I guess we all know where I’m going this morning.

Yep. Straight back to the gym. I am going to the gym at 8:00 on a Saturday morning because I still need more discipline. By this, I mean I feel aggravated. I got up at 7am and spent an hour deleting the Honcho from every possible mobile device, social media application and email account that I could think of. I resisted the temptation to send accusatory messages because they are proven to make no impression. I would like it if he felt bad, but I think he is constitutionally incapable of it. He doesn’t have a large enough range of emotions to encompass things like empathy or guilt. He only has two settings: Horny and Annoyed.

So this is all fine. Yet I still feel sad. The Honcho got close to me in a very particular way, one that I won’t permit again. And so that’s part of the reason I have kept returning and returning to him over the last couple of years. Not because he is such a great guy, not because other people aren’t lovable, not because I couldn’t do better, not because there aren’t enough people who want to date me, god knows. I returned and returned and returned because I will not let myself speak with anyone like that again, I will not say those things or think those things again. It was a one-off. It was a unique thing and I will not look for it elsewhere. I don’t want it a second time from someone else. Maybe some other things, like a nice relationship or whatever bullshit, but not that. And so, when he is gone, it is gone. And that makes me sad. And that’s why I’m packing my gym bag right now. Let’s have some Queen Latifah to help us on the way. I love this woman. I should take more notice of her.

All that I knew was, you was all the man I had. And I was scared to let you go, even though you treated me bad.

Queen Latifah: U.N.I.T.Y. (1993)

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