On Thursday I was busy all day, facilitating and teaching on an advanced-level training course which I am relieved to report that I got through with my usual gloss of sparkle and success, despite being quite heavily sedated and more deaf than usual. Good to know I can still turn on the charm as necessary. I got home completely exhausted yet still enjoyed insomnia until 4am on Friday morning. Then I slept. For 24 hours.
That’s why I’m now up and at my laptop at four o’clock on a Saturday morning. I suddenly awoke from a long dream about the Honcho (one of this drug’s billion side effects: vivid dreams, check, I am ticking them off the list now to see if I am going to collect the whole set). I was not very happy about this, needless to say. I don’t really need the Honcho polluting my sleep as it is an absolute certainty that he is not thinking about me. I think my brain is a bit anxious about him because it looks like we really have come to the end of the line this time. There isn’t anything left between us that’s worth preserving.
The longest we’ve ever gone without speaking to each other is 8 months and I’ve just looked up when that was. It was from November 2012 until July 2013, exactly a year ago. On the one hand, something made me still want him after not speaking to each other for 8 months, which is quite a long time. On the other hand, if I’d left that situation alone like I bloody should have done, then at this point it would be 20 months since we last had anything to do with each other and I would definitely be over him. Right? Right?
Fuck this for a game of soldiers. I need to force myself to fall in love with someone new or else take more drugs. Either of those will do. Since I can’t accomplish either of those things at 4am, I am going to Azeroth to watch the sun come up.