Month: July 2014

William.

I went out to meet William, the big, smily entrepreneur (26). We went for cocktails at a smart bar. I had a hell of a time finding something to wear as I am overweight, also I have old-lady hair and I NEED Botox like OMG tomorrow. In the end I decided to organise my outfit around great legs and killer heels, so it was all okay. In fact, it was more than okay.

He was handsome, well-built, physically fit, well-dressed, socially graceful, incredibly smart and switched on, loves his career and building businesses.

He is so confident and clever. He could pass for 36 except for the incredibly fresh face that he’s attempting to hide under his quite sexy beard.

OMG.

By some miracle, he fancied fat old me. We occupied a big sofa and had raspberry cocktails and talked a lot, a lot, about business because that’s something we both like. Meanwhile, he is flirting with me and telling me I am sexy until eventually I kiss him. After that, we talked about sex and relationships for about an hour, until we had to end the date because we were having a real problem keeping our hands off each other and we were in a public place.

So that’s why there is going to be a second date, in a more private setting, we are looking at early next week.

As I write this, he is texting me pictures of himself wrapped in a towel.

I think this gives me about four days to lose ten pounds and completely spring-clean my house.

… that’s sounding quite a lot more like normal TLYW, isn’t it.

Salt ‘N’ Pepa feat. En Vogue- Whatta Man (1994)

Lord, how the flowers bloom.

It is Week 6, Day 1 of the happy pills and I can feel something like happiness seeping back into my system.

  • I found myself singing a song this morning, not for very long, but there was definitely singing.
  • I walked to my office and back again and enjoyed the sunshine (1 Health point, as it is a 40-minute walk).
  • As I was walking, I noticed how attractive the general public suddenly looked, esp the runners with their muscular legs.
  • Hot guys are flirting with me on the dating website and I am glad of their attention. I am meeting the big smily entrepreneur, who we shall call William, tomorrow and I am excited about it.
  • My weight has dropped to 143 pounds because I have stopped comfort-eating, I am now only ten pounds over what I should be and am optimistic that I can get the rest off.
  • Physical energy gradually returning. The crushing fatigue which until very recently was lasting from morning ’til night is now only hitting me in short bursts and I am learning to take tactical naps as necessary.
  • Concentration at work has improved a lot.
  • The celebrity Botox clinic called me and I am having Botox NEXT WEDNESDAY.

Yay!!!

Naughty by Nature: Sunshine

Botox.

After some research, I think Botox might be the answer where my sagging upper eyes and frown lines are concerned. It’s going to be a lot cheaper than surgery and you don’t have to have a general anaesthetic.

With this soccer-mom haircut, I seriously need all the help I can get right now. It’s going to take fucking months to grow these layers out. In fact, if the Botox lasts 6 months I might just about have enough hair by then to cut into the shape that I originally wanted.

I’ve just phoned a Harley St clinic that treats celebrities and I’m waiting for them to call me back so I can get a consultation.

My Normal Life.

That dinner date tonight did me so much good. It was like a reminder of the person I used to be.

I had a 90-minute nap before going out, to preserve me from drug-induced fatigue later on. Then I flattened my hair into a shape that I don’t hate too much (I still don’t like this haircut, I think it is putting 10 years on me, but it can’t be helped until it grows back a bit more) and put on some make-up. Proper make-up, with primer and all that stuff that makes your skin look good.

Then I put on an outfit consisting of my favourite long summer dress, the one that flatters my boobs and hides my belly, a pair of comfortable bejewelled flip-flops and my light wool shawl. An outfit that I later realised I have not worn since I had that deeply romantic affair with young Hussein in Jordan last September. An outfit that therefore has happy and romantic memories.

I went to the restaurant – I even listened to music on the tube on the way there – and had dinner with Gustave (26) who was very French and reminded me a lot of Marcel, who I dated for about four months a while back.

Gustave is new in London and is very shy, probably not helped by the fact that I am 20 years older than him. He does not have Hussein’s confidence, but he was pretty and sweet. I couldn’t exactly tell how much he fancied me (I am sure we can easily gauge this by whether or not I hear from him between now and the weekend) and it kind of doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I went out on a date and was a lot like the person I used to be before the Crime happened. I even had a glass of wine, having not had a drink that I can really remember since I was living it up in Santiago in April.

Oh god, that was so nice. It was like having my old life back for a few hours.

When I got home I realised that my house smells funny and that’s how badly I need to do some housework, also that’s how long it is since I’ve actually been out of the house.

There is another date expected later this week with the entrepreneur, also 26. If that happens, I expect that he will be less shy, he is very outgoing.

I am newly motivated to go back to the gym.

I am also thinking of phoning the cosmetic surgery clinic that removed my cyst in 2011 or whenever it was and seeing how much it would cost to do an upper eye lift. It’s not going to be cheap, on the other hand it will be fraction of what I’ve spent on my teeth.

And that’s all tonight’s news. Hooray! I think everything is going to be okay. 1 Survival point.

Progress Report (TMI warning: sex toys, periods).

Wow, I can’t believe it’s a whole week since I last blogged. It is Week 5, Day 5 of the happy pills. Progress is rather slow. I can feel the pills working, I’m so much better and less anxious than I was five weeks ago, I can see that. I don’t feel constantly strung out and ready to have a meltdown. I’m also starting to be less sleepy, which has been the most problematic side effect of these drugs. On the other hand, I’m very low on physical energy. I had a big, heavy work day on Thursday where I had to travel to another city, to a client’s office and deliver a sparkling workshop to a large audience and this I accomplished with my usual style and panache, but then after that I was practically catatonic on Friday and Saturday and couldn’t move out of my chair. The fact that I’m even blogging is something of an achievement. I do feel slightly more energetic today. I have some office work to do that is left over from Friday so I am going to procrastinate by cleaning my house because all I’ve done for a month is drop clothes on the floor and strew my belongings in all the wrong places around the house.

I don’t feel awful but I feel like I’m in suspended animation. I’m not experiencing huge amounts of mental anguish, but I’m not doing anything. I feel like I’m waiting for something but I’m not sure what. Maybe just to rediscover that spark of vitality.

My sex drive is starting to come back and I’m so glad of that. So happy about that. My physical functioning is also starting to return. I managed to have three orgasms in the last week, with a lot of patience and with the help of the largest, most powerful vibrator (by far) that I’ve ever owned. It plugs into the wall and is so powerful that you could use it to drill holes in the street. I will never be able to show it to anyone who I invite over here unless they are very experienced because it is a monster, it is over a foot long and weighs as much as my head. Even I was shocked when I opened the packaging. I wasn’t expecting anything that big. But it works, and none of my other toys, not even my Lelo, is hitting the spot right now so as far as I am concerned it is money well spent.

Can we talk about periods for a minute? Popular consensus among users of this particular drug is that the manufacturers don’t know the difference between ‘common’, ‘rare’ and ‘very rare’ side effects. One allegedly ‘very rare’ side effect that I wasn’t expecting is that my period has gone missing. I have always had a very regular cycle. When I was very young, it was about five weeks. Through most of my adult life it was the normal four weeks. The last two years or so, being as I am the wrong side of 45, it has shortened to three weeks but it was still regular as clockwork, enabling me to know when I needed to carry feminine hygiene products around. At the time of writing, it’s now been 6 weeks since my last period, which makes me either two or three weeks late, depending on how you look at it. It might just be late and in the post but I am starting to hope that maybe it won’t come at all. I could live with that. After 6 weeks of no period, the longest I’ve ever gone without one not counting pregnancy, I am suddenly getting a glimpse of what life must be like post-menopause, and it looks good. I hope my period stays away but of course at this point I have no way of knowing whether it will, so I have to carry tampons and things around the whole time in case it suddenly shows up in a dramatic way at an inopportune moment.

In light of my restored sex drive, partially restored physical function and inability to get out of my chair, I’ve spent some time on and off the dating website this week, chatting to boys.

Urban Kid is about to go travelling, I think we have met at slightly the wrong time, on the other hand if I see him when he comes back, he will be all the better for his experiences.

The Wing Commander. I am not sure about him. He says he wants someone else to take control but I do not think he is capable of letting them. Ask the Head Honcho if he had the same problem with me. The Commander is very keen and prone to excitability, we talked by email and text messaging via Skype a lot last week, he is very prone to making rash declarations of gallantry, I think because he has been looking for a woman who was willing to take charge for a long time. On the other hand, as someone in a senior military position he does not lack confidence and when he is not getting what he wants he is quite capable of ending the conversation and being clear about his availability. He is frustrated with me right now because I said that we will meet when I say so and not before. So we are not talking to each other this weekend because he clearly stated that he has essays to write for yet another postgraduate degree that he is working on, so I am leaving him to it. I notice this did not stop him going on the dating website and fiddling with his profile. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want this. He is high-status, well-paid, handsome, probably would make a devoted partner but I just don’t know if I want to be on the Honcho end of a battle of wills. I don’t have the energy and I don’t have enough interest. He’s older than my taste usually runs to and I am not really comfortable with the whole military thing. I can’t see myself ever attending military social events for example (he took an ex girlfriend to some military ‘ball’ last weekend, it sounded awful, I would strongly like to avoid attending events like that, thank you) so if we got into some kind of partnership, it would be awkward. I’m not cut out for being someone’s military girlfriend and if I just wanted sex, which I do, I can get it elsewhere. I think he is surprised. I read all through the questions he’s answered on the dating site and he thinks a lot of himself. Why shouldn’t he, I guess, he’s achieved a lot and has a lot of responsibility. But he rates his own attractiveness very highly, I only find him moderately attractive because I am not really keen on machismo in men of his age (in fact, I am just not really keen on men of his age, full stop) and I think he can tell. When I think of the Wing Commander and the prospects for that relationship, the phrase that comes to my mind is ‘hard work’ and I don’t want any more of that. I want to rest and relax. What I would really like to do is lie down with my head in the Honcho’s lap, ideally on a beach, but since that is not an option and there aren’t many Honchos out there, I will revert to the time-honoured practice of dating much younger guys who look gorgeous and don’t give me any trouble.

So that’s why I’m having dinner with a young French guy tomorrow. He is 26, very pretty and very compliant. I do not anticipate problems. It is only going to be the usual question of chemistry, which you can’t ultimately determine until you meet someone. But on paper, he looks good. Other prospects that the dating website has thrown my way this week include a very smily young entrepreneur (26) and a Spanish fitness trainer (23). Much more suitable and more what I am looking for. So that’s why I’m cleaning my house this afternoon, in case I get lucky.

My weight is stable at 146 pounds and that’s way heavier than the 133 pounds that I am supposed to be, on the other hand I’m not gaining anything (mainly because I’m not eating very much) and I’m within what you would call a normal weight range, even by London standards of body fascism, I’m not so heavy that I’m out of the game.

And I think that’s all the news. Shall we have a tune? It is Sunday after all and it’s important to keep up Church if nothing else.

Blackstreet: No Diggity (1996)

The Wing Commander

I haven’t blogged for a few days because there wasn’t much to report. The happy pills (it’s now Day 26) are still making me sleepy. Not as badly as last week, but my slightly improved alertness is offset by the fact that we are having our annual heatwave in Britain, which makes the whole country a bit dozy. I managed a bit of self-improvement (1 long walk, 1 swim, 1 visit to the dentist). I went out to some business meetings. Other than that I’ve been fairly inactive.

For my sake as much as yours, let’s run through Gloria’s Behavioural Indicators of Normality and assess the mental health scores on the doors this Sunday morning.

  • Laughing at things, check. I am increasingly finding things funny enough to laugh out loud, that’s so wonderful, it’s like having your eyesight restored.
  • Music. I have once or twice listened to music and didn’t hate it, although it is still not reaching me in the way that it normally would.
  • Dancing. I don’t feel the impulse to dance, this used to be something I did every day at home because I couldn’t help it, I hope I get that back soon.
  • Doing activities, eg reading, cleaning my house, making things, getting some exercise. I am partly successful in this, much more so than a couple of weeks ago, but considering that ‘doing activities’ ought to be the default state when I am awake, there’s still a long way to go.
  • Enjoying sunshine. We are still working on this.
  • Propensity to find myself and other people attractive. Uh, yeah. So there might be a bit of news there. Let’s have a tune while I am thinking what to say. It is Sunday morning, after all. Quick spot of Church.

Missy Elliot: The Rain (1997)

.

News.

I might as well tell you, it’s by far the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last few days. So it looks my sex drive is starting to trickle back. I wouldn’t say I am fully functional physically but the part of my brain that is concerned with sex (quite a large part of my brain, ha ha) is starting to wake up. I looked through the millions of recent selfies that I’ve taken for the least awful one and uploaded it to my online dating profile. Because I’ve been away from the online dating scene for a few months, I immediately get masses of traffic, which always happens any time someone new turns up.

I thought fairly hard about what to write on my profile. Normally I am a magnet for the fashionably-attired under-30s of London and I am so not complaining about that, I consider myself extremely fortunate to have their attention at my age. But you know, I have days when I miss the Head Honcho. I wish I had someone in my life who I actually respected. So I wrote about that. I wrote that, as a general rule, I am the boss, both at work and in my private life. If I date you, you should expect to do as I say unless we’ve explicitly negotiated something to the contrary. Despite these tendencies (I wrote) I miss the company of someone I could regard as a peer. Would like to meet someone who is successful, well-organised, has their shit together, capable of providing intellectual stimulation as well as light entertainment. I further specified that normally I only date models (just to set expectations of attractiveness at the right level) and finally, while I do want some kind of meaningful relationship, I am a terrible commitment-phobe so it would help if you are away a lot.

LOL. I thought I had no chance. I was almost going out of my way to be unreasonable.

Then two things happened.

First I get mail from and subsequently have an extended conversation with an incredibly buff and fashionably-styled 25-year-old, so urban, loads of edge, such sharp grooming, hot as a baker. God damn. We are chatting and seeing what mutual interests we have and whether we can work something out (that is, we are discussing whether he is willing to do as he’s told). This is thoroughly distracting in the most delightful way and I would love to put my hands on him. It is so distracting that I barely attend to this other conversation that I’m having with a guy who’s nearly 15 years his senior, until I do start paying attention.

I don’t love the military, okay. Let me just say that. Some people do, but I don’t. I am anti-war and I find uniforms extremely unattractive. So that’s why I don’t take the Wing Commander (not his real title) too seriously when he strikes up a conversation. We are just chatting. He likes dominant women but can’t find one who has the confidence to tell him what to do, after all he is a senior military type and tells everyone what to do, all day long, where it is serious business involving large numbers of people and explosive situations. I ask him some questions about his job, because it is interesting, but I don’t take him seriously as a prospect, mainly because if I wanted someone to push around, that’s what the 25-year-old arm candy is for. In fact I more or less say as much and refer to the aforementioned Urban Kid. Then he starts talking about his post-graduate degree in philosophy. All right, now I’m listening. I review his profile and photos. I realise that as much as I dislike uniforms, this guy looks like George Clooney in one of those militaristic action movies he’s always making. He is clearly not 25 but if you can see past the uniform, which isn’t that easy, he is a handsome guy and he looks tall, broad-chested and well-built. I guess they have to be fit, don’t they. He certainly looks it. Then I go and look up how much officers of his rank are getting paid, and it is a lot. So. We’ve been talking a lot over the last few days, to the point where he took my attention away from the younger guy. I say ‘talking’, we are emailing because I am currently not permitting a phone conversation because I don’t feel like it. He wanted to meet right away, I said no. He said ‘then it will be in a few weeks because I am out of the country, this is what my life is like’. I said ‘perfect’, because it is.

So we’ll see. I don’t know where this is going. I do know that I was right about Nurse Moody before I’d even had a conversation with him. I also know that I really, really need to get those extra pounds off right fucking now and if the Wing Commander’s away for a few weeks, that’s actually a feasible period of time. So guess who’s dieting. And I am sure Urban Kid will benefit from that as well.

3 Health points.

clooney

Letting Go of Anxiety

It is Day 22 of the happy pills.

Side effects of the week: sleepiness, lethargy. I am not out exercising in the rare British sunshine because it is hard to stay awake sometimes and even when I’m awake it’s hard to get out of my chair. Because I need to get on with some work, I am relying heavily on stimulants such as caffeine and sugar to keep me awake, which is really great for my teeth and also for my waistline. I weigh 150 pounds today, and although my weight is fluctuating a lot from day to day, meaning that I was 144 pounds only five days ago, I don’t want to see an upward trend.

Positive outcomes: OK, this is suddenly becoming a tangible thing. I can see my behaviour changing.

  • Spontaneously laughing at things. I will be so, so glad if we can get this back to normal levels.
  • Being capable of taking an interest in things (anything at all). OK, so physical energy is in short supply but for a couple of days now I’ve been reading a history book, which I’ll review when I’ve finished it, and finding it really absorbing. It led to reading in front of my laptop so I could stop to look up Edward III and various issues pertaining to the 14th century. Also, come to think of it, I watched a couple of silly films and a documentary set in that time period, while knitting. This is a big change. I thought I had completely burnt out the part of my brain that is capable of regarding anything as worth the mental struggle of thinking about it. What I see here is a glimpse of a re-appearing ability to invest attention and energy in things that aren’t urgent but which improve one’s quality of life.
  • Less anxiety. Less anxiety doesn’t mean less depression but it is a thing in its own right. It is not an effect of this drug that I was looking for because I didn’t know I was anxious until I started to be relieved of it, so there you go. The things you learn. So. Thoughts on anxiety.
    • I was really strung out a few weeks ago. I was really frazzled at that time, I didn’t even know how much. Now I’ve relaxed a bit, I can see how tense I was.
    • I was tense about a lot of things. Very frustrated and wound up about a bunch of things that I felt should be some other way than the way they are. I still don’t want to think about the Crime, but I can see that I’ve been very frustrated about some other things in my life, in some cases for years, the textbook case would be my ‘relationship’ with the Honcho, and I’ve been insistent that they can be and ought to be some other way, which I can control.
    • The reality is, I can’t control everything, so I might as well not ruin my life stressing about it. It won’t change anything. There are things I don’t like and situations I don’t like and those things are the way they are regardless of my preference about it. We all have to suffer disappointments in life. The only sensible thing to do is to drop it and pay attention to something else, like maybe going to the gym or seeing my friends or something. It’s my life, I’m wasting my own time being anxious and stressy about things.
    • Actions. Several times a day, check that you are breathing and check where your shoulders are. Are they hunched up around your ears? If so, say ‘let it go’, breathe out, relax. Make tea. Try to stay off the coffee and sugar.