Month: February 2016

Results and progress since last week.

Right, so you remember the big diagram of pain from last week? Here it is again, if you forgot.

severe butthurt

And here is the news on what progress we’ve made since last time, since I resolved to start being a cause and not an effect.

1. Self-Pity

  • I don’t look so ill any more. My mystery allergy that makes all my skin come off is still affecting my scalp and hands but has cleared up almost everywhere else. I wore a V-neck dress and a necklace today and from the state of my neck and chest only a week ago, I thought I was several months from being able to wear those clothes. So this is v good.
  • Relatedly, I feel less ill. I am taking large amounts of anti-histamines and cannot drink alcohol; fortunately I’ve never been overly excited about alcohol, while I am excited by my rejuvenated creamy skin.
  • Relatedly, the minute my skin started to improve, I took action on the highly regrettable points ‘nobody loves me’ and ‘sex life is dead in the water’. I revived my online dating profile, knowing that it will cause a scandal if anyone at work notices, and I have a date tomorrow night with a nice young man who can’t believe his luck. Basic necessities of life. I need love and the internet is a better place for it to flower than at my place of work.

2. Disappointment

  • I told Human Resources that I compiled my report and I am not giving it to them yet because it is too inflammatory and belongs in the hands of a lawyer so we can talk about compensation. Before things get that far, I want a meeting with the CEO of this organisation where we talk business in a sensible way and try to find a way forward, then I’ll decide what to do with this explosive document.
  • Person 1. I had a conversation with Person 1 and I think we got things sorted out, which is good.
  • Person 2 shares my office. Or did until HR contacted some people in my department and told them to find me a new desk somewhere else in the building. They have to do this so that they can show they took reasonable measures to combat the hostile working environment that I’ve been complaining about. So. I will pack the rest of my stuff tomorrow and I am moving to a new desk on a different floor of the building on Monday. The new desk is not ideal, it is in a large open plan office and I will have 0 privacy and less storage space. However, the new office has more natural daylight, I can sit next to a window and I don’t have to be in a small, confined space with Person 2 so it is in fact an improvement, viewed from a certain angle. It will be a relief, I think. It is the best desk that my organisation can offer me right now and I am taking them up on that offer.

3. Severe Butthurt.

  • I got over myself, like an adult. Enough said.

4. Can’t See A Way Forward

  • Well, we’ve made progress this week, in the direction of Forward, even though the future is far from secure.

5. Anxiety

  • Jesus Christ, I am absolutely skint. All my money is tied up in one of my businesses and I can’t get at it. My other business is suffering from clients offering me work and then not following through. My day job is not paying enough to get me back in the black. I keep reminding myself that I’ve only been paid once since mid December, plus I had to renew my annual gym membership in January which was like half my wages. If I can avoid quitting this job or getting fired for another six months, it might start showing a profit. So – I am broke right now, this is a reality. However, they haven’t fired me yet and I get paid again in 4 days so I am hanging on in there.
  • I am doing a pretty successful job of not worrying about it. Things will be okay.

So there you go. Pretty good progress, I reckon. If my life ends up in a big old mess, at least it will be a mess that I created myself, rather than a mess that I passively allowed to happen to me. And that’s all the news. Wish me luck for a nice date tomorrow.

Let’s have some more Biggie Smalls. He is my spirit animal.

Notorious BIG ft Method Man: The What

 

 

 

Severe Butthurt

I just don’t know what I would do without this blog. I am sorry there is so much psychology and self-help in here, I would honestly prefer it if we had more casual sex and art exhibitions but hey I am doing my best.

I experienced a lot of negative emotions today and I do not like to lose hours of my life to feeling depressed. So after living it with for a while and letting it bother me, I finally took action. As you can see from the below, it is yet another TLYW Massive Diagram. I listed all the negative emotions that I was experiencing, which you see in the red boxes there. I made sure to get them all.

Then I thought about it and wrote some responses to my own complaints, which you see in the yellow boxes. That was pretty helpful actually. Then that led me to the conclusion expressed in the top left hand corner.

So that’s me and my butthurt and how I plan to get over it and turn things around.

severe butthurt

Let’s have some proper reggae. This is beautiful, full of rootsy strength. Jah Rastafari. All dem tings small problems.

Derajah Ft Paketo: Inna De Yard

Sick

I called in sick, because I am sick. My face is a dry mask of eczema and my head aches. Three months ago I would have forced myself into work and made it even worse but I am not prepared to do that any more. I am not going to commit suicide for this company. It’s not like anyone there gives a shit about me.

Human Resources

Today was another awful day at work. I was struggling. I was packing my belongings in my office and struggling to not walk off the premises and go home.

In the end I took a deep breath and went to visit Human Resources. I told them everything that’s happened. I asked them to explain to me how I’m supposed to keep working there. I showed them my rash which is so bad on my chest that it looks like burns. I told them about the visit to Accident and Emergency a few months ago when I had a ten-day migraine. I told them about being physically threatened at my desk. I told them a lot of things. I asked them to explain to me how I am going to avoid becoming yet another casualty of this organisation where senior people walk out within 6 months of being hired.

They don’t know. But they are taking me very seriously and they want a written report of everything so it’s QUITE HANDY that I logged every damn thing, every single thing, including lazy and uninterested responses from people at every level of seniority who simply Could Not Be Bothered with small matters like customer service and doing their jobs.

I don’t know where this is going but it needed saying.

Allergy

I tried to go to bed three hours ago. I had to get up again because I want to claw all my skin off.

I do not think it is a coincidence that the worst job I’ve ever had is being accompanied by the worst allergic reaction I’ve ever had. I am utterly tormented by the itchy rash from hell, which continues its relentless spread all over my body. It has reached my hands and face. It has reached every part of my body except for my feet. My chest, arms, back and legs are a mess. I had to cut my nails down because I scratch in my sleep.

It has to start getting better soon, I am trying to be patient. I believe that if I quit that job, I would get better. I think I am allergic to that place. My skin is screaming at me, I have never seen it so distressed.

Suggestions welcome. Things I have tried:

  • E45 cream, is debatable whether it is doing anything
  • Aloe Vera gel stings like sulphuric acid

Fashion Notes.

Training, whatever. It was just a bunch of people sitting in a room chatting.

It is almost 8pm and I am less tearful and working on being more emotionally detached. The current temperature is Annoyed which is at least familiar and thus relatively comfortable.

I remembered just now that one thing that really helped me a lot in the September-December season was fashion. As I became more and more exhausted and came to feel that I was in some sort of war of attrition with my employer, the more I dressed up. By the end of the season I upstaged everybody and was more fabulous than a Brazilian TV presenter. I need to start doing that again now because it is proven to give me strength and preserve my sense of humour. I hate this job right now so if I have to be there at all I will do it in six-inch heels, a corset, a designer frock and false eyelashes if I bloody feel like it. If they paid me a bit more generously I would get a set of veneers and laser skin resurfacing.

Let’s have some lovely drag queens. If I had that salamander costume I would totally wear that to work.

Priscilla, Queen of the Desert: Finally

 

 

 

 

No matter which way you look at it, this ain’t right.

It is 11.50am and I am at home, crying at my desk. I need to stop and attempt to put on make-up so I can go to the office. You see, five solid months after I needed it, my workplace is finally making some training available.

So I have to go and spend the entire afternoon enduring training for a job where I have no particular expectation of being in that job tomorrow, next week or next month.

Reasons why I should stick it out

  • they give me some money every month, not sure it is worth the pain also when you work out the unpaid overtime that I do, it’s about £3/hour.
  • I will find it hard to get another job at another institution in the same industry if I stay for less than a year. I now have very much lowered expectations of other institutions in the same industry being better, even though I know that they must be because we were recently ranked 149th and there are only about 150 in the country.

Reasons why it causes me pain every day and makes me want to leave on a minute to minute basis

  • too many to count at this point. A seriously long list. The fun parts of the job are drained of joy by the amount of pain.
  • I doubt the wisdom of generating any more value for this company, I could be producing intellectual property for one of the companies that I own, not this piece-of-shit circus.

Reasons why they could fire me

  • oh, a fucking massive list. Let’s put some more things on it. See if I care. Fire me and let’s go to court. I feel like talking to an industrial tribunal about health and safety laws and hostile working enviroments.

This cannot be right, can it. I should not be in tears on a Tuesday morning because I don’t want to go to this godforsaken place any more. I don’t cry my eyes out before going to meetings with my commercial clients.

Actually, now I think about it, I did once have a commercial client who was absolutely awful, a bullying micro-manager, who succeeded in making me cry in the middle of fieldwork. And readers, I fired him. Because I was not and am not so unsure of my ability to pay the bills somehow that I need to put up with that shit. So that’s the story of the time I fired one of my clients. I feel a bit better for relating it.