Desperate Botox Junkie

Hair is done, teeth are done. Botox is so desperately needed before my whole face slides off my skull and ends up in my bra.

My normal doctor is rly rly expensive but she is shit hot and does celebrities and is a surgeon.

Because I am too broke for this right now and also because her receptionist won’t give me an appointment before 1 September, I tried to go to someone else.

I looked up a Botox doctor’s practice in the West End and took hours out of my impossible work day to rush down there with a pocket full of cash. He is a real doctor but he only charges about 60% of what my celebrity doctor charges, so it was a no brainer. Then this happened:

Doctor: So what can I do for you?

Me: Botox, pls. Urgently needed. Mainly in the eyebrow area, as you can see, my upper eyelids are collapsing on to my face, some Botox around here is urgently needed to hitch them up.

Doctor: But Botox will not do that.

Me: !! I don’t know what you mean. I’ve been having it for months. Why else would I be here?

Doctor: That is not what Botox is for. I cannot promise this to you. I have seen this happen in maybe 1 in 1,000 patients.

Me: But I have seen the evidence on my own face. Am I imagining it?

Doctor: All Botox will do is smooth out wrinkles. But you don’t have any wrinkles.

Me: Right. Because I have Botox. Please, just get the stapler out and do my eyebrows. Please.

Doctor: It won’t work. You will be wasting your money.

Me: Well can you talk to me about what will work? We’ve got to be able to do something. I don’t understand the problem. Come on, just poison my face around the eyebrow area. I’m trying to give you money.

Doctor: Botox cannot do what you want. You need surgery for that. An upper eye lift.

Me: Shit.

*leaves doctor’s office*

*bursts into tears outside office*

*calls original doctor and leaves tearful and desperate voicemail message about getting me in before 1 September.*

FML. That was my birthday present. I was excited. And I don’t want to look old.

I am categorising this post under Art because that is what my face means to me.

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