Gloria’s Emergency Diet

It is no joke. I slightly freaked out when I realised I’d hit 160lbs. I ate far too much bread and cake and I don’t know what I was thinking and now I look like I could have a baby at any minute.

The reasons this matters is because I need to be able to fit into a dress by Tuesday because there’s a work event and they’ll most likely want to take photos of me. So here’s Gloria’s Emergency Diet, if you want to join in.


  • Lean protein, no larger than the size of a deck of cards.
  • Green vegetables. Green ones, not sweetcorn, carrots, tomatoes or any of that nonsense, those bright colours will make you fat. Green only.


  • Everything else, especially
  • Sugar
  • Caffeine (I thought I was going to die from caffeine withdrawal, I have probably done my general health a favour by cutting it out).
  • Salt

So that’s me. You don’t know much I would like a big, sugary latte with an extra shot.

I currently weigh 156.4 pounds so there you go, we are heading in the right direction. I am seriously thinking about getting liposuction on my fat gut because the rest of my body looks okay. I’m disproportionately apple-shaped. Apparently ‘Lunchtime Lipo’ is a thing now at several London clinics. I would rush there today but it will not solve my problems by Tuesday because it invariably causes swelling and you have to wait days for it to go down.

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