How to get in some exercise before 6am.

  1. Wake up at 3am with back pain.
  2. Wake up at 4.30am with back pain. Realise there is no more sleep to be had. Get up and take industrial-strength painkillers.
  3. Go to bathroom and look at hair. Cry. Attempt to glue it down and make it lie flat, even though it has been cut so as to prevent it from doing exactly that.
  4. Experience feelings of despair. Go outside and walk around for 45 minutes looking for somewhere to buy cigarettes.


I went looking for the Honcho last night, in the hope of persuading him to tell me that my hair doesn’t look that bad, but apparently that last episode of me losing my temper with him has passed some sort of tipping point, because I logged into Skype and he has blocked me. I’ve blocked him millions of times but that’s the first time he’s ever blocked me. One of his special features was that no matter how disastrously we fell out, he would never turn me away if I wanted to come back.

I am really unhappy, you can tell, can’t you. I hope these drugs start working soon. I am going to call the dentist today. I need a general dental appointment and I want to get my teeth bleached without delay. My hair is making me look like a soccer mom but I am stuck with it so I am just going to have to accept it. All I can do is work on improving my teeth, my skin and my fat/muscle ratio until my hair is officially my worst feature.

This is not what I wanted for this summer. I was going to run around outdoors getting a nice tan and looking sexy. June is already over and I am overweight and I am wearing the equivalent of mom jeans on my head. O god I just want to die.

Pharrell: Happy (2013)



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