Happy New Year, readers. 2014 was a challenging year in so many ways, probably the defining moment was experiencing violent crime in April, which had health repercussions that lasted the entire rest of the year, but it had its high points as well, with an epic amount of travel: as well as enjoying London, there were trips to Stockholm, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Santiago de Chile, Corfu, Yorkshire, Nice, Paris and Brussels. Let’s take a look at the highlights.
The start of the year found me obsessed with health and fitness. I was in the gym nearly every day, breaking personal records for distance swimming and doing weight training. I weighed myself excitedly and danced a lot because the exercise was pumping me full of endorphins. I wasn’t seriously dating anyone but I had a couple of dates with Disraeli and The Young Scientist and they rather gratifyingly fell in love with me, because I was using a contrived but successful technique called The Method that I learned off the Head Honcho, who I was still crushing on like a little girl.
Tune of the month:
Super Cat ft. Heavy D and Frankie Paul: Big and Ready
Look pon me now, a me big and me broad, and me park me BMW inside a big garage.
Mid February found me slim, rippling with muscle and ready to take up boxing. This was an unusually good and somewhat unprecedented peak of strength and fitness, even though I didn’t recognise it as such at the time because I wasn’t doing any running. I started using the punch bag in the gym, looking around for someone to teach me and reading the websites of special boxing gyms, as well as using the online dating site to search for boxers, as an alternative to dating the French.
On the 18th of February I was overjoyed when I finally achieved my goal weight of 133lbs. It took more than two years to get there. On a cloud of triumph and victory, I started wearing bikinis at the pool.
Travel: a weekend in Stockholm, with historic architecture and delicious hot chocolate.
Tune of the month.
Dr Alimantado: I Am The Greatest Says Muhammed Ali
A Dream I Dreamed by Kusama Yayoi.
Tune of the Month. You need to get up and dance for this one. Jah! Rastafari!
DJ Kool: Raggae Dance
Santiago de Chile.
Tune of the month. Super Cat on a spiritual tip, I love him, he is gorgeously sincere in a way that makes me want to take my clothes off.
Super Cat: Jah Run Things.
Yorkshire. A mysterious and magical place.
Back at home, we went to the Parliament Hill Farmers’ Market in London.
It was a month in which I continued to be hung up on the Honcho, for no good reason, with crisis after crisis until we couldn’t stand each other any longer. At least there were some great dance tunes to carry us through. This turned out to be the last time I spoke to him in 2014.
Boris Dlugosch ft Roisin Murphy: Never Enough (Sir Piers & Ed Funk Club Mix)
In July, nothing happened. I started taking prescription drugs and was stoned for a month.
I cheered myself up by getting Botox and was amazed and overjoyed with the results. Did a better job of improving my mood than the happy pills. Started to date Charlie. The music continued to be full of soul.
The Ikettes: I’m Blue
Went to the South of France and decided to stop taking drugs.
TLYW’s fourth birthday. Launch of the Brownie Points themed season, which is turning out to be a quite a long-running one, that expands the range of possible TLYW Achievements. I didn’t do a lot of dancing in October but I managed to read some improving Literature and made a decent size payment on my mortgage.
I broke up with Charlie, bought a new oven and started cooking. At the end of the month, met Leroy and instantly fell in Crush with him.
Rufus & Chaka Khan: Sweet Thing
I performed Home Improvements by having my windows replaced, had something of a themed season around donating to fight homelessness, and celebrated Christmas for an entire month.
Tune of the month: hardcore disco to see the year out. Get up now and free your inner drag queen by parading around the room. 10/10 for Fabulous. Happy New Year.
Do you wanna funk? Won’t you tell me now? If you wanna funk, let me show you how.
Sylvester: Do You Wanna Funk?