Month: October 2016

Red Bull does not give you wings.


One 250ml can of Red Bull: 80mg caffeine.

Two Pro-Plus caffeine pills (“equal to one cup of coffee”, lol): 100mg caffeine.

One Starbucks Grande Latte: 150mg caffeine. Grande isn’t even the largest size, it is medium size.

One Starbucks Grande Americano: 225mg caffeine.

In other words, I would have to drink THREE cans of Red Bull to achieve the effect of one Starbucks Americano.

As I can easily put away three or more Americanos in the course of one 16-hour working day, and as I can no longer drink any coffee at all due to my freshly bleached teeth, that fully explains why I have been passing out at my desk.

Red Bull. Weak as child’s piss. Maybe that could be their new strapline.

In which I brush my teeth into a pulp.

A quick news round-up because my life is non-stop news and action.

  • Time. Fuck, I am so tired. I even get up at 4am on the weekends, just to get everything done. I am wiped out. I CANNOT WAIT to be released from the job at the World’s Worst Company. It’s going to be awful for another 6-8 weeks then I’m free and I can have a normal life again. I will be able to have days off, see my family, and I won’t have to get up at four o’clock in the fucking morning seven days a week.
  • Health. Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Okay, so I had my ruined teeth bleached, using the latest laser technology, with unexpectedly fabulous results and at horrifying expense. As a direct result of this: (1) I quit smoking, I am afraid to smoke. My gums look better already. (2) I quit coffee. I am suffering HORRIBLE caffeine withdrawal symptoms. HORRIBLE. But they will eventually pass. (3) I am still losing weight, yay! I am basically afraid to put anything at all in my mouth because my newly-bleached teeth are as absorbent as cotton wool. So I am hardly eating. Also, I brush my teeth approx. 14 times a day. Tomorrow I’m seeing my dentist again and we are going to start another long round of cosmetic work, which is worth doing now I’ve finally quit smoking.
  • Emotions. Hanging on in there. All I can see now is leaving my job at Xmas – hooray! – and, relatedly, as I become thinner and cough less and have better teeth I am becoming exponentially more attractive to the Person who I am secretly in love with. Win.
  • Finances. An absolute car crash as usual, except that my private business is booming. Booming, I tell you. If I could find time to send and chase some invoices, I would be sorted.

The people at the WWC are freaking out because I finally quit. Too late, guys. You’ve had 13 months of my life already, you have no serious work for me to do and you are not making good use of my time and resources. I’m gone. You should have taken some time to listen to any of the things I’ve been saying to you for the last year.

As is tradition, let’s identify at least one thing that is making me happy right now. I am nominating Love. The Person has realised that I am going to be available in new ways from January onwards and we could in fact have a relationship if we wanted to. He is considering his options. I am getting my teeth fixed and wearing dress after dress. It’s time for this particular love story to reach some kind of conclusion. I don’t know which way it is going to go. Either we are going to fall in love properly or he will panic and fail to follow through. I can’t tell which it will be. He’s not the most grounded, mature or decisive individual I’ve ever met, on the other hand, if we can get some sort of relationship going, he will be the most fashion-forward man I’ve ever dated and every single week we spend together will be London Fashion Week. Sex is a secondary consideration, really. Mainly I just want to dress up like a Disney princess and skip to some clothes shops together. It’s almost a gay best friend scenario except that I would be able to touch him as well. I don’t know what more a girl could want. Please cross your fingers for me, and I’ll abstain from smoking and keep industrially cleaning my teeth. Love.

The Shirelles: Dedicated To The One I Love (1959)

Game Over.

Decision made. I’m leaving the job. I’m leaving the World’s Worst Company. Today was the tipping point. I’m out.

I’ve just emailed HR to hand in my notice and specify the date by which I want to be released.

I’m relieved. I’ve had enough now. Game over.

Sing along. I’m gonna shoot through. And leave you.

EMF: Unbelievable (1990)

Life is a game of management.

  • I manage my time. Ruthlessly and without regard for my own health or comfort. I sure get a lot done. I work 7 days/week, I regularly get up before 5am and I am the most productive person I know.
  • I manage my health, very badly. I have toothache, yet I am still smoking. I just stopped eating instead, like that’s going to make a difference. So on the plus side at least I’m losing weight without really trying. Apparently I think smoking is a more foundational requirement for my survival than food and will ditch food without hesitation or regret if it means I can continue smoking for a bit longer.
  • I manage my emotions. Pretty well, actually. I’m working on developing a psychopathic level of detachment because it helps me cope with my day job. I’ve actually read a couple of books about psychopaths, looking for tips. One book said that psychopaths think of other people as furniture and I have found this very helpful for dealing with my so-called colleagues.
  • I manage my finances. Less said about that, the better. It has been the same story my whole life. I am good at making money. It needs me to be in a happy and confident mood, but given that condition, I can make money without trying too hard. I am not good at conserving it and I’m not good at paying my tax bills on time. I live hard and fast. Money oils the forward trajectory. I watch it coming in, and as long as it keeps arriving I don’t worry about it, even though I should.
  • I manage my house. Just about adequately. I do housework about once a fortnight and as I live alone that’s actually about enough to keep cholera from breaking out.
  • I manage my relationships. I am pleased how well. I am having a pretty happy and functional relationship with the Scandinavian Scientist. As for the Person who I’m not supposed to be in love with, who is a long term project, I venture to say that I have him transfixed. He looks at me and only at me. Long may it continue.
  • I manage my career. It’s an interesting one because as you know I work at the World’s Worst Company as well as running my own business. Life at the WWC is better than it was this time last year but the organisation itself continues to be a total shambles and I am embarrassed by it and the products we sell. My own commercial business is doing great. Every day I consider my options. Every day I consciously evaluate whether spending hours on the premises of the WWC is in my best interests. The jury is still out.

And now, let’s finish on a list of things that are making me happy by decorating my life.

  • Romance. Quite a bit of this. I am surprised. It’s good. It’s cute and fluffy and it puts me in a better mood. I need a bit of frothy romance in my life in the same way that I need speciality coffee.
  • Clothes. An ongoing pleasure. When we get to Xmas I’ll post a picture of my 12 favourite dresses that I wore to work this season, I’ve been wearing some outrageous retro outfits.
  • Because I am a creative genius, albeit a slightly unpredictable one, the WWC lets me try out experimental new things at work. As a result of this, I engineered things so that every week I get a set amount of time of (a) discussing art and (b) opportunities to dance if I feel like it and (c) music with accompanying singing. When I say music, I mainly mean DISCO.

Let’s have some. Get up and dance. This is the single best part of my working week and to be honest the main reason I keep going back there.

Jimmy Somerville: You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)

The state of my life.

Right, well here we are at 7.30 in the morning. About time we had a news update, as my life lurches from one urgent decision to another.


  • There is plenty of it, so that’s good. Can’t complain about that. There is an abundant supply.
  • I think I’m about to get promoted at my day job, the Terminator invited me to a meeting about a business proposal that I wrote.
  • In my privately owned business, another new client has just come on board, just as I’ve wrapped up 3 projects for the last one.


  • This person who I’m not supposed to be in love with. Things keep heating up, it is like a slow cooker. This person loves everything about me EXCEPT that I am absolutely shit at looking after my own health. This is not a minor consideration for them. It is going to be a deal-breaker, I can tell. This forces decisions in the areas of health and also beauty because vanity.


  • FFS, I need to grow up.
  • Teeth. As you know, teeth and dentistry are a major part of my life, this is because I smoke more on than off. I reduce my mouth to a state of dereliction by smoking, and my dentist attempts to repair or disguise it with moderate success and considerable expense. My gums look like smoked bacon and I need to sort it out.
  • Smoking. See above. I have in fact reverted to being quite a heavy smoker and I need to quit now.
  • I am compensating for the destructive effects on my appearance in various ways. Don’t judge me.
    • Clothes. Everybody loves my wardrobe. I am one well-dressed smoker.
    • Botox. My new guy is great and half the price of my previous doctor, also great.
    • Liposuction. I am looking into this but also I’m doing a reasonably good job of not being fat and weigh 149 pounds this morning so it’s not desperately urgent.
    • Yesterday I went into a shop and took half my clothes off and a girl aged about 20 did things to me with a high-tech machine that goes ping, this is because I have discovered laser hair removal.

That’s where we are. I need to do some more work now and I need to figure out a way to work 80 hours/week without using smoking and coffee as a crutch.

Friday night.

Fun fun fun. Still sick with a disgusting cold. Get home from work completely wiped out. Stare into middle distance. Eventually realise I should go to bed. Switch off computer. Switch on phone to set alarm for the morning. Find messages from accountant. Switch computer back on. Do tax return.

Things which are good in my life, let me count them.

  • A sort-of job opening has been posted at my work. It is only 20% of a job really, equivalent to 1 day/week but it would make my working week 20% less annoying. I glanced over the job and person description at the office today when it was distributed around the company. It was written for me. There isn’t anyone else who works there who fits that description. It has blatantly got my name all over it. I should be very happy about this and in some ways I am. Guess I’ll be magicking up some extra time to fill out even more forms, then.
  • I am still seeing the scientist, at least technically. It is a Relationship, even though I’ve been sick for 2 weeks and he’s been out of the UK for the best part of 3 weeks so we haven’t seen each other.
  • In a cruel irony, the Person who I am not supposed to be in love with, who is most definitely not in any remotely official Relationship with me, is regularly a feature of my environment and I even magically become less sick when he is around. I love him, I really do. It is a sweet thing. I feel like Dolly Parton.

Sing with me. The multi-coloured moods of love are like his satin wings.

Dolly Parton: Love Is Like A Butterfly

Now we are six.

Lordy lord. It’s our birthday and I hadn’t noticed, in fact it was yesterday. The mighty quest to achieve The Life You Want is six years old!!


Thanks, readers, for still being here! I really had no clue back in 2010 that this was going to be such a long running project.

Let’s quickly review where we are compared to Day 1 in October 2010.

  • 2010: just broke up with long term boyfriend and feeling desperate. 2016: professionally single. I have being single down to a fine art. I’m totally in control of my own time and I’ve had more attention from men in the last 5 years than at any other stage of my life, and I wasn’t doing badly before.
  • 2010: my house could have featured on an episode of Hoarders. 2016: it is still messy but because I clean fairly regularly, the house is always within 2-4 hours of being presentable for guests.
  • 2010: I had got out of the habit of seeing and reading about Art. 2016: Art is a surprisingly big feature of my life and I see more of it than I have time to write about.

That’s good enough, I’m calling that a good result. I need to get back to work now because I am completely overwhelmed. Happy birthday, kids.