I am trying so hard to do the right thing.

Of course I am waiting for the Honcho to feel like engaging in conversation, of course I am. Because I am completely emotionally dependent on him. I don’t like it too much, but it is a fact, a fact that has become very clear to me since I’ve been feeling so fragile and blue.

I am trying to do the right thing. My iPad just bleeped, telling me about new email. It was a new email in the account that I pretty much exclusively use for Honcho purposes. If you think that sent a shot of adrenaline coursing through me, you would be right, because that man is like drugs to me. Stronger drugs than you get from the doctor, quite a lot stronger, we need to kick these pills up a notch if they are going to compete.

It wasn’t from the Honcho. It was from the knitting club that I never go to, inviting me to their next meeting.

I clicked ‘Yes, I will attend’.

Are you proud of me? You should be. I am making a huge fucking effort here. I will go out and meet new people and be sociable. I will not loll around my house taking painkillers and waiting for the most capricious and least reliable person I’ve ever met in my whole life to prop me up.

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