In which I decide to stop taking drugs.

Right, that’s it. I’ve had enough of the happy pills now. I cut down to 20mg as of yesterday and I will cut down to zero in the next 4-6 weeks.

Points for the happy pills:

  • They very quickly relieved me of an enormous amount of anxiety that I didn’t know I had.
  • I eventually felt less depressed.

Reasons why it is time to stop now:

  • The immediate causes of my extreme anxiety are no longer quite so immediate. Life is less traumatising than it was in April and May. Also less depressing.
  • I am tired of being sedated. It is good to be free from anxiety but you can have too much of a good thing. I have no physical energy and I really, really struggle with the motivation to do anything. I do not think I am going to return to normal levels of productivity until I get some nervous energy back. I don’t want to sit on my arse all day long, feeling dopey, I’m tired of it. I missed the whole summer. Because I’m not moving around, I’m steadily gaining weight. I’m 150 pounds today and that is way, way too much, considering how much effort it took me to lose weight the last time. I want to go back to the gym and I need to get my butt off my chair to be able to do that.
  • Unwanted and persistent side effects: headaches, muscle tension in the jaw and neck. Had enough of it now. Is becoming a quality of life issue.
  • The artificially manufactured happiness isn’t quite happy enough to make it worth it. If I were a lot happier, like really noticeably happy, I would endure the headaches, weight gain and sedation as an acceptable trade-off. But it’s not really all that impressive a drug. I think there is a reason why this particular product isn’t being sold on the black market. People would complain.
  • I would like to be able to start having orgasms normally again. Also a more normal sex drive would be good.

It’s almost October, isn’t it, and I promised myself that we would have a TLYW Oktoberfest, so that’s what we’ll try to do and hopefully I’ll rack up lots of Achievement points. Speaking of which, I’ve done reasonably well over the last couple of days. I have done 3 walks, 1 visit to the dentist and I even did one evening of Chinese, with a bit of encouragement from Charlie. So that’s 5 points all together.

Things are still going well with Charlie and also I am seeing Socrates tomorrow, which will be lovely, so I am well provided for.

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