Don’t Lose Your Cool plus! Know Your Customer

OK, I admit it, I guess I am admitting it to myself as much as to you. I am sort of writing a book about online dating. Apparently I have strong views.

I actually discussed it with tonight’s candidate. He was a handsome, well-educated and athletic 28-year-old who was rather surprised and taken aback when I said at the end of the night that I didn’t want to see him again. I can understand why he was surprised. He looks good. He’s young, he is in great shape. He’s not scared to talk. What could possibly be wrong with him? I will tell you, just like I explained it to him just now.

Dude, you lost your cool. What’s more, you are talking exclusively about your needs and all the things she can do for you. OK, so you made a good start. You have a carefully-chosen selection of recent and sexy photos (this is the MOST important thing, not just to men, but to everyone, if the chemistry is not there, you won’t make a sale).  So well done. You also have a carefully written profile that is reasonably SHORT and avoids cliches. You have started a conversation with a hot woman, or maybe you really did well with your profile and she has approached you. And now you totally lose your cool and bombard her with messages like this until she starts to regret saying that she would meet you:

I find you so sexy. (She knows this already, you wouldn’t talk to her otherwise. These words are spam.)
I have always wanted to meet someone like you. (Really, isn’t that terrifically exciting for her.)
I am intrigued and I want to ask you a lot of questions. (Oh good. I’m basically a help desk.) 


There are two big fat problems here.

  1. You are gushing. You are a pushover. You are no longer a potential trophy, a status symbol, a catch. You are gushing like a little girl. I bet when women do that to you before even getting as far as a first date, you respect them less and find them less attractive because they are yours on a plate already.
  2. At the same time as gushing, you are talking exclusively about how she can serve you. I know, you think you are being so respectful and lovely because you keep telling her how superficially wonderful she is, based on little to no information that’s outside of your pants. But you are not being respectful and lovely. You are telling her how she can fulfil your tawdry fantasies. Depending on her age, beauty, location and ability to market herself, she is getting a couple of dozen messages saying exactly that, every single day of the week. If you want to get laid, take a moment and do some maths. See how fast that adds up. Want to know what that adds up to? Sexual abuse. So cut it out. Don’t contribute to the pile-on. Distinguish yourself from the crowd by responding to her needs. It’s your job to find out what these are. Pro tip: actually reading the woman’s profile can be a massive help.

Right, that’s quite enough for tonight. Here’s the summary, gentlemen, so you can remember.

Tips: (1) Don’t be a pushover. Don’t be excessively available. You can compliment her and have a nice conversation, but stand back a little bit. Let her know that you have a life and that noticing her online dating profile isn’t the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to you. (2) Don’t add to the wank mail. Know your customer. Read her profile, identify her needs and talk about those.

Comments are very welcome, as ever.

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