Love, exercise, all those kinds of things.

I am huge. It is my own fault. I knew quite well what I was doing when I ate 2 iced Christmas cakes, at least 3 miniature Christmas puddings, 2 packs of cookies, 2 boxes of chocolate cakes, a family size box of Maltesers, several plates of sausages and chips with mayonnaise, some coconut ice, a chocolate orange, mince pies, sausage rolls and several more items that I do not care to remember or list. I certainly had a good Christmas, of that there can be no doubt. It is hardly a surprise that I’m now the size of a buffalo.

buffalo-in-the-house

I am alternating between being extremely concerned about it and not worrying that much. I know what to do and how to fix it. Firstly I need to stop eating Christmas treats and get back on a normal diet, which the arrival of January has taken care of; I am back in a work routine and there is no Christmas cake left (thank god). Secondly, I need lots of exercise, which is something I’ve been trying to do in between bouts of flu followed by a cold. I don’t lack motivation. From yesterday evening I felt as though my cold was abating so last night I went out and marched around for 2 hours and today I did my full three-hour route which is something over 10 miles. Look how muddy I got. There is the evidence of my effort.

muddy

When I got home I observed that I had not immediately lost 30 pounds so when I am dating boys I will just have to dress as carefully as possible and act confident. I draw your attention to these contrasting pictures of Lena Dunham. This is Lena as she is generally known, in character as Hannah Horvath.

lena bikini

And here she is in Vogue. So I am going to try and dress at the Vogue end of things, do careful make-up and see my hairdresser as soon as possible. I really need a haircut.

lena vogue

So, dating news. Things are a bit all over the place. I wasn’t seeing as much of Leroy over Christmas as I wanted to, so I reinstated my online dating account, and took the view that probably nothing would come of it for a good long time because you only meet interesting people there once in a while. I only just met Leroy, in November, so I thought it would be probably March before anyone interesting showed up. For a while, this held true. I was starting to take the view that Leroy and I were probably done with each other already, based on the evidence of his not being here, and my low expectations of what the dating site had to offer were a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then, things started happening.

  • Interesting guys started talking to me on the dating site, several of them. Hot, intelligent, alert, high-achieving guys, the kind I like. I suddenly find that I am a bit spoilt for choice. In particular, there is a highly intelligent and successful film director who is showing a real interest that goes beyond physical attraction and we start talking a lot, as in real conversation, not just flirting.
  • Then, just as I was starting to establish the beginnings of a connection with this guy, and identify a couple of worthwhile rivals amongst the many other guys who are writing to me, Leroy appears back on the scene. I express surprise and some dismay because I thought he broke up with me and was just too chicken to say so, but he insists I am wrong and explains himself and there is an emotional reunion. Very emotional, in fact. I didn’t know how much I liked him until the emotional reunion happened. Apparently I really like him a whole lot. I just didn’t realise. Emotional things are said, on both sides.
  • I panic because I am suddenly out of my depth emotionally, so I look up the Head Honcho, not having spoken with him for 6 months, and ask him if I can return to his frosty and largely imaginary embrace, should the need arise, and he says yes. I feel momentarily safer and more grounded.
  • Then, just to add a final layer of confusion, Blondie surfaces. I summoned him, but I forgot. I’ve requested his company and then changed my mind and sent him away SO MANY times. A whole bunch of times in October, November and December. Then I summoned him again when I was missing Leroy, then I forgot about him again because I am shallow, and now he is suddenly back in London from Canada (he is Canadian) and wants to get together, like I said I wanted to. This has been going on for two years. I treat him as badly as the Honcho treats me.

So there you go. I need to spend some more time in the gym. That’s all I know. 2 Health points.

Lily Allen: L8 Cmmr

He’s going nowhere til this fat lady sings.

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