I am huge. It is my own fault. I knew quite well what I was doing when I ate 2 iced Christmas cakes, at least 3 miniature Christmas puddings, 2 packs of cookies, 2 boxes of chocolate cakes, a family size box of Maltesers, several plates of sausages and chips with mayonnaise, some coconut ice, a chocolate orange, mince pies, sausage rolls and several more items that I do not care to remember or list. I certainly had a good Christmas, of that there can be no doubt. It is hardly a surprise that I’m now the size of a buffalo.
I am alternating between being extremely concerned about it and not worrying that much. I know what to do and how to fix it. Firstly I need to stop eating Christmas treats and get back on a normal diet, which the arrival of January has taken care of; I am back in a work routine and there is no Christmas cake left (thank god). Secondly, I need lots of exercise, which is something I’ve been trying to do in between bouts of flu followed by a cold. I don’t lack motivation. From yesterday evening I felt as though my cold was abating so last night I went out and marched around for 2 hours and today I did my full three-hour route which is something over 10 miles. Look how muddy I got. There is the evidence of my effort.
When I got home I observed that I had not immediately lost 30 pounds so when I am dating boys I will just have to dress as carefully as possible and act confident. I draw your attention to these contrasting pictures of Lena Dunham. This is Lena as she is generally known, in character as Hannah Horvath.
And here she is in Vogue. So I am going to try and dress at the Vogue end of things, do careful make-up and see my hairdresser as soon as possible. I really need a haircut.
So, dating news. Things are a bit all over the place. I wasn’t seeing as much of Leroy over Christmas as I wanted to, so I reinstated my online dating account, and took the view that probably nothing would come of it for a good long time because you only meet interesting people there once in a while. I only just met Leroy, in November, so I thought it would be probably March before anyone interesting showed up. For a while, this held true. I was starting to take the view that Leroy and I were probably done with each other already, based on the evidence of his not being here, and my low expectations of what the dating site had to offer were a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then, things started happening.
- Interesting guys started talking to me on the dating site, several of them. Hot, intelligent, alert, high-achieving guys, the kind I like. I suddenly find that I am a bit spoilt for choice. In particular, there is a highly intelligent and successful film director who is showing a real interest that goes beyond physical attraction and we start talking a lot, as in real conversation, not just flirting.
- Then, just as I was starting to establish the beginnings of a connection with this guy, and identify a couple of worthwhile rivals amongst the many other guys who are writing to me, Leroy appears back on the scene. I express surprise and some dismay because I thought he broke up with me and was just too chicken to say so, but he insists I am wrong and explains himself and there is an emotional reunion. Very emotional, in fact. I didn’t know how much I liked him until the emotional reunion happened. Apparently I really like him a whole lot. I just didn’t realise. Emotional things are said, on both sides.
- I panic because I am suddenly out of my depth emotionally, so I look up the Head Honcho, not having spoken with him for 6 months, and ask him if I can return to his frosty and largely imaginary embrace, should the need arise, and he says yes. I feel momentarily safer and more grounded.
- Then, just to add a final layer of confusion, Blondie surfaces. I summoned him, but I forgot. I’ve requested his company and then changed my mind and sent him away SO MANY times. A whole bunch of times in October, November and December. Then I summoned him again when I was missing Leroy, then I forgot about him again because I am shallow, and now he is suddenly back in London from Canada (he is Canadian) and wants to get together, like I said I wanted to. This has been going on for two years. I treat him as badly as the Honcho treats me.
So there you go. I need to spend some more time in the gym. That’s all I know. 2 Health points.
Lily Allen: L8 Cmmr
He’s going nowhere til this fat lady sings.