the likelihood of more painful dental work if I do not immediately quit smoking is not quite doing it for me. It’s just pain, I’m not sufficiently scared of it.

So, what is going to do it? Vanity, that’s what. I am vain, I have been fretting about my declining beauty lately and I am facing my 50th birthday in 2016. I don’t want to be fat and ugly and exhausted and have tobacco- and coffee-stained teeth on my birthday. I want to be slim and gorgeous and I want everyone to think I’m 39.

The big birthday is 8 months away so I have time to get in really good shape, and I can no longer use the excuse of work – work is looking better now, because I negotiated a better type of workload for the coming year.

So, here’s the plan, because I always need a plan, otherwise nothing gets done.

  1. Take down Xmas tree & decorations, freeing up space in the living room.
  2. Put full-length mirror back in the space where the tree was.
  3. Get ALL of my sportswear out of the bedroom and out of various cardboard boxes in the back room and try everything on in front of the mirror. Sort into three piles: (a) stuff that fits; (b) stuff that is a bit too small; (c) stuff that is way too small. There is not going to be a category of stuff that is too large.

I’ve always found the fit of clothing to be a reliable way of gauging what size I really am, in comparison to weighing myself (good over the long term but in the short term, a bit variable, with many unexplained mysteries) and looking at myself in the mirror without clothes on (whether I think I look fat or not is totally dependent on mood and unconnected to objective reality). Clothes don’t lie to me. I can either wear certain garments or else I can’t.

OK, I guess that’s all I need to say. I went to my gym yesterday (!!!!) to inspect the contents of my locker and I have swimming gear in there, which is good, and not much else, which is also good because it means all my workout gear is at home and available for easy trying-on purposes.

Goals by August:

  • Looking good in UK size 10 sports bikinis.
  • Weight: 134 lbs (down from 159).

Both totally do-able, have done this before. The second one, anyway. I got down to 133 lbs about two years ago or something and I probably looked better in bikinis than I thought.

HNY, loyal readers. Good luck with all your new-year plans.

Back in my running shoes.

Feels so nice.

Apparently I haven’t destroyed my lungs and general fitness as much as I feared. I spent some time with the trainer where he showed me how to do weight-training and sketched out a workout plan for me that involved a mix of that and cardio.

Then as soon as his back was turned I got on the treadmill in order to fully ignore everything he just told me about doing intervals because I desperately wanted to answer one simple question: I wanted to know if I could still run. That is, I wanted to know how long I could jog along at a comfortable pace, assuming I could even find a comfortable pace, without fainting, or feeling like my heart and/or lungs were going to explode. I seriously thought I was going to have to do Couch-to-5k right from the very beginning, you know when you run for two minutes, walk for four minutes, repeat a couple of times and then go home? I figured I would probably be about there and I was prepared to do the whole programme again from level 1.

To my utter astonishment I jogged for a solid 30 minutes without a break at a pace that was not that much slower than I would have used a year ago when I was actually fit.

Then I went and pumped iron for what seemed like hours but was nonetheless still pretty good fun and then I went home.

I am amazed! And happy! I can’t believe I ran for a solid half hour after about a year of doing absolutely bugger all!

OK, that was actually fun. There was a moment near the beginning where I was standing on a treadmill, chatting to the trainer and it felt like coming home.

Yes. I am a runner. I want to run.

1 Health point.

So far so good.

Diet going well. I am eating on schedule and am sticking to the approved foods list. I am photographing everything I eat which really helps a lot because I don’t want to take pictures of chocolate bars and crap like that, it makes you feel ashamed. I want to take pictures of nice green salads, so that’s what I’m eating.

The scales don’t think anything has changed, and I suppose you wouldn’t expect them to after two days, but I definitely look smaller and I think it must be because I have cut out wheat and most sugar. I must be less bloated than usual because my skinny jeans, which are my most reliable benchmark, do not have a muffin top. They are comfortably roomy. This is great, I am really happy to have a flatter stomach, it is my problem area.

I’m not smoking and it’s not difficult, like I knew it wouldn’t be.

I am seeing the trainer later today and I continue to be nervous. But it is the right thing to do. Bah. I will be glad when it’s over, except then I have to do it again and again for years and years. I suppose it will all be worth it when summer comes and I am skinny and rippling with muscle. This isn’t a bad place to start exercising, last time I started exercising from a point of zero fitness I was 20 lbs heavier than I am now and it was not fun dragging all that bulk around the local park. So this time around should be much easier just for that reason alone. I might be unfit but I am not actually overweight at this point.

More news later. Have a nice day, everyone.


All right, I’ve stopped smoking again, as of now. Sorry everyone. Not sure what that short relapse was about. Let’s just forget it ever happened.