Tag: botox

The state of my life.

Right, well here we are at 7.30 in the morning. About time we had a news update, as my life lurches from one urgent decision to another.


  • There is plenty of it, so that’s good. Can’t complain about that. There is an abundant supply.
  • I think I’m about to get promoted at my day job, the Terminator invited me to a meeting about a business proposal that I wrote.
  • In my privately owned business, another new client has just come on board, just as I’ve wrapped up 3 projects for the last one.


  • This person who I’m not supposed to be in love with. Things keep heating up, it is like a slow cooker. This person loves everything about me EXCEPT that I am absolutely shit at looking after my own health. This is not a minor consideration for them. It is going to be a deal-breaker, I can tell. This forces decisions in the areas of health and also beauty because vanity.


  • FFS, I need to grow up.
  • Teeth. As you know, teeth and dentistry are a major part of my life, this is because I smoke more on than off. I reduce my mouth to a state of dereliction by smoking, and my dentist attempts to repair or disguise it with moderate success and considerable expense. My gums look like smoked bacon and I need to sort it out.
  • Smoking. See above. I have in fact reverted to being quite a heavy smoker and I need to quit now.
  • I am compensating for the destructive effects on my appearance in various ways. Don’t judge me.
    • Clothes. Everybody loves my wardrobe. I am one well-dressed smoker.
    • Botox. My new guy is great and half the price of my previous doctor, also great.
    • Liposuction. I am looking into this but also I’m doing a reasonably good job of not being fat and weigh 149 pounds this morning so it’s not desperately urgent.
    • Yesterday I went into a shop and took half my clothes off and a girl aged about 20 did things to me with a high-tech machine that goes ping, this is because I have discovered laser hair removal.

That’s where we are. I need to do some more work now and I need to figure out a way to work 80 hours/week without using smoking and coffee as a crutch.

Botox, finally.

After 10 long months, I finally had my face stapled back on. What a relief. I continue to be in terrible physical shape, the latest symptom is crippling inflammation and pain in my shoulders, but my face is going to start looking better almost immediately. Within a few days all my wrinkles around my eyes will disappear, the arches in my eyebrows will lift and I will look 10 years younger, serene and yet unusually alert, even though I may not feel it.

My frozen face feels good. It makes me feel calmer. I just need the pain in my shoulder to go away. I wish she could have Botoxed my shoulder at the same time and I wish that Botoxing tits was a thing, I would be right on that. Anyway, that’s my long-awaited appointment ticked off and she gave me a big dose so I should be all set until probably Easter.

  • Business interests – I am finally able to give this some attention.
  • Home and personal life, this is number 2 on the list, I need another dental cleaning and I really desperately need to clean my house. I had to buy 5 pairs of knickers on the way home from work last night because I have absolutely and totally run out.

I am still annoyed about the bloody stupid party but I will put in an appearance just to be corporate, then go home.

Desperate Botox Junkie

Hair is done, teeth are done. Botox is so desperately needed before my whole face slides off my skull and ends up in my bra.

My normal doctor is rly rly expensive but she is shit hot and does celebrities and is a surgeon.

Because I am too broke for this right now and also because her receptionist won’t give me an appointment before 1 September, I tried to go to someone else.

I looked up a Botox doctor’s practice in the West End and took hours out of my impossible work day to rush down there with a pocket full of cash. He is a real doctor but he only charges about 60% of what my celebrity doctor charges, so it was a no brainer. Then this happened:

Doctor: So what can I do for you?

Me: Botox, pls. Urgently needed. Mainly in the eyebrow area, as you can see, my upper eyelids are collapsing on to my face, some Botox around here is urgently needed to hitch them up.

Doctor: But Botox will not do that.

Me: !! I don’t know what you mean. I’ve been having it for months. Why else would I be here?

Doctor: That is not what Botox is for. I cannot promise this to you. I have seen this happen in maybe 1 in 1,000 patients.

Me: But I have seen the evidence on my own face. Am I imagining it?

Doctor: All Botox will do is smooth out wrinkles. But you don’t have any wrinkles.

Me: Right. Because I have Botox. Please, just get the stapler out and do my eyebrows. Please.

Doctor: It won’t work. You will be wasting your money.

Me: Well can you talk to me about what will work? We’ve got to be able to do something. I don’t understand the problem. Come on, just poison my face around the eyebrow area. I’m trying to give you money.

Doctor: Botox cannot do what you want. You need surgery for that. An upper eye lift.

Me: Shit.

*leaves doctor’s office*

*bursts into tears outside office*

*calls original doctor and leaves tearful and desperate voicemail message about getting me in before 1 September.*

FML. That was my birthday present. I was excited. And I don’t want to look old.

I am categorising this post under Art because that is what my face means to me.

Art and Beauty

Life is gradually improving. We are still on Week 1 of the new, higher dose of happy pills and apparently I can expect it to take 6-8 weeks again for this new dose to achieve its full effect. Therefore, if this yields a good result I should be back on the dancefloor with a vengeance around the first half of October.

Yesterday I went to the British Library, which was super. Check out this fabulous statue of Isaac Newton by Eduardo Paolozzi.


This is what the exterior of the British Library looks like.


The spires of the St Pancras Renaissance Hotel appear over the library roof.


Inside the library there are several floors of reading rooms which are full of priceless, ancient manuscripts. The building is dominated by this central tower, which is called The King’s Tower, because it houses the books of King George III, who founded a precursor to the British Library back in the 18th century.



While I was there, I went to see the Comics Unmasked exhibition.


My favourite periods for just about anything are the mid 18th century and then the 1970s, including cartoons and comics, as it turns out.

Plate 2 of The Harlot’s Progress by William Hogarth, 1732. The Harlot’s Progress is a series of six engravings that tell the story of Moll Hackabout’s decline and fall into moral turpitude. In Plate 2, prior to entering into prostitution, she is the mistress of a wealthy merchant. She is kicking the table over to draw his attention away from a rival lover of hers who is discreetly escaping out the door.


And now a couple of hilarious comic book covers from the 1970s. I was a child in the 70s and this is what Britain was like. As you can see, not that much had changed since the 18th century.

Truly Amazing Love Stories, 1977. “Forty-four pages of crotch ticklin tales.”

amazing love stories

Dope Fiend Funnies, 1974

dope fiend

In the latest beauty news, I went to see my Botox doctor for a check-up and top-up. I showed her some photos of me from July, in which I look utterly defeated and have the sagging, almost-dead eyes of an ancient turtle that has experienced abuse. Then I showed her some photos of me that I took a couple of days ago when I was putting on make-up ahead of going on a date, in which I look like a princess and totally unrecognisable as the same person. Then I gave her a thank-you card with a heartfelt message. Then I wept, right there in her office, out of gratitude. I can’t believe what she’s done for my face. I am overwhelmed with the results. I thought was I was never going to look pretty again after being beaten so badly around the face and head in the awful Crime of earlier this year. It is like a miracle. It is better than when I had new teeth and that is really saying something.

It is my birthday this week and I decided to celebrate it today so after I left the office of the Supreme Goddess of Beauty I went to Top Shop and had my ears re-pierced. I haven’t worn earrings in 15 years and the holes had all but closed up. I suddenly felt that what I wanted for my birthday was to be able to wear earrings again. Right now there are two sparkly crystals in my ears. I feel reconnected with my own, relatively gorgeous, past and at the same time I can see into the future, and it is a future with earrings in it. The holes will have healed in about a month and then I can really have fun.

I feel happy because I feel pretty. My other birthday present to myself was new hi-tech moisturiser, so that the lower half of my face can keep pace with the newly rejuvenated upper half and finally I am due a haircut this week, which I’ve been waiting for, so we can at least begin styling it into a shape that I actually want.

I am speaking at a large business conference in France in a couple of weeks. I will be the only woman on a panel of men. I am going to wow everyone with my beauty and glamour as well as my expertise, if I can find my passport, that is.

1 Art point. I think this means I’m officially not depressed any more.

Unexpected Bursts of Romance

It is Week 7, day 7 of the happy pills. I am slowly and incrementally happier, day by day. I will know I have achieved my Recommended Daily Allowance of happiness when I start dancing again. We are not there yet, but I sense that we are not far off.

I am absolutely overjoyed with the results of my encounter with Botox. It was 7 days ago. At the time, the doctor informed me that it would take a week to achieve its full effects. I didn’t really understand why, so I was sceptical, but I look in the mirror every day, here we are on Day 7 and it is amazing. It is beyond anything I could have hoped for. What I hoped for was an eyebrow lift that would restore the arches to their former glory, and this happened quickly, within a couple of days, but what we have here on Day 7 is an upper eyelid lift as well. Because I’m quite old, I had got to the point where my upper eyelid was collapsing on top of my lower lid, and I thought this was something that couldn’t be rectified without surgery, but as of yesterday my eyelids are right back where they used to be 10 years ago, and I don’t look a day over 35. It is like a miracle. It even makes my haircut look better. Speaking of which, it’s time to see my hairdresser because roots.

Perhaps coincidentally and perhaps not, in light of my renewed confidence, I am suddenly having a very rewarding dating season. I am getting a lot of interest on the trusty dating site, which is always flattering, and there are two guys in particular who I’m happy to have in my life. One is William, who I’ve blogged about a few times recently. He was quiet for a couple of days and I wondered if he’d changed his mind but then he texted me and now it looks like we will have our third date this week. I am excited about this because I have quite a crush on him, also in the fickle world of online dating, if someone makes it to three dates, that’s very unusual and is a long relationship.

Additionally, he has a rival. There’s another guy, a Northern lad, let’s call him Charlie. He’s 28. I like a bit of Northern urban grit. We understand each other’s roots and culture. We’ve had two dates and I am getting to like him more than I expected. I could see how we could settle down into a comfortable thing together with absolutely no difficulty at all that involves joking around and saying Northern things and watching horror movies and having sex. In fact, that is pretty much the plan.

So that’s me. I am happy and I am well provided-for. Thank you Jah.

Iggy Azalea: Fancy (2014)


Sluttery, with bonus Church.

It is Week 7, Day 4 of the happy pills, and I am fairly happy. My newly-uplifted eyebrows and wrinkle-free eyes have taken at least 5 years off me, if not 10 (thanks, Obama, I mean Botox). I am full of confidence in my own beauty despite still being fatter and less muscular than I think I should be.

I have had more sex in the last 6 days than I’ve had in the last several months. I think I broke some kind of personal record. My orgasms are not arriving very easily but hell I am still having a great time and I am positively spoilt for choice where handsome young men are concerned.

In other news, I managed to haul my still-youthful ass out of bed today and went shopping for my nieces and nephews, with the result that I have enough toys to cover all four birthdays and Christmas.

Let’s have some Church now, as I am going to be busy tomorrow. X number of Slut points. I am not saying how many. A lot.

Cocoa Tea: She Loves Me Now

My First Botox

I had such a happy day today.

I went to the celebrity Botox clinic and had my face done. Like most things, Botox takes a while to kick in so apparently I shouldn’t expect to see any results for at least a week and my eyebrows are quite saggy so it’s going to take the full effect of the Botox to restore them to the position where they should be. However, the crows-feet wrinkles at the corners of my eyes are reduced to about 10% of what they were, they have almost completely disappeared, already. I am quite amazed and also thrilled. She was a nice doctor and I am going back on the 19th for a check-up and a top-up as necessary, included in the price. That was really unexpectedly fun and I did feel like a celeb even though I was by far the scruffiest and least glamorous person in the waiting room.

Then this evening I went to visit my friend D and we had a lovely dinner together and expressed deep affection for each other. 1 Friends point and 1 Vanity point, even though we don’t collect Vanity points. I can hardly pass it off as health, can I.