Progress Report (TMI warning: sex toys, periods).

Wow, I can’t believe it’s a whole week since I last blogged. It is Week 5, Day 5 of the happy pills. Progress is rather slow. I can feel the pills working, I’m so much better and less anxious than I was five weeks ago, I can see that. I don’t feel constantly strung out and ready to have a meltdown. I’m also starting to be less sleepy, which has been the most problematic side effect of these drugs. On the other hand, I’m very low on physical energy. I had a big, heavy work day on Thursday where I had to travel to another city, to a client’s office and deliver a sparkling workshop to a large audience and this I accomplished with my usual style and panache, but then after that I was practically catatonic on Friday and Saturday and couldn’t move out of my chair. The fact that I’m even blogging is something of an achievement. I do feel slightly more energetic today. I have some office work to do that is left over from Friday so I am going to procrastinate by cleaning my house because all I’ve done for a month is drop clothes on the floor and strew my belongings in all the wrong places around the house.

I don’t feel awful but I feel like I’m in suspended animation. I’m not experiencing huge amounts of mental anguish, but I’m not doing anything. I feel like I’m waiting for something but I’m not sure what. Maybe just to rediscover that spark of vitality.

My sex drive is starting to come back and I’m so glad of that. So happy about that. My physical functioning is also starting to return. I managed to have three orgasms in the last week, with a lot of patience and with the help of the largest, most powerful vibrator (by far) that I’ve ever owned. It plugs into the wall and is so powerful that you could use it to drill holes in the street. I will never be able to show it to anyone who I invite over here unless they are very experienced because it is a monster, it is over a foot long and weighs as much as my head. Even I was shocked when I opened the packaging. I wasn’t expecting anything that big. But it works, and none of my other toys, not even my Lelo, is hitting the spot right now so as far as I am concerned it is money well spent.

Can we talk about periods for a minute? Popular consensus among users of this particular drug is that the manufacturers don’t know the difference between ‘common’, ‘rare’ and ‘very rare’ side effects. One allegedly ‘very rare’ side effect that I wasn’t expecting is that my period has gone missing. I have always had a very regular cycle. When I was very young, it was about five weeks. Through most of my adult life it was the normal four weeks. The last two years or so, being as I am the wrong side of 45, it has shortened to three weeks but it was still regular as clockwork, enabling me to know when I needed to carry feminine hygiene products around. At the time of writing, it’s now been 6 weeks since my last period, which makes me either two or three weeks late, depending on how you look at it. It might just be late and in the post but I am starting to hope that maybe it won’t come at all. I could live with that. After 6 weeks of no period, the longest I’ve ever gone without one not counting pregnancy, I am suddenly getting a glimpse of what life must be like post-menopause, and it looks good. I hope my period stays away but of course at this point I have no way of knowing whether it will, so I have to carry tampons and things around the whole time in case it suddenly shows up in a dramatic way at an inopportune moment.

In light of my restored sex drive, partially restored physical function and inability to get out of my chair, I’ve spent some time on and off the dating website this week, chatting to boys.

Urban Kid is about to go travelling, I think we have met at slightly the wrong time, on the other hand if I see him when he comes back, he will be all the better for his experiences.

The Wing Commander. I am not sure about him. He says he wants someone else to take control but I do not think he is capable of letting them. Ask the Head Honcho if he had the same problem with me. The Commander is very keen and prone to excitability, we talked by email and text messaging via Skype a lot last week, he is very prone to making rash declarations of gallantry, I think because he has been looking for a woman who was willing to take charge for a long time. On the other hand, as someone in a senior military position he does not lack confidence and when he is not getting what he wants he is quite capable of ending the conversation and being clear about his availability. He is frustrated with me right now because I said that we will meet when I say so and not before. So we are not talking to each other this weekend because he clearly stated that he has essays to write for yet another postgraduate degree that he is working on, so I am leaving him to it. I notice this did not stop him going on the dating website and fiddling with his profile. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want this. He is high-status, well-paid, handsome, probably would make a devoted partner but I just don’t know if I want to be on the Honcho end of a battle of wills. I don’t have the energy and I don’t have enough interest. He’s older than my taste usually runs to and I am not really comfortable with the whole military thing. I can’t see myself ever attending military social events for example (he took an ex girlfriend to some military ‘ball’ last weekend, it sounded awful, I would strongly like to avoid attending events like that, thank you) so if we got into some kind of partnership, it would be awkward. I’m not cut out for being someone’s military girlfriend and if I just wanted sex, which I do, I can get it elsewhere. I think he is surprised. I read all through the questions he’s answered on the dating site and he thinks a lot of himself. Why shouldn’t he, I guess, he’s achieved a lot and has a lot of responsibility. But he rates his own attractiveness very highly, I only find him moderately attractive because I am not really keen on machismo in men of his age (in fact, I am just not really keen on men of his age, full stop) and I think he can tell. When I think of the Wing Commander and the prospects for that relationship, the phrase that comes to my mind is ‘hard work’ and I don’t want any more of that. I want to rest and relax. What I would really like to do is lie down with my head in the Honcho’s lap, ideally on a beach, but since that is not an option and there aren’t many Honchos out there, I will revert to the time-honoured practice of dating much younger guys who look gorgeous and don’t give me any trouble.

So that’s why I’m having dinner with a young French guy tomorrow. He is 26, very pretty and very compliant. I do not anticipate problems. It is only going to be the usual question of chemistry, which you can’t ultimately determine until you meet someone. But on paper, he looks good. Other prospects that the dating website has thrown my way this week include a very smily young entrepreneur (26) and a Spanish fitness trainer (23). Much more suitable and more what I am looking for. So that’s why I’m cleaning my house this afternoon, in case I get lucky.

My weight is stable at 146 pounds and that’s way heavier than the 133 pounds that I am supposed to be, on the other hand I’m not gaining anything (mainly because I’m not eating very much) and I’m within what you would call a normal weight range, even by London standards of body fascism, I’m not so heavy that I’m out of the game.

And I think that’s all the news. Shall we have a tune? It is Sunday after all and it’s important to keep up Church if nothing else.

Blackstreet: No Diggity (1996)

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