Month: November 2014

Leroy.

That’s me all partnered up, then.

I don’t know where to start. Perhaps I should start at the end, where he went home this morning and within the hour had cancelled his online dating account, so fast that I didn’t even have time to download his photos.

Or maybe the part just before the end where he told me he was going to do this because now he’s met me he has no interest in meeting anyone else.

Or maybe the part before that, the part where he kept me up all night, telling me how beautiful I am and giving me a good aerobic workout that didn’t end until I begged for mercy. The part where he displayed a mighty strong personality and an unbreakable core of self-determination that means that, despite a 22-year age gap, I can be as alpha as I want without intimidating him or diluting him. He is quite something. He is not afraid of me.

He is very unusual, and I say that as someone who dates a lot of younger guys. He has a really powerful sense of himself and he folded me into his arms like a kindred spirit and called me his sister. I love him already. I really do. He makes me feel great about myself, even though I’m now 20 or 25 pounds heavier than I should be. We find each other extremely hot (he’s gorgeous, fit and firm and is the golden brown colour of autumn leaves, what’s not to like) and we achieved a beautiful understanding within a few hours of being alone together, where I speak to him as though he is my equal – how often does that happen – and we are completely transparent with each other.

We made all kinds of plans together. We like a whole bunch of the same things. We are already planning trips away together. He not only likes the same music as me, he even knows some of the artists. He can box – his uncle, who I will not name-drop, is a world-famous boxer that you would have heard of even if you don’t know anything about boxing. He is entrepreneurial and likes to talk about business. He’s competent – he and Charlie are not even on the same planet. He doesn’t need me to tell him what to do; he knows already, he’s on the case, he’s quite likely to try telling me what to do. He’s young but he is a real man. I am excited. I am smiling all over my face this afternoon and I can’t wait for him to return.

Snoop Dogg: Who Am I (What’s My Name)

My Party.

My house looks lovely and I am only sad it is not closer to Xmas, otherwise my Xmas tree would be up by now. I am having a very small party this evening with just one guest.

– Pretty much the whole house is clean, I should just go and double-check the bathrooms.

– The floors have been mopped.

– There is a new pot plant on my dining table, a poinsettia as it happens, I got it in Homebase just now when I was buying the mop.

– The rubbish has been taken out. There was dusting. Unsightly objects have been hidden.

– I’m about to put in a load of laundry so that the lid will once again fit on the laundry basket.

– There is food for tonight’s dinner in my very clean fridge, also food for breakfast.

– I have cocktail ingredients and remembered to get a new bag of ice cubes as well as lemons, etc.

– I’m on schedule for getting a shower and putting on make-up.

– Leroy is expected in just under two hours.

I am so having a Home point for this. My house has rarely looked better except for maybe that one time that I painted the kitchen floor because I thought the Head Honcho was coming over. 1 Home point.

poinsettia

Nat King Cole: That Christmas Song

In which I am kissed, despite being enormously overweight.

OK, so my body is doing strange things that I don’t understand. I more or less instantly regained the three pounds that I lost, despite the fact that I am hardly eating because I am afraid to eat. Even more frighteningly, the most surreal thing happened when I was getting ready to go out this evening. There is a pair of boots that I wore only two days ago when I was out photographing Piccadilly Circus. Tried to put them on tonight and they wouldn’t zip up. Like, not even close. Apparently my calves gained two inches of girth in 48 hours. How is this even possible?!! Why is it happening?!! I was absolutely shocked and appalled. I put on the roomiest of the three dresses that I just bought from American Apparel and a different pair of boots and headed out, feeling like Tank Girl, with the emphasis on Tank and not so much on Girl. Also I had wet hair and my nail varnish was chipped and it just wasn’t good.

The reason this mattered and the reason I was heading out was because I had a date. His name is Leroy. He is 26 and an ambitious young entrepreneur and very handsome, all these things being apparent from the dating website where I found him. I tried to make the best of my appearance but I did not feel at all confident when I was waiting for him at the tube station. When he arrived, he was just as good looking as his photos and I was actually surprised when he smiled at me and didn’t turn around and get back on the train.

Then we went for dinner (sashimi, tofu, miso soup, very good), which I needed as I hadn’t eaten all day, and we talked business, which is something I can do with great charm and skill, and he was suitably impressed and said he could listen to me for ever. Then we bumped into two friends of mine so we sat with them for a while and he showed off his social skills. He is very personable, chatty, confident, very warm and being so handsome does him no harm as well. It was great. The female half of the two friends nodded and winked at me in a meaningful way, the precise meaning being that she recognised that I had landed rather a good catch.

Then Leroy and I left the restaurant and I didn’t ask him back to my place because I am a lady, also it is a pigsty because decluttering makes your house worse before it gets better. At least my fridge is clean, but still. We decided that we do want to see each other again, as soon as possible, and determined that that means Saturday night.

We hugged. I said, ‘I fancy you quite a lot, if you didn’t know’, because I felt that this needed establishing. He said ‘Me too, I fancy you massively’. Then we kissed, properly, in the romantic light of the grocery store that we were standing outside, and then we kissed again and then he went to the tube station and I went home.

So that’s me. I am smiling right now. He is coming to my place on Saturday night and I don’t think he’ll be going home until Sunday, so I guess he must like fat girls.

… okay, he is texting me right now. I am excited and I cannot lie. We really have the hots for each other.

Rufus ft. Chaka Khan: Sweet Thing (1975)

Fridge

I’ve just pulled a piece of ice the size of my head off the back wall of my fridge. It was like a re-enactment of Moby Dick (I am on chapter 52).

I’ve never defrosted my fridge before, hence the iceberg. It needed doing, as it was filthy. More importantly, it is part of a chain of events that culminates in my windows being replaced at the start of January. It goes like this:

– Early January: windows replaced. They are all being done on the same day, at least, that is the plan, so therefore I need to create the maximum possible amount of space in my tightly-crammed flat for the work to take place.

– Immediately prior to that, Xmas. I have plans for Xmas and I most definitely do NOT plan to spend my precious Xmas holiday doing housework.

– Therefore extreme and final Decluttering needs to happen before Xmas. It is already 27th November. Every single unwanted and unnecessary item of junk needs to be well and truly out of my house before December 19th.

– And where there is decluttering, there is cleaning, which is why I’ve just cleaned my fridge in a way that it’s never been cleaned before.

1 Home point. This place is going to be a pristine vessel of declutteredness by Xmas, aye, shipmates.

Christmas Lights in London.

Do you want to see some of the Christmas lights from around London? I’ve obviously been out and about the last couple of evenings and had my phone with me.

Piccadilly.

piccadilly 1

piccadilly 2

Tree outside St James’s church. It’s a 17th-century church, I should probably go and take photos in daylight some time.

st james tree

Big red lanterns in Chinatown.

chinatown

Camden. I shot a short video of these illuminated trees so you can see the dropping icicle effect. Nice.

Fashion Notes: American Apparel

There has been one more element of shopping, mainly driven by the fact that I physically cannot fit into any of my clothes. As long-time readers know, I buy clothes very infrequently. About every 18 months to 2 years. I just did a search of the blog for fashion and it looks like the last time I bought any clothes was in July 2013, and that was all sportswear. The last time I bought work clothes and date wear, that is, everyday clothes that can be worn outside of the gym, was December 2012. So I was about due for some sort of wardrobe update anyway, but the more so because right now I am as fat as hell, I look terrible in the clingy and fitted dresses that I usually wear, and I am starting to date again.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. I am starting to date again. Even though I am the size of a house and too embarrassed to see Blondie or Socrates, who know what I look like slim. In fact, I went on a date last night with a very nice man (who was not relationship material, but still lovely) and I was nearly in tears trying to find something to wear until I eventually dug out of my wardrobe a completely shapeless gold dress and slung on a loose-fitting lime green mohair jumper over the top. It was such a relief. I found a pair of stretchy tights that didn’t dig into my middle too much and it was the most comfortable I’ve been for weeks in any outfit that wasn’t pyjamas or tracksuit bottoms.

That settled it. I can’t have any more days out of the house where I’m walking around in physical and mental pain because my clothes don’t fit me. I knew what I needed. I needed a couple of generously-proportioned work shirts, and I needed some dresses with absolutely no waist so that I have room to breathe while I’m waiting for my excess weight to come off. I didn’t know where I was going to obtain these items, but I knew that shapeless dresses with no waist was what I required.

Then I found myself in Camden this evening, arriving rather early to meet my friend J (for which I scored 1 Friends point). With 20 minutes to kill before our restaurant table would be available, I tried to go to Superdrug to buy mouthwash, found it was closing, and diverted into the still-open store next door, which turned out to be American Apparel. And guess what they had in stock. That’s right. Big shirts and shapeless dresses. Want a few photos? Yes, you do.

OK, so in this first picture you can see the items I brought home with me from the store. Two shirts, three dresses, a jumper and a cardigan. The canvas boxing boots on the right aren’t from American Apparel, they were from Fashion Shoe Shop on Amazon a few weeks ago, for the ridiculously low price of £10. As you can see, I have white boots and black boots and the Fashion Shoe Shop was kind enough to send me a variety of coloured laces. I’m going to put white laces in the black boots. Let’s take a closer look at the clothes.

aa clothes 1

Two over-sized shirts that will be great for work. They are slightly translucent which makes wearing a giant shirt a bit more stylish and I can wear a camisole or something underneath. Will be good with a long skirt or a pair of smart trousers. Handily, I already have some black wool business trousers in a large size.

aa shirts

A red floral dress and a red mohair cardigan. This dress is roomy and so comfortable. It is also quite short and therefore is not suitable for business meetings but will be great for dates and I can wear it with the black canvas boots to punk it up a bit and make it slightly less girly. It is really cute. If you do up the buttons on the cardigan then the bottom part of the dress flares out like a flirty little skirt.

aa red dress

A similarly-shaped loose-fitting dress in black and white that’s going to look nice with this blue jumper and either pair of boots. Again, short, but that’s okay because I do have good legs.

Excuse the grotty paintwork, I took these photos in the hall because it is the part of the house that has the strongest light after nightfall, and it is waiting to be redecorated, but I am not painting the walls and woodwork until after I have had all the windows replaced in the new year.

aa dress bw

The other dress. This one is even MORE shapeless and the style is very accurately called ‘a tent dress’ by American Apparel, who seem to be going out of their way to make customers feel okay about being fat. It couldn’t be any more roomy, even on me, and it looks nice under the blue jumper and with the white boots.

aa tent dress 1

aa tent dress 2

That dress is such a simple shape, if I could learn to sew, I could make a whole bunch of them for practically nothing, and when my Home Improvements are all done, in a few months, perhaps by spring, I will have a whole entire room for crafts, and then we will really see some sewing action.

So that’s great and I have three dresses there that will do quite nicely for dates and smart-casual social occasions like when I was meeting my friend tonight. Because they are all quite short, there are two final dresses that are longer that I am having delivered and that are most definitely for business occasions. They will be great with more formal, leather boots, a blazer and a smart handbag. I don’t have them yet, of course, so here are the pictures from the website.

Black dress.

aa long dress black 2

Print dress.

aa print dress

And that’s all the fashion news. So that’s me all sorted for work and dating purposes, and I can be pretty much as fat as I need to be, until I’m not fat any more.

In which we swap the cooker hood for something MUCH BETTER.

It’s official. Grand Theft Auto V is officially the UK’s best-selling game of all time.

gta 5

I don’t usually argue with numbers like that. But wait. Before we get too excited about GTA V, as magnificent as it may be. As you know, I have been wild-eyed with excitement since learning that GTA IV: San Andreas has just been remastered for the Xbox 360. This is my very last chance to play San Andreas as it will not be released a third time, and I will commit ritual suicide out of regret if I let it pass me by.

THAT’S WHEN I GOT A REFUND ON MY COOKER HOOD.

Oh yeah, baby. Fuck yeah. I don’t know what I was even thinking, buying a cooker hood in the first place. I called the kitchen appliances company, told them the appalling tale of knowhow.com who did nothing but come to my house, drill a hole in my kitchen cupboards and then depart again, leaving the cooker hood in its original packaging, and when they realised I wasn’t going to demand that they pay for repairing my cupboards, they straight away agreed to refund me for the hood and the (much more expensive) installation fee, and sent me email confirmation to that effect.

You know how much money that came to? A lot. In fact, it was well in excess of the amount that it’s just cost me to buy a brand new Xbox 360 on Amazon, that, by the way, comes packaged with GTA V, plus Halo 4 and Gears of War: Judgement.

It’s being delivered tomorrow evening and I have someone who knows more about console gaming than I do coming over to help me set it up at the weekend because I need to hook it up to a monitor in a way that might need a special cable and then I need to download San Andreas and play that before I even take a look at GTA 5. I am so excited, I literally cannot even.

That’s it. That’s my Christmas sorted, I am staying indoors and gaming for two weeks. That Is It.