My brain is certainly busy when I’m asleep. I’m having recurring nightmares. They all concern that job or the person who I wasn’t supposed to be in love with. They follow one or more of the following plotlines.
- I find that I still work there and have to keep going there.
- I work there, then I explosively lose my temper and have to leave.
- The Person is unexpectedly horrible to me and suddenly walks off, leaving me utterly bewildered.
All these things really happened. Apparently I am in shock, traumatised and confused. Firstly, everyone loves my work, as evidenced by the hero-worship of hundreds of that company’s clients, and that was the first time in a 30-year career that my work ethic and exceptional performance were rewarded by colleagues physically threatening me and destroying my property. Secondly, I’m starting to think that the Person treated me quite badly. Just because we weren’t getting naked doesn’t mean there was no relationship between us. I’m starting to think that isn’t a very nice thing to do to someone, to spend well over a year cultivating a deep emotional relationship and then deny everything and march off when the relationship finally has the potential to turn into a physical reality.
Considering it’s now February and most of the concluding action happened in November and December, yet this is a disturbing feature of my nightly sleep, I’m starting to think that ‘trauma’ is not too strong a word to describe what happened.
I suppose I will have to wait for it to work itself out of my system. I would like it to hurry up because I just want to forget it ever happened. I just want to never think of it or speak of it ever again. It’s not as though I’m failing to industriously fill up my life with more pleasant things.