You know when I was not panicking about my weight? OK, now I’m starting to get scared. I LOLd just the other day when the scales told me I’d gained 4 lbs in 24 hours, because I know that isn’t possible. It’s not possible for it all to be fat, anyway. I would have had to have eaten 10,000 more calories than I needed in a single day for that to happen.
The next day I didn’t LOL so much because the scales said I’d gained another pound. Making it five pounds in two days. And these mysterious, magical extra five pounds that I really don’t need on top of my extra 12 pounds are not going away. I got on the scales again this morning and it insistently says I weigh 150 lbs and that is really not acceptable to me. 145 pounds, I could take in my stride. 150 lbs, where five of those pounds appeared literally overnight, I am not happy about. Jesus Christ. How can five pounds just appear out of nowhere? Where were they the day before?
I am eating sensibly and exercising and now I am scared as well. I am glad that I don’t have any dates. I am going to let Socrates wait until I can see the scales going down by at least a pound or two. The Honcho is pretending that he wants a date and this is just about exciting enough to scare me into weight-loss action, while at the same time we all know that it’s not going to happen in this lifetime, so fuck it. I am motivated and I am fat and I guess I can be both of those things at the same time. And I don’t need to be skinny to do home improvements.
I knew the day would come when those scales started practicing black magic. I knew it. Didn’t I predict this on the day I bought them.