Thinking time.

I imagined I was coming to Spain for a bit of nice weather and swimming. I really had no idea that it was going to involve such heavy-duty thinking, followed by reading, followed by more thinking. My holiday is running out and in sync with that, I feel I’m starting to reach some conclusions, or if not conclusions exactly, then some insight.

At first I was just rather distressed about work. I came up with about 22 new business ideas and while there is nothing wrong with them in and of themselves, they weren’t nourishing me or exciting me and I felt flat and empty. They were like good ideas that I might have for someone else.

I also recognised that there is something wrong with reactively generating a flurry of creativity because you think you have to, under duress.

Where I am up to now. Things I have realised:

  • Despite the title of this blog, I don’t know what the life I want is. I have no purpose in life, no aim and no goal. Oh sure, there are small things like “be able to fit into a size 10 sports bikini”, but these things are hardly reasons for continuing to be alive, are they. If I were more purposeful, I would need excellent physical health to accomplish my aims in life and fitting into tiny bikinis would be a side effect and not an end in itself.
  • With the notable exception of realising that I feel better when I help people, I have no idea what my values are. I could tell you a huge list of things that frustrate me and piss me off and the considerable achievements of my career have all been born out of a sense of white-hot indignation about how crap everything is. But that only works as long as you stay angry and keep fighting, and in the last 5 years, I’ve given up. I’m not even trying any more. I still hate and despise 1,800 things but somewhere along the line I stopped believing I could change them. I gave up, went on auto pilot and concentrated on attempting to please myself in small ways, like travelling and reading novels and occasionally trying to cook things, not to mention 3.5 years of cat and mouse with the Honcho and various other frivolous love affairs, as you see documented here. I don’t know that I have any positive values or beliefs – I mean, I suppose I must have some, but I don’t know what they are and I don’t respect my own job. Bill Hicks said that people like me should kill themselves and I don’t completely disagree with him.
  • Because I don’t have a purpose, I don’t have a reason to avoid doing bad things and this is why I periodically relapse into smoking and feeding a sugar addiction, because I don’t have a sense of sabotaging myself, because there is absolutely nothing important that I’m trying to achieve.

I am just basically sitting here and riding it out and maybe that would be okay if I were 100 years old and close to death but I am not even half that and I might have to live with myself for another several decades.

That probably sounds more negative than I mean it to. It’s not, really. My frame of mind has been quite negative but yesterday and today have been a kind of turning point. I am starting to see that I NEED a set of positive values and a goal in life. I need to let go of prejudices. I need to stop letting my future be constrained by my history. I need a positive set of values and principles that I believe in and are genuinely motivating for me, and I need a purpose in life, because I do not have one. I need to get one, or find out what it is.

If I can do these things, then the question of how I should be earning a living would reveal itself as fairly straightforward. It would be obvious. And I would not be generating 22 business ideas that all look like they are designed for someone else. 

Phew. Thanks for listening. I didn’t know this trip was going to be like this. Hardcore soul-searching going on here.

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