Month: January 2015

Love, old and new.

Work continues to be ridiculous. I am at work now, at 9.30 at night, I have a few more hours ahead of me, then I have to get up at 5am to travel to meetings on the other side of the country. It is fairly horrible. I am mildly exasperated with the document I am writing. It should be over by Friday and I look forward to a better week next week that will hopefully include some gym. Now let us speak of other things.

Old Love

So, as you know, I asked the Honcho if he would take me back, not that this really means a whole lot as I haven’t actually seen him since January 2012. I confessed to him exactly how fat I am (over 160 pounds today) and at first he disapproved but then he unexpectedly came round to the idea and decided it was a good thing. That’s when things took an interesting turn. You see, when I asked him to ‘take me back’, all I meant by this was that I wanted to get back into our familiar routine of daily email- and text-based conversations, flirting, unfulfilled desire and opportunities for me to be in love with him in a way that entails no real-life commitment or inconvenience. I thought he would be up for that because, as mentioned, he’s persistently avoided being in the same room with me for 3 years so I pretty much figured that that’s the way he likes it. Which is actually fine and I have had 3 years to become perfectly accustomed to and satisfied with a purely text-based relationship.

I was rather surprised, then, when he suddenly expressed the most urgent need to see me and asked me not once but several times how soon I could make myself available. Readers, I was forced to decline. Well, I did not exactly decline but what I did say was that my position now is unchanged from 15 months ago, and my position 15 months ago was that he should give me a really nice PRESENT, specifically some piece of JEWELLERY, because I have really fucking EARNED it by putting up with him all this time. He has a horrible personality, is faithless, manipulative and deliberately cruel. I only like him because I think that in at least one or two respects, specifically concerning relationships, he is smarter than I am and I observe and take lessons from him. He is good value in that way, but in every other way he is an absolute nightmare of a man and 15 months ago I strongly felt that I deserved jewellery and I still feel that.

So now we have drawn a blank. He was the most keen to see me that I have ever known him to be, for reasons that I can only guess at and do not wish to speculate upon here, and I said no. I am not going to see you if you are going to show up without jewellery and without declarations of love, because I earned those things, so no.

This is v disappointing to me because in point of fact I didn’t care two hoots about actually seeing him, I just wanted him to be available for chatting purposes every day. I was hoping and expecting that he was going to take a dark view of my increased size and order me to go to the gym, and I would have benefited from a bit of an extra push in that direction. But instead he got unexpectedly excited. Bah. What can you do.

New Love

In other surprising news, Leroy has really improved his game! I mean seriously! As you know, last week I was cross with him for being flaky and unreliable. So when I saw him, I told him exactly what I was cross about and I spelled out exactly how I wanted his behaviour to improve, in very clear terms. To my surprise, he is actually doing it! His ability to plan ahead with me has improved and his text message response times have significantly improved. Added to which, of his own accord, he is being very affectionate and forthcoming about how lucky he is to have me and how much he appreciates me. Also, the other day, he said he loved me in a way that I’m not sure was completely on purpose. D’AWWWW.

I would like to make an additional note at this point that he is an admirer of my big fat ass. This is quite surprising to me. I went to all that trouble to lose 30 pounds, then I gained most of it back, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t fit into my clothes, and yet Leroy finds me attractive and the Honcho is showing almost unprecedented approval even though I was convinced he only liked athletic women.

So there you go. Things are basically okay. I only have about 72 more hours of work hell ahead of me, then things will calm back down to acceptable levels. Leroy says he loves me. All I have to do now is bring the Honcho back from the crest of indignation where he is currently isolated and persuade him that he likes talking to me and just because I don’t want to see him doesn’t mean he has to be offended or that it’s all over.

1 Love point. Make that 2 points, why the fuck not.

Daddy’s Favourite: I Feel Good Things For You (1998)

Pink lilies.

The flowers are surviving well. The lilies have opened and they are pink.

pink lilies

I can’t believe it’s been a whole week since I last blogged. Let’s try and catch up. I will give you the news in brief.

I’ve been really busy with work. This is good because it keeps me awake and makes me travel around and meet new people.It uses up all my time, of course, so that the days rush past. This in turn alters how I use my time outside work. I have to choose between doing a lot of things in very short bursts, or doing one thing consistently.

Gaming. I haven’t touched my Xbox since work reopened following Christmas, it is tragic. I was starting to get into Alien Isolation and would love to do some more on it. I’ve played a little Bioshock and a little Secret World, maybe the weekend before last. I played a surprisingly enjoyable session of Sims 3 last weekend. I’m logging into my World of Warcraft garrison for about 30 seconds a day, just to send my garrison followers out doing quests in my absence.

Crafts. I have a large number of unfinished projects and set some objectives for 2015 with regard to completing some of them, so I am sewing up a sweater that has been hanging around for 2-3 years.

Diet and Fitness. We’ve had about 9 months of fail in this area of TLYW, I seem to remember giving up on exercise and turning to rich restaurant lunches and large glasses of wine right when I arrived in Chile. Right now I’m about 25 pounds heavier than I was last February. This isn’t a world crisis but it’s also not really what we are aiming for. I don’t mind having bigger boobs and a bigger bum, at all, but also I carry weight on the front of my body, on my abdomen, and on my face. In particular, I can see that my face is puffy and doesn’t look like the self-portraits that I use for online dating purposes. I’ve also been on a couple of dates where I noted that the person I was with didn’t fancy me that much, which is normally a rare turn of events. The fact is, I’ve gained weight, esp in my face, to a certain point where my market value has noticeably gone down. This means that even though dating and meeting new people is a very enjoyable hobby, I need to stop dating now and return to the gym and cut out sugar and unnecessary carbs right away, which means meal planning and thoughtful shopping and cooking. I could just come to terms with being heavier and a bit less popular and take some new, more accurate photos, but I actually would prefer to go back to the gym and lose weight and get back to where I was 9-12 months ago. I can take new photos and start dating again when I have a leaner, more muscular body to show off. So that’s why my dating career is over for the time being. I don’t have a lot of free time, I have to choose between gym OR dating, and the only sensible choice is gym.

Home Improvements. This is going to have to wait for a while. The windows have been replaced so we will survive the winter.

Brownie Achievement Badges. Almost miraculously, I am squeezing in some reading in support of the Classic Literature badge. I will write about this when I’ve reached the end of the book I’m currently on.

Dating. OK well, when we have to get serious about time management, dating takes a hit. It is not the Christmas holidays any more. I do not have unlimited amounts of free time on my hands to spend on boys. Gym needs to come first until I’ve shed this excess weight, so several weeks. That is why I’ve reluctantly suspended my online dating profile even though the actual dating situation over here is a bit shabby. Leroy is being flaky and unreliable. He is good at making excuses and being charming but my patience for that has run out now. I don’t see this situation improving and I am losing interest in him, even though I would prefer to have some sort of regular sex life, and when we do have sex, it is great. I am building up to a confession here, readers. In light of the fact that Leroy and I are coming apart at the seams, I don’t have any other romantic interest going on, and that I need to spend the next 3 months in the gym instead of going out to restaurants in high heels, I disturbed the Honcho, explained the situation and asked him to take me back for a while. Because he can’t see what I look like, and with a bit of luck he will keep me company while I am in the gym for the next 100 days. He is not a man for turning me away, so he didn’t turn me away.

And that’s all the news. Time to stop being a buffalo. I need to clean my house this evening because (a) it is filthy and chaotic after a week of heavy workload, and (b) I have a pack of new ear plugs around here somewhere, and when I find them, I can start swimming again.

Flowers, Art

Leroy came over and brought flowers ❤

winter flowers

I think we are back on track. I spelled out how I need him to behave. Let’s see if he can do it. I hope so, because I really like him. He seems keen to make a success of things.

This evening I fulfilled a pre-existing social engagement by going to see the Moroni exhibition at the Royal Academy with a rather handsome and intelligent film-maker. Whether I will see him again, I can’t say. We got along really well and had a lively discussion but I’m not sure how much he ultimately fancied me and I would kind of prefer to pursue things with Leroy if we can make it work, I’m just dating as a form of insurance in case we can’t. Anyway, I’m sure this guy will call me if he is that interested. The Moroni exhibition is great, he was a 16th century Italian painter and the exhibition is mainly portraits, he is really good at faces, capturing moods and also he is brilliant at painting textiles and jewellery.

The woman in this portrait was a celebrated poet who wrote in three languages. Although she’s opulently dressed, this is also a somewhat modest way to represent her, because she appears in the garb of a wife and there are no props or symbols in the picture that draw attention to her literary achievements. I love her knowing expression and her ridiculous, fluffy, pink-and-blue accessory that to me conveys a deep sense of fun and humour. I can’t help noticing she’s also quite thick in the waist. She reminds me of me, but 500 years ago and with nicer clothes and better poetry.

Portrait of Isotta Brembati Grumelli, ca. 1550

isotta brembati

This portrait, commonly known as The Gentleman in Pink, is of a 24-year-old on the occasion of his wedding, which accounts for both the resplendent finery of his dress and his sheepish expression. I love this picture, it really makes me laugh. I have dated guys who look like this. Perhaps not in that exact outfit, which is a shame, when you come to think of it.

Portrait of Gian Gerolamo Grumelli, ca. 1560

man pink

1 Art point. Giovanni Battista Moroni is on at the Royal Academy until 25 January.

Windows, dating news.

The last of the windows were replaced today, fulfilling a major household objective. That’s all the windows done now.

last windows

Leroy is expected tomorrow. When I see him, it is my job to spell out exactly how I want him to behave, going forward, so that there are no misunderstandings and we can enjoy each other and not argue. I had better give it some thought, I suppose. So I can be specific about what I want him to do.

1 Home point.

You better think about what you saying. You better think about the consequences of your actions.

Aretha Franklin (The Blues Brothers): Think

Look at my nails.

Blondie came over on Friday evening and cooked! I wasn’t expecting that. He brought steak and cooked it and served it with salad and potatoes (that I nearly ruined by not taking them out of the packaging before putting them in the oven) and also a bottle of Merlot. It was nice. We had a good time.

Then earlier this evening I went out on a first date with another guy who doesn’t have a name yet. Let’s call him Rajive. He is a businessman and is very polite. We had dinner together and he was funny, highly intelligent and immaculately dressed.

Then, when it was past midnight, I received the world’s longest text message from Leroy, in which he begged me to give him another chance. I felt angry. I have a big crush on Leroy in a way that I am probably never going to crush on Blondie or Rajive but he has not been making me his number one priority in recent weeks. I consulted my internet girlfriends and after extensive debate the jury eventually came down in favour of giving him another chance. I am so cross with him. I sent him back a bunch of text messages in which I yelled at him and told him that it is his job and not mine to find some way of repairing the relationship, because I am not the one that broke it. So we’ll see. I didn’t feel like being nice to him, so I wasn’t nice to him. If I were him, I would start sending me flowers. I would have an Interflora delivery van on my doorstep tomorrow morning.

While the Internet Girlfriends were discussing all the details of Leroy’s long text message and what it all meant, I did my nails and now they have little slices of fruit glued to them as you see here. Which is a new thing, isn’t it. I wonder how long they will last.

right hand

left hand

Painting the kitchen floor for a reason.

You know me. As much as I would love to be self-starting and self-motivating, the reality is that most of the time I won’t take action unless there’s some kind of external factor prompting me, usually something to do with boys.

I broke up with Leroy. I loved him quite a lot considering we only just met, but he is a big liar and a fake so we are done with each other. In the kind of reactive move that I like, I immediately booked appointments with my hairdresser, dentist and Botox doctor. Then I called for the Honcho, but he was out, as we used to say in the 1970s. Then I texted Blondie and told him he could come over on Friday. Then I realised that his flat is probably a lot more swank than mine, so I painted the kitchen floor.

kitchen floor

While I was in the middle of painting the floor, a friend of mine who is himself a bit prone to weight gain, called round and told me that I was looking the sexiest he has ever seen me. This made me well happy as I am 25 pounds heavier than I should be and I was feeling deeply unattractive and kind of embarrassed. So the fact that he would say that and ogle my tits even though I was just wearing an old t shirt and my fat girl jeans fairly cheered me up. Made me feel a bit more optimistic that Blondie isn’t going to run screaming when he comes round tomorrow.

You will note that I did not move the furniture before painting the floor, because fuck that, I just painted round it. Nor did I bother painting behind the door, because fuck that as well. 1 Home point anyway.

Next time it needs doing, I am thinking of throwing some glitter in with the paint. I feel that it would give the kitchen more personality.

Love, exercise, all those kinds of things.

I am huge. It is my own fault. I knew quite well what I was doing when I ate 2 iced Christmas cakes, at least 3 miniature Christmas puddings, 2 packs of cookies, 2 boxes of chocolate cakes, a family size box of Maltesers, several plates of sausages and chips with mayonnaise, some coconut ice, a chocolate orange, mince pies, sausage rolls and several more items that I do not care to remember or list. I certainly had a good Christmas, of that there can be no doubt. It is hardly a surprise that I’m now the size of a buffalo.

buffalo-in-the-house

I am alternating between being extremely concerned about it and not worrying that much. I know what to do and how to fix it. Firstly I need to stop eating Christmas treats and get back on a normal diet, which the arrival of January has taken care of; I am back in a work routine and there is no Christmas cake left (thank god). Secondly, I need lots of exercise, which is something I’ve been trying to do in between bouts of flu followed by a cold. I don’t lack motivation. From yesterday evening I felt as though my cold was abating so last night I went out and marched around for 2 hours and today I did my full three-hour route which is something over 10 miles. Look how muddy I got. There is the evidence of my effort.

muddy

When I got home I observed that I had not immediately lost 30 pounds so when I am dating boys I will just have to dress as carefully as possible and act confident. I draw your attention to these contrasting pictures of Lena Dunham. This is Lena as she is generally known, in character as Hannah Horvath.

lena bikini

And here she is in Vogue. So I am going to try and dress at the Vogue end of things, do careful make-up and see my hairdresser as soon as possible. I really need a haircut.

lena vogue

So, dating news. Things are a bit all over the place. I wasn’t seeing as much of Leroy over Christmas as I wanted to, so I reinstated my online dating account, and took the view that probably nothing would come of it for a good long time because you only meet interesting people there once in a while. I only just met Leroy, in November, so I thought it would be probably March before anyone interesting showed up. For a while, this held true. I was starting to take the view that Leroy and I were probably done with each other already, based on the evidence of his not being here, and my low expectations of what the dating site had to offer were a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then, things started happening.

  • Interesting guys started talking to me on the dating site, several of them. Hot, intelligent, alert, high-achieving guys, the kind I like. I suddenly find that I am a bit spoilt for choice. In particular, there is a highly intelligent and successful film director who is showing a real interest that goes beyond physical attraction and we start talking a lot, as in real conversation, not just flirting.
  • Then, just as I was starting to establish the beginnings of a connection with this guy, and identify a couple of worthwhile rivals amongst the many other guys who are writing to me, Leroy appears back on the scene. I express surprise and some dismay because I thought he broke up with me and was just too chicken to say so, but he insists I am wrong and explains himself and there is an emotional reunion. Very emotional, in fact. I didn’t know how much I liked him until the emotional reunion happened. Apparently I really like him a whole lot. I just didn’t realise. Emotional things are said, on both sides.
  • I panic because I am suddenly out of my depth emotionally, so I look up the Head Honcho, not having spoken with him for 6 months, and ask him if I can return to his frosty and largely imaginary embrace, should the need arise, and he says yes. I feel momentarily safer and more grounded.
  • Then, just to add a final layer of confusion, Blondie surfaces. I summoned him, but I forgot. I’ve requested his company and then changed my mind and sent him away SO MANY times. A whole bunch of times in October, November and December. Then I summoned him again when I was missing Leroy, then I forgot about him again because I am shallow, and now he is suddenly back in London from Canada (he is Canadian) and wants to get together, like I said I wanted to. This has been going on for two years. I treat him as badly as the Honcho treats me.

So there you go. I need to spend some more time in the gym. That’s all I know. 2 Health points.

Lily Allen: L8 Cmmr

He’s going nowhere til this fat lady sings.