Work continues to be ridiculous. I am at work now, at 9.30 at night, I have a few more hours ahead of me, then I have to get up at 5am to travel to meetings on the other side of the country. It is fairly horrible. I am mildly exasperated with the document I am writing. It should be over by Friday and I look forward to a better week next week that will hopefully include some gym. Now let us speak of other things.
So, as you know, I asked the Honcho if he would take me back, not that this really means a whole lot as I haven’t actually seen him since January 2012. I confessed to him exactly how fat I am (over 160 pounds today) and at first he disapproved but then he unexpectedly came round to the idea and decided it was a good thing. That’s when things took an interesting turn. You see, when I asked him to ‘take me back’, all I meant by this was that I wanted to get back into our familiar routine of daily email- and text-based conversations, flirting, unfulfilled desire and opportunities for me to be in love with him in a way that entails no real-life commitment or inconvenience. I thought he would be up for that because, as mentioned, he’s persistently avoided being in the same room with me for 3 years so I pretty much figured that that’s the way he likes it. Which is actually fine and I have had 3 years to become perfectly accustomed to and satisfied with a purely text-based relationship.
I was rather surprised, then, when he suddenly expressed the most urgent need to see me and asked me not once but several times how soon I could make myself available. Readers, I was forced to decline. Well, I did not exactly decline but what I did say was that my position now is unchanged from 15 months ago, and my position 15 months ago was that he should give me a really nice PRESENT, specifically some piece of JEWELLERY, because I have really fucking EARNED it by putting up with him all this time. He has a horrible personality, is faithless, manipulative and deliberately cruel. I only like him because I think that in at least one or two respects, specifically concerning relationships, he is smarter than I am and I observe and take lessons from him. He is good value in that way, but in every other way he is an absolute nightmare of a man and 15 months ago I strongly felt that I deserved jewellery and I still feel that.
So now we have drawn a blank. He was the most keen to see me that I have ever known him to be, for reasons that I can only guess at and do not wish to speculate upon here, and I said no. I am not going to see you if you are going to show up without jewellery and without declarations of love, because I earned those things, so no.
This is v disappointing to me because in point of fact I didn’t care two hoots about actually seeing him, I just wanted him to be available for chatting purposes every day. I was hoping and expecting that he was going to take a dark view of my increased size and order me to go to the gym, and I would have benefited from a bit of an extra push in that direction. But instead he got unexpectedly excited. Bah. What can you do.
In other surprising news, Leroy has really improved his game! I mean seriously! As you know, last week I was cross with him for being flaky and unreliable. So when I saw him, I told him exactly what I was cross about and I spelled out exactly how I wanted his behaviour to improve, in very clear terms. To my surprise, he is actually doing it! His ability to plan ahead with me has improved and his text message response times have significantly improved. Added to which, of his own accord, he is being very affectionate and forthcoming about how lucky he is to have me and how much he appreciates me. Also, the other day, he said he loved me in a way that I’m not sure was completely on purpose. D’AWWWW.
I would like to make an additional note at this point that he is an admirer of my big fat ass. This is quite surprising to me. I went to all that trouble to lose 30 pounds, then I gained most of it back, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t fit into my clothes, and yet Leroy finds me attractive and the Honcho is showing almost unprecedented approval even though I was convinced he only liked athletic women.
So there you go. Things are basically okay. I only have about 72 more hours of work hell ahead of me, then things will calm back down to acceptable levels. Leroy says he loves me. All I have to do now is bring the Honcho back from the crest of indignation where he is currently isolated and persuade him that he likes talking to me and just because I don’t want to see him doesn’t mean he has to be offended or that it’s all over.
1 Love point. Make that 2 points, why the fuck not.
Daddy’s Favourite: I Feel Good Things For You (1998)