Good morning, readers. Usually we have the news of the day followed by a tune; today we are having the tune first. Everyone who doesn’t want to listen to me introspect about my first-world problems can then skip the rest of today’s post 🙂
Papa Levi: Back to Basics (1994)
Something is not quite right. Let me tell you how I know.
Yesterday was blazing sunshine all day, this is very unusual in Britain and the entire country celebrates by going outside in ill-advised fashions. I did not go out. I considered all my options and the most appealing one was drawing the curtains and playing Sims 3 all day, even though by ‘play’ I really mean ‘try to find fixes and workarounds for all of its many bugs’, which is known to be an unsatisfying way to spend one’s gaming time. I did this because yesterday it felt as though even World of Warcraft would be too much effort and too much stimulation. You see, WoW is a multiplayer game and I might have had to say hello to someone or otherwise interact with other humans. So I played Sims 3 all day instead, it is a single-player offline game and is the social equivalent of hiding under the bed. Most of the rest of the time yesterday I was in my bed, asleep.
I also suspended my online dating profile. I have talked to several people in the days since we last spoke and I went out to meet one person, but people are flaky and complicated and they have their own problems going on in their own lives, which I do not have the patience for. I know when I am equipped for the dating scene and when I’m not, and right now I am impatient and I lack a sense of humour. therefore I have no business inflicting myself on others. I’m even finding the Honcho to be a poor source of entertainment and I can’t tell if that’s due to his grumpy disposition and lack of creative energy or mine. Probably both.
I am eating all the wrong things. Yesterday I ate piles of cheese on toast followed by two packets of chocolate biscuits and now I’m bulging out of my trousers. The day before yesterday was similar. I’m afraid to get on the scales but I know that my clothes are starting to not fit me. I feel very unattractive and that’s also not good for dating. I haven’t been to the gym and it seems like it’s miles away even though it is two minutes down the road. I think I would go if I thought there would be nobody else there, it’s the other people part that I don’t want.
So as you can see, that’s not good, is it. I haven’t scored any points, I am performing at work of course, but outside of work I am just sitting here playing a game that requires the mental faculties of a ten-year-old and gaining weight and indulging in bad habits that I’d previously abandoned, like drinking loads of coffee.
I can date all of this to the episode of Crime at the start of April. Things have not been all right since then. There was obviously physical injury followed by weeks of stress and police business so I shouldn’t be surprised if I haven’t bounced back into the greatest of moods just yet, but even so. Here we are, it is summer and I’m not outdoors exercising in the sunshine, like last year, like I was looking forward to. I’ve listened to almost no music for two months, which is a terrible sign, you know that usually I would dance every day. I don’t wake up screaming, like I did once or twice when Nurse Moody was here, but I don’t smile very much. I feel like I need to take TLYW action, otherwise I will still be sitting here in September when the weather starts to get cold again, I will weigh 200 lbs and I will regret it.
Sigh. There is knowing what you should do, and then there is knowing how. Obviously, I need to score some TLYW points. I keep reminding myself that I didn’t start this blog because I was on top of the world that day. I started this blog on a day when my long-term partner had just moved out and I was an emotional wreck and every aspect of my life was in shreds. I pulled myself out of that, one Achievement point at a time, one effortful session of cleaning and trip out of the house at a time. I am in a better condition now than I was then. A lot better. Witness the 620 points I’ve scored since then, each one of which represents a positive step in the direction of a better life.
I just need to figure out the right order in which to do things. For example, I don’t think telling myself to go out and see all my friends is going to work because I just pushed myself back out on the dating scene and it wasn’t fun, I’m not in the mood for it, that much is clear. Evidently I am in a particular kind of mood at the moment so perhaps I’d better try to work with it rather than against it.
- Keep working on the house. This seems important to me, it is giving me a sense of control. I feel this urgent need to do all the household repairs. It seems very important to me to not have things in my house that are broken, obviously my house got trashed when I was attacked so there are a bunch of things like the cooker and the blinds on the windows that need replacing because of that but also now suddenly I feel this strong need to repair or replace all the many things around the house that are broken or damaged that I’ve just been putting up with for months or years. I might nip out to the DIY store and get some more plastic storage crates, because I have a bit of a fetish for them and I have a lot of yarn that I no longer want to keep in beat-up cardboard boxes.
- Exercise. Will improve my mood immediately, while I am waiting for my waistline to catch up. If I don’t want to see other people, that’s no excuse. I can do my early-morning walks without any interruption from others, and I know when are the quiet times at the gym, I should have gone for a swim late on Friday night, for example, I would have had the pool to myself.
I think that’s all I can manage right now. If I do those two things then my life will come back on track. Everything else will fall into place around it.