Month: April 2016

Dress the fuck up.

Suddenly I’m popular with senior management because of the glowing reports from my clients. I am now experienced enough with this company to not trust anyone but my clients, everyone else is either a lying snake or incompetent or both.

Anyway they don’t want to fire me this week and that means they’ve now got 17 weeks left to tell me to get out. After that it will be more difficult to get shot of me.

I am responding to the situation in the only way I know how: (1) love my customers, sincerely and with an open heart; (2) play a lot of UK garage; (3) outdress everybody in the organisation. I am one smartly-dressed motherfucker. I make people who are more senior than I am look dishevelled. And now for a tune. Get up and dance.

Deetah: Relax (Bump & Flex Mix)

Monday morning.

I feel like I make major life decisions every day.

It’s Monday morning and I don’t need to be on site at the office this morning so I am at my desk trying to sort out my pile of urgent tasks that is like a Hydra.

Because I can only do so many things in a day, I have to make hard decisions about how to use my time.

  1. HR aspects of day job. The bullying and harassment I experience from my so-called colleagues at Britain’s Worst Company continues to surprise me with its levels of both stupidity and aggression. I almost wonder if it is time for another conversation with HR. Not because I expect them to be able to do anything but because we are dealing with a situation that has legal consequences. I am not going to be bullied into resigning but we may find ourselves in a situation where they fire me and I have to sue them for constructive dismissal, this is my career and finances you are messing with. But all this stuff takes time out of my day.
  2. Actually doing my day job. I love this part of the job but I question the wisdom of investing more hours and energy than I have to given point one. I started there on 1 September. I am on a probationary contract for a year. If they haven’t manufactured a reason to fire me by 1 September 2016 then the terms of my contract will tighten and they will have trouble getting rid of me. It’s now 25 April. They have four months left to try to force me out. I would say the chances of my still being there on 1 September are 50/50. If I’m still there on 1 September then all the aggression and bullying is just hot air. But it doesn’t feel like hot air, it feels like quite a sustained campaign. So we’ll see. In the meantime, I doubt the wisdom of going above and beyond the call of duty for this organisation.
  3. My own business interests. Tax tax and more tax. Proposals.
  4. My own personal affairs, ranging from trivial stuff like drycleaning to the fact that I haven’t seen a dentist in 12 months and I desperately need to sort out my state pension. My own personal stuff comes last every single time and this is why I struggle with things like pensions and mortgages.

Right, I’d better get on with some stuff.

Do you really like it? Is it is it wicked?

So beautiful today. I know I am not wrong about this. I am feeling the client love big-time. So much love in the room today. They fucking love me and why shouldn’t they, there isn’t much I won’t do for them. I am deeply and joyfully in love with all 3,500 of them and I think they feel the same way about me. Fuck all the haters. Haters gonna hate.

It is that time of the working year when I solicit written feedback from my customers in which I encourage them to tell me what they think of my service delivery. I asked probably 40 people today and received 28 detailed pieces of fan mail in one day in which they said such nice things about me that I wanted to cry. They really love me. They feel cared for and they hang on my every word.

Naturellement, I handed copies of the fan mail to my boss and the CEO. Go ahead and fire me. I am the best thing that has ever happened to you and here is the written evidence.

As my clients boost my confidence, I become freer in how I express myself in our time together. Of late I’ve taken to using the organisation’s sound systems to blast out five minutes of spunky UK garage prior to the start of client meetings, which I begin on the dot. It really puts everybody in a good mood.

28 messages in one day, fuck yeah.

DJ Pied Piper: Do You Really Like It

Good bits of days at work.

So today was the usual type of day at work. (1) I dressed very smartly, as per usual. (2) I was on the receiving end of the usual daily hate from people who hate me, it is always slightly different people from day to day. (3) Client love. This happened.

Int: Day. An office. A large general work area where clients do stuff on their laptops. I am passing through this area and one of them comes up to me.

Client: Uh, I need some help with this piece of work I’m doing. I haven’t really attended any of our meetings in the last couple of months and I’m out of my depth with this project. Will you help me?

Me: Of course I will. Let’s get it sorted out today. I’ll be free at five o’clock, come and see me then, okay?

Client: Oh thank you.

Me: No problem! I want all my customers to be happy and successful, right everybody? (pointing at general area)

Three other clients: Yeah, that’s right.

OK, maybe I was being a bit hysterical.

I think it was because I quit smoking. I was inclined to fly off the handle for a couple of days.

It is 5am here in London and I am at my desk because I have a lot to do. I am still completely overwhelmed with work but it is not all bad news because some of the work is commercial activity for my own business and that has good money attached to it.

I am not going to recite the litany of complaints, mainly revolving around the tax issues, the physical challenges of doing 2 full time jobs and the horrible, vicious people I have to work with. Let me just quickly record a couple of nice things because I have to capture the good moments as they happen.

(1) My clothes continue to be fabulous, I wore a very pretty blue satin floral dress yesterday and received numerous compliments on it throughout the day, including from random people in Tesco where I was buying 12 pairs of tights.

(2) My clients love me. They really do. I’ve been told twice within a week that I am the best supplier they’ve ever worked with, and one of them additionally emailed me to thank me for being a lovely person and going beyond the call of duty for them.

(3) I’ve bumped into the person who I secretly and illicitly love two or three times in the last two weeks and this always makes my day, it is like the sun shining.

(4) Even though I am 155 pounds, which makes me as heavy as I’ve ever been, I looked pretty yesterday. This is really worth something to me at my advanced age. Believe me, I do not wake up looking pretty. I have jowls and visible pores, I have bags under my eyes and a waist like an elephant. I look in the mirror when I get up and I despair at the raw materials I have to work with. But I make a lot of effort for work, mainly because many of my colleagues are so nasty and wish they could grind me down, and also because I don’t have any life outside of work. It’s not like I’m going out dating and seeing my friends. So I do my face very carefully with serums and polishers and careful make-up, and I dress like Sophia Loren. Plus I just had my hair coloured so I have no grey hair right now. I put on the aforementioned pretty dress and strangers were exceptionally nice to me all day. They held doors open for me. I was introduced to somebody at lunch who works in fashion marketing who couldn’t wait to tell me how fashionable I am. When I was on the London Underground, a man stopped doing his crossword and gave me his seat even though he was seated almost the whole length of the carriage away and there were 3 other people standing between me and him who he could have offered it to.

Right, I must sort myself out and go to work. It’s now 5:16 am and I have impossible amounts of things that need doing. See you later.

Everyday dilemmas.

I sort of wish I hadn’t given up smoking (again). I am emotionally volatile, as you can tell.

This isn’t good because I continue to be completely overwhelmed with work.

I have managed to close one of the businesses but that still leaves me with two full-time jobs and the newly closed business is a whirlpool of complicated tax issues.

I am stressed and tearful and I would love to fucking smoke right now but I have scoured the house for even smallest shred of tobacco and there is none.

I can’t do all this on my own and I don’t know how to solve it. I have got my working week down from 97 hours to about 80 hours but that’s still an 80-hour working week and I keep finding emails and urgent tasks that are 2 weeks old.