Day 14. Fatigue.

We are on Day 14 of the happy pills. Nausea has gone. Appetite for food has returned. I’m not currently experiencing headaches. However, I am so tired, I am really struggling. I am sleeping for 10 hours at a time and I am still exhausted when I wake up. I am working this evening because I couldn’t get everything done that I needed to today. I would like to say that I have quit coffee but without coffee I don’t think I would be awake at all.

I did some searching around on the internet, as one does, for discussions of this drug. Predictably, most contributions are from people who are in their first couple of days of taking it and are freaking out because of the side effects (you can really tell the ones who’ve never taken a drug for recreational purposes). There are fewer contributions from experienced users. What experienced users generally agree on is that unwanted side effects do pass, but it takes longer than you think. A couple of months, at least. I saw one article, where I couldn’t easily verify where the data came from, but it seemed to say that about one-third of people experienced extreme fatigue during the first two months. In months 2-6 this dropped to about 23% of patients and after month 6 it dropped again to 8%. In other anecdotal contributions, a minority of people who couldn’t shrug off the tiredness either switched to a different drug or added a supplement such as Wellbutrin (apparently this also restores sexual function, which would be nice), Adderall or ProVigil to keep them awake at work.

We will see. I can hang in there for a bit longer and see what happens, I’ve endured two weeks of this already and the side effects are not nearly so bad as they were, if I could only wake up.

Is it working, in the sense of improving my mood, well it is hard to say. I look back at where I was just before I started taking it, around the time that I had that last big argument with the Honcho, and I am much less stressed now than I was then. The Crime, which was such a major and horrifying event that I would like to avoid thinking about it, seems to have receded somewhat into the distance. I still would like to avoid thinking about it in any detail but I can cautiously contemplate it for short periods of time without feeling like I’m going to have a breakdown. A simpler and safer test that I apply to my emotional state is to think about the Honcho, as there are many aspects of that situation and that relationship that I could find to be upset about, while none of them carry the same weight as the Crime. When I apply this test, what I feel is (a) rather sad that I can’t lean on him, but also recognition that he has never liked being leaned on, and (b) tired. I can’t be bothered any more, I don’t have the energy for it any more. That relationship depends for its survival on me, my life force, my hunger, my energy, my unlimited patience, my excitability, my willingness to play games. I don’t have any of those things right now so I can’t be bothered with it. There isn’t a part of my brain that is capable of getting excited about it because I’m not capable of working up the energy to be excited about anything. Is this an improvement? It kind of is. Do I feel unhappy today? On reflection, I don’t feel particularly unhappy. I just feel tired and knocked out. That’s not great but I have to admit it is better than it was.

That drug is going to break us up once and for all, isn’t it. It was not the reason why I started taking it, but it looks like it is going to be an effect. Who knew? I really loved that man and now it looks like 20mg of laboratory-manufactured serotonin reuptake inhibitor is finally going to kill it, and it is about time. I can feel my priorities starting to reorganise themselves and suddenly I’m wondering why I’ve waited around for him for so long.

I haven’t scored any points today, but if one scored points for going to work, I would have one of those.

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