Letting Go of Anxiety

It is Day 22 of the happy pills.

Side effects of the week: sleepiness, lethargy. I am not out exercising in the rare British sunshine because it is hard to stay awake sometimes and even when I’m awake it’s hard to get out of my chair. Because I need to get on with some work, I am relying heavily on stimulants such as caffeine and sugar to keep me awake, which is really great for my teeth and also for my waistline. I weigh 150 pounds today, and although my weight is fluctuating a lot from day to day, meaning that I was 144 pounds only five days ago, I don’t want to see an upward trend.

Positive outcomes: OK, this is suddenly becoming a tangible thing. I can see my behaviour changing.

  • Spontaneously laughing at things. I will be so, so glad if we can get this back to normal levels.
  • Being capable of taking an interest in things (anything at all). OK, so physical energy is in short supply but for a couple of days now I’ve been reading a history book, which I’ll review when I’ve finished it, and finding it really absorbing. It led to reading in front of my laptop so I could stop to look up Edward III and various issues pertaining to the 14th century. Also, come to think of it, I watched a couple of silly films and a documentary set in that time period, while knitting. This is a big change. I thought I had completely burnt out the part of my brain that is capable of regarding anything as worth the mental struggle of thinking about it. What I see here is a glimpse of a re-appearing ability to invest attention and energy in things that aren’t urgent but which improve one’s quality of life.
  • Less anxiety. Less anxiety doesn’t mean less depression but it is a thing in its own right. It is not an effect of this drug that I was looking for because I didn’t know I was anxious until I started to be relieved of it, so there you go. The things you learn. So. Thoughts on anxiety.
    • I was really strung out a few weeks ago. I was really frazzled at that time, I didn’t even know how much. Now I’ve relaxed a bit, I can see how tense I was.
    • I was tense about a lot of things. Very frustrated and wound up about a bunch of things that I felt should be some other way than the way they are. I still don’t want to think about the Crime, but I can see that I’ve been very frustrated about some other things in my life, in some cases for years, the textbook case would be my ‘relationship’ with the Honcho, and I’ve been insistent that they can be and ought to be some other way, which I can control.
    • The reality is, I can’t control everything, so I might as well not ruin my life stressing about it. It won’t change anything. There are things I don’t like and situations I don’t like and those things are the way they are regardless of my preference about it. We all have to suffer disappointments in life. The only sensible thing to do is to drop it and pay attention to something else, like maybe going to the gym or seeing my friends or something. It’s my life, I’m wasting my own time being anxious and stressy about things.
    • Actions. Several times a day, check that you are breathing and check where your shoulders are. Are they hunched up around your ears? If so, say ‘let it go’, breathe out, relax. Make tea. Try to stay off the coffee and sugar.

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