I think these drugs could do with kicking up a notch. I am less stoned this morning and my sex drive is still MIA but on the other hand I can still feel pain and some degree of emotional need, and if I’m going to take powerful psychoactive pharmaceuticals then I expect them to work. I am not looking for subtle results, it’s not worth sacrificing my sex life for. Speaking of which.

– There’s an angelically beautiful fitness trainer who I’ve been talking to online, on and off, for ages. He patiently waited for me to finish doing business in China and South America, then as soon as I got home I was attacked and he had to wait some more. He was on my case this morning, sending me photos of his exceptionally lovely face and body. ‘I have no sex drive’, I said, and explained why. ‘Oh!’ he said. ‘Well, I can soon sort that out’, and I am tempted to let him try.

– I am missing the scratchy, irritating presence of the Head Honcho. Itch, scratch, itch. I have no interest in sex, but he doesn’t know that. I want him there, by my side, metaphorically if not in person. I don’t want him taking his unpleasant personality and unreliable ministrations to someone else, it’s a horrible thought, it is for me, it is mine. I emailed him and he unblocked me on Skype. I am relieved. I don’t want him to give up on me, that’s not how this relationship works. We fall out with each other constantly and have terrible arguments, but we don’t give up on each other.

Meh. Apparently I am not ready to put down my security blanket just yet. I have to wait three more weeks before I have another appointment with my GP. Then we can either kick this up to a higher dose or else I will stop taking it. I do not have time for half measures.

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