Tag: biggie smalls

In which I waver and have dark moods.

I have been in a funny mood the last couple of days, since about Saturday evening. Irritable, pensive and gloomy. To what shall I attribute it?

  • Could be hormones. I am the right age for swinging hormones, or it could be a time of the month thing or it could be exercise-induced testosterone surges or whatever.
  • Eurgh, I have faulty lights in my house and I have to engage an electrician. If the whole place needs rewiring, it will be very, very expensive, running to thousands of pounds. This is enough to make anyone annoyed and depressed.
  • I went on a carb binge over the weekend because I was just so tired of constantly eating raw vegetables and watching my weight waver within a range of the same two pounds for the last two weeks. I am back on the healthy eating wagon as of this morning. I wrote that sentence and then ate several pieces of Mint Aero with my breakfast smoothie.
  • I want to do demanding exercise classes at my gym but at the same time I am plagued by various allergies and itchy skin right now and I know this is a sign that I’ve run down my immune system instead of boosting it. I need to rest and preserve myself and get my energy up, clear my skin, then resume doing insane classes at the gym where you heave weights around until you pass out.
  • There are certain aspects of work that I find annoying, which I guess is true for everyone. I’m not very patient with bureaucracy.
  • Being in an actual relationship for the first time since 2010 brings its own rewards and challenges. On the rewards side, it is a warm and mutually beneficial social exchange, we are genuinely fond of each other and my house is clean all the time. On the challenges side, I picked someone highly intelligent and observant who notices everything and is very interested in getting to know me. This is unnerving because it is something I haven’t experienced for a long time. Usually, my relationships involve making sure the other person is kept at a distance. We don’t discuss deep, personal topics. I discourage personal remarks and they don’t ask penetrating questions. We keep things light and cheerful. I now realise that I haven’t let anyone get to know me well for several years. I just don’t let people get that close. Also, it’s conceivable that I might be a bit crazy. You don’t notice this as much if you don’t let people in.

So that’s why I’m grumpy today. When I’m in a better mood, I actually have some nice photos to show you, but they will have to wait. Let’s have a tune instead. This is 90s rap artist, Da Brat. In this beautiful video, many famous singers and rappers of the era come together for a party and to see her perform. The vibe is gentle and everyone is happy. For me, the most special and poignant moment is at 1:26, where the late Biggie Smalls, arguably the greatest rapper of all time, arrives with four of his honeys, affectionately holding two of them by the hand. He was always a ladies’ man. Precious moments in rap history. Biggie died of fatal gunshot wounds three years later, in 1997, aged 24. If I could choose between having Princess Diana come back from the dead or Biggie Smalls, I would choose Biggie.

Da Brat: Give It 2 You (1994)

It’s almost over.

I’m so ragey and tearful and I don’t think it’s all down to caffeine withdrawal.

This morning I had a phone call with someone at the World’s Worst Company about why I am leaving. I listened to myself talking. I listened to myself explaining how much it meant to me, to have the chance to return to an industry that I had been missing and wanting for 16 years. How much it meant to me to have the chance to revive a career that is what I was supposed to do with my life and had to turn my back on because of money.

Then I listened to myself explaining why I am about to turn my back on that career a second time. How I’ve taken 15 months of abuse from this company that I can no longer forgive. How I can’t wait any longer for it to get better, because it never gets any better. How we’ve abused our customers in a way that I can’t continue to be a part of. How the entire organisation seems to run on a tacit agreement that everyone should do as little work as possible. Everyone keeps quiet about it so that everyone can keep getting away with it. Everyone pays lip service to quality and customer satisfaction just as long as it means that nobody has to do any ACTUAL work. I can’t adjust to that and I am never going to adjust to that. I’m not retired and I couldn’t be that lazy and defeatist if I tried. I was born to work. And that’s why I can’t spend any more time with them or being required to represent them because they are professional work-avoiders.

I listened to myself talking and I am so angry. I am so angry and so bitterly disappointed. Then I ended the call and then I had another cry.

Let’s count how many more days until I am out of this nightmare.

  • I will down tools and stop being on the payroll at midnight on December 31st, that’s 7 weeks and 3 days away.
  • I can work from home and stop going to that horrible office in early December. My last day on the premises will be Friday 9 December, that’s 4 weeks and 2 days away.
  • Between now and then, I have to be physically on the premises 14 more times.

What do I have to show for this, 15 months of sweating blood for this company and sincerely doing everything I could for our customers?

  • It paid my bills for a few months while I was getting my business back on track.
  • I have a lot of clothes.
  • I met the Person who I’m not supposed to be in love with. My prize. If that’s all I take away with me, that’s enough. Plans are in place.

I looked for my career and it was not there and I have to accept that. I found love and I wore some nice dresses, and that is something. Now I need to get through the last few weeks and then I need to rest.

Time to say thanks to my friends.

I am trying to stay optimistic. Some days are better than others.

Last week was pretty awful but I am hoping it won’t be that bad again. It was a week in which I had business meetings every day, attempted to write numerous proposals, filled out job applications, talked to lawyers, was sick as a dog with a migraine and spent several days sleeping on the floor in the back room, surrounded by boxes, while a guest slept in my bedroom. After the guest left, he complained that ‘your guest room didn’t feel like a guest room and still had all your stuff in it’. It didn’t have ‘all my stuff’, it had a few books. All my stuff was piled in the back room where I was sleeping in conditions that I’ve seen easily surpassed in developing countries. I am not doing that again. It was worth about £40 in the end. If you ask me, it’s a triumph of effort on my part that he didn’t twig that he wasn’t sleeping in a guest room at all, he was sleeping in my bedroom, the contents of which had been evacuated as completely as possible while still leaving *just about* enough space in the back room for me not to have to sleep standing up.

Career opportunities that I have considered in the last week include prostitution. At least the punters go home after an hour and don’t sleep in your bedroom for days at a time while complaining that the room hasn’t been stripped as bare as a prison cell.

There is a tiny sniff of work here and there and this thawed my anxiety just enough that I was able to feel other emotions, and they weren’t particularly good ones. In particular, I was desperately upset that someone I thought was a close friend deliberately concealed from me the fact that he’d emigrated out of the UK six months ago, allowing me to think that he was 5 miles away down the road. Waited until I needed him, then finally revealed what was actually going on.

You really find out who your friends are in these situations. They aren’t who you think. People to whom I am terribly grateful: my loyal and long-suffering mother; my loyal friend C in Yorkshire; my former boss J who has really made a lot of time for me after barely seeing each other for 15 years; M who I briefly dated three years ago and have only occasionally spoken to since but who came over to comfort and help me the moment I needed him; my other friend C who is a doctor, who checks regularly on how I am doing. People in whom I am disappointed: S who lied to me about having left the country; K, who helped me by making a post on Reddit advertising a thing that I need to sell but who cannot make time for a 15 minute phone call or even a text message, despite being more aware than most people of my dire circumstances. I texted him about 3 days ago and said ‘It would be great if you could ask how I am”, but there was silence. I guess people are busy with their own lives.

I have been plagued by nightmares, which robs me of sleep.

Strangers have been kind. I have always believed in the kindness of strangers and they are not letting me down. Thanks to A who came over here two weekends ago, let me cry on him, made some excellent business suggestions, gave me a few good orgasms and bought enough food to keep me alive for a couple of days. I was so grateful for the food and the human comfort. He didn’t owe me anything, we didn’t know each other at all. I just liked his face, he looked clever and kind, and so it turned out that he was and I’m thankful to him for answering the call. Online dating is really something else. I am glad I am so good at it and have so much experience with it that I can use to identify decent, honest people who will help me when I have a problem that’s bigger than just having fun.

The Head Honcho is being kind as well. I have not furnished him with all the details but I told him that my life was hurting me and he was especially nice about it considering that empathy is not really his thing. He even suggested meeting up yesterday. It was a bit short notice and we couldn’t organise it in time but it was a nice offer and we are emailing each other and he is helping me think through some business ideas.

Things I have achieved, because I need to believe that I am getting somewhere:

– I have tried hard to raise work for my business and have a couple of briefs in. There is a big, huge gap between someone sending you a brief and you sending them an invoice, usually because briefs represent mere interest and have nothing to do with actual budget being available, but hey, briefs are briefs. Maybe ONE of them will magically turn into some actual money. Even one job would allow me to pay my tax bills, which are frightening.

– I have applied for some jobs. I had a phone interview that I can’t quite tell how it went, I have another job interview in June and I talked to a recruitment consultant who seemed really professional and has presented my details to a very high profile client with money to burn.

– I have been to numerous meetings in which I’ve sparkled and chatted people up and looked for freelance work. There is a little tiny sniff of work here and there.

– I achieved miracles with respect to making my house resemble a hotel, despite the petty complaints of the guest about a few books.

– Everyone who I’ve spoken to who knows anything about publishing says I’d be an idiot not to get a proposal for my book out to publishers right away, so I made time to write a chapter outline, write part of a sample chapter and start drafting a proposal because fuck it, I’ve got nothing left to lose at this point.

– I changed my broadband, gas and electricity suppliers, which will save a little bit of money.

– I returned my PC to the manufacturer.

– I didn’t die.

I am a bit tearful this morning but I am hoping that I will get over it in due course and then I can take a good look at the World’s Largest To-Do List and make a plan for the day and the coming week. I am trying to keep business meetings down to a bare minimum for the next week or so because I have more proposals and job applications to write.

Wish me luck. I am scared and I am juggling time and money like a circus perfomer but I am still here.

Let’s have some Church. I might have this whole album on continuous loop today, it has always given me strength.

Don’t ask me why I’m motherfucking stressed. Things done changed.

Notorious BIG: Things Done Changed.