In which the only winner is my waistline.

“I love you”, said Disraeli as I was dumping him. “I know”, I said, “of course you do”. Of course he loves me. I did the Honcho Method on him for let’s see, four weeks, didn’t kiss him and didn’t take any of my clothes off. So naturally he is crazy about me. Because the Method works. This is not really a cause for celebration, is it. I told Disraeli that he had had a lucky escape, that he is lucky I am letting him go now before he gets even more attached to me and has to spend the rest of his life begging me to have a more normal relationship with him (cough).

After that was dealt with, I wasted some time brooding and thinking Dark Thoughts.

Dark Thought #1: I get a massive kick out of the Honcho, such a massive kick that I am surprised it is legal.

When things are going well, when he and I are getting on well, which is so difficult lately that one day without arguing feels like a huge success, then it is the best thing ever. You’ve seen what it does to me. I dance, flirt with him, listen to the Bee Gees without irony and generally feel so happy, so unnaturally happy, that it is like getting an armful of heroin and you feel euphoric and wonder if your heart is going to stop beating and don’t even care that much if you die right there on the spot. It is terrific. It feels like all I could ever want or need. I am still talking to him after all this time because it is really hard to believe that if he can deliver this feeling, and he seems to enjoy doing so, and he seems to like me more in this mood than when I’m angry, given all those things, it is hard to believe that we can’t make something successful out of this relationship. We are both intelligent people, we enjoy each other. Why can’t it work? It has to be able to work, on some level, if we could just find the right formula. I know this is completely deluded and he quite obviously gets his kicks out of it never getting off the ground at all, but these are the kinds of thoughts that make come back to him, time after time. Disraeli’s problem was (a) he existed in real life a bit too much and I prefer the non-threatening, remote intimacy of the Honcho, where there are never any real-life issues, and (b) as much as I like him, Disraeli is to the Honcho what a cup of tea is to a monsoon.

Dark Thought #2: Once you have the cheat codes, the game is broken.

So I’ve known the Honcho for a fucking long time now and all we have ever done is talk, so we know each other quite well. And as you have seen, he allows himself to be coaxed into teaching me The Method. Obviously, I have first hand experience of having it done on me for 2 years, so I know all the actions quite well, the missing piece was the rationale, the strategy. Which he is now filling in for me. I find it very fascinating. I tried it on Disraeli and the Young Scientist and I was absolutely shocked at how effective it is. This is rather an interesting situation. It has rather taken the mystery out of heterosexual relationships. It is like being handed the cheat codes to a favourite video game. At first the cheat codes are brilliant fun, you award yourself stacks of virtual money and infinite survivability and it is great. You can’t believe it. But then after about five minutes you realise that you’ve just ruined the game for yourself. You’ve basically broken it. If you want a man to fall in love with you, say and do certain things, cook on Gas Mark 4 for 20 minutes, and you will get reliable results. So that’s the mysterious and exciting game of romance completely fucked, isn’t it.

Dark Thought #3: This man has a horrible personality.

That didn’t really need saying, did it. Also, I haven’t seen him since January 2012. Why? At first (like let’s say the first 4 months or so after this date, before I knew there was anything wrong or what I’d got myself into) he used to do this to manipulate me, in line with The Method. Then after that there was a long period where he was doing it because he decided that I was being too demanding(!), I can’t even remember the details of this now, but basically I was complaining a lot about the way he was treating me and he felt it necessary to state that there wouldn’t be another date until I agreed that I didn’t have any right to expect anything from him (at this point we’ve been closely involved with each other, on a daily or near-daily basis for a year, 18 months). And then there is the third phase of the last six to eight months where we aren’t close to making any real plans to see each other because we are in a mutual stand-off. His position is unchanged because The Method says ‘once you order something, you do not ever, ever go back on that, you don’t change your mind, you don’t compromise’. Meanwhile my position is that I can’t have sex with him even if he wanted to see me, because I have endured two and a half years of manipulation and outright abuse and now I hate him. You’ll notice this doesn’t have much impact on item 1, which is really annoying.

I needed to find a way of dealing with the Dark Thoughts and not waste my weekend on them. As an act of equal parts self-discipline and self-hatred, I went to the gym. For five and a half hours.

I did all the weight training. Then I power-walked for two hours on the treadmill. Then I got in the pool and swam 70 lengths, which is a personal record, everybody. I hope you are impressed, I am way impressed with myself. That was the massivest gym session ever. I achieved personal bests in both swimming and amount of overall effort in a single gym visit.

I’m obviously highly motivated with regard to gym and diet at the moment because we are a mere three pounds off my goal weight, and shedding three measly pounds could take forever but also, rather scarily, it could be a matter of days. What happens then? I’ve been on this epic weight loss journey since July 2011. About two and a half years. I know a lot, a lot, about trying to lose weight. I don’t know a damn thing about what to do when you get to the weight you want. That sounds like a whole different ball game. I might do a bit of googling and see what other slimmers have to say about it. Obviously the big danger is losing motivation because you’ve reached your goal and thus gaining weight back again. On the other hand, you don’t necessarily want to set a new goal to lose another 33 lbs because anorexia. So we’ll see. I’ll do some reading, it’s bound to be interesting.

Phew! That was a lot of talking. 3 Health points.



Postscript: Oh, and guess what. You remember I said I was giving him until midnight or we were going back on ignore? He’s just emailed me. Just now, while I was writing this. At 23:05.

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