Early morning philosophical rambling because I have just woken up, on holiday, and I am not that excited about it. Normally, any trip to another country instantly lifts my spirits.
The life I have is the life I built for myself. This is what I wanted. I like being single more than I liked living with someone or being married. I don’t complacently rely on someone else to look after me and in the process drag me down or hold me back. I’m not answerable to anyone else at work. I don’t have a boss, only partners and business associates. Nobody tells me what I should do with my time or how I should make my money and I can’t imagine going back to having a job, being stressed all the time and showing up at an office because someone else said I had to. I have more or less achieved perfect freedom. I should be the happiest person alive. But I’m not, really.
– Work. I am not that happy with the current state of the industry I work in and it is not going to go back to the way it was. I could move into doing something else, which is more risky. Or I could come up with some new products and services, which is partly what I want to do while I am here. If I do this, it needs to be something I can passionately believe in, otherwise (a) I can’t sell it and (b) I will be bored in two minutes. I have the freedom to do what I want. If I am not 100% satisfied with my career then it is up to me to change it. It is my responsibility. It’s not like I have to do clerical work like when I was young, for want of any other options. I think I am going to set myself a target on this holiday of coming up with 6 new business ideas. 3 things that I can implement within my industry right away, to keep paying the bills, and 3 new ventures that could be in any field.
– Love. The Honcho is also not going to go back to the way he was. We really are squeezing the last drops of value out of this relationship now. Yes, he excites me, immensely, after 3 or 4 years that’s quite an achievement, but, tragically, he’s not that excited about me any more and I am clinging to the past which is not good for my morale. Also I think I’ve used him as a distraction for a long time, when I was bored with other aspects of my life, instead of changing them. I can’t help noticing that last time I went on holiday, to Jordan in 2013 (am not counting Corfu because all I did was throw up for 3 days), I was discontented with the Honcho then and feeling abandoned and here we are 2 years later and we are no further forward.
For a couple of years I have been living on the past and now the past is getting a bit threadbare and going on holiday isn’t fixing it.
This is my responsibility. I am very lucky. I am well educated and entrepreneurial. I can attract partners. I’m energetic (enough) and still relatively young, which is good, as I don’t have a retirement plan.
It is time for change and that means making an effort. As much as I sometimes wish I worked on a supermarket checkout and had a more reliable sex life. I didn’t want reliable, I wanted exciting. Now it’s up to me to provide it. What I really cannot afford to do, in a very literal sense, because the money will run out, is sit around feeling sorry for myself and wishing to go back to the days when the Honcho couldn’t get enough of me and the business community was throwing money at me just for existing.
I need a new business plan and, more than that, a new life plan.
I also need breakfast. More later. I am supposed to do sightseeing today but I might spend some time planning instead. I can do sightseeing when I feel more sure of myself.