Yesterday’s points.

It was an action packed day yesterday.

Went to the gym, managed 30 lengths of the pool which again is not brilliant but better than nothing. That is the last time I will attempt to use the pool at 5pm, the whole place was absolutely swarming with mums and kids. They closed off three whole lanes for children’s swimming lessons, the ‘I’m not a serious swimmer’ area of the pool was rammed with mums and even more kids and this left just one lane for the people who wanted to actually, you know, swim, as opposed to babysitting and messing about with inflatable water wings. One lane. For all the swimmers, at all speeds. At one point, five of us were attempting to use this one lane. Terrible. I don’t even like children all that much. I will go to the outdoor pool if that happens again. There won’t be hordes of children out there in the middle of January. Anyway, 1 Health point.

Later, went to visit my friend Cm. Lovely to see her. Met her boyfriend. He was okay. He seems strangely naive for a 38-year-old but I am hardly in a position to criticise other people for having naive boyfriends, when my ideal age range is somewhere between 22 and 28. 1 Friends point.

When I arrived home, there was email from Disraeli. He has fallen hard. The words he uses to describe our relationship, on the strength of two dates, if you please, are ‘monumental’ and ‘life-changing’. Impressed? I was impressed with myself for a minute. But I am only doing for him what the Honcho did for me. I wasn’t born knowing how to elicit this reaction, not that strong a reaction, certainly. All of my new-found interactional skills, which I am properly and thoroughly applying for the first time in this relationship, were learned at the feet of the big boss and I credit my sensei with my success. If you want to know some of the Honcho’s secrets, they include ‘don’t talk on the phone, ever’, ‘no sex for at least 3 months’, ‘don’t get drawn into negotiating’ and ‘resist the urge to be sympathetic’. These are actual things, it turns out. It wasn’t just me losing my mind. It was a systematic plan that he was implementing on purpose. I learned exactly how much of his seemingly insane and abnormal behaviour was systematically implemented just recently when I flattered him into giving me tips. If the Honcho had thought I needed to lose 15 pounds he would have told me to take care of the situation immediately and not even felt a twinge of sympathy or a moment’s doubt about my ability to do it. Disraeli said ‘nobody has ever treated me like this’ and believe me, I know exactly what he meant.

In fact it was a little bit frightening. But they fought with expert timing.

Carl Douglas: Kung Fu Fighting

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2 thoughts on “Yesterday’s points.”

    1. It does work. You have to suppress all your natural instincts with regard to being sympathetic and reciprocal and imagining that relationships are supposed to be equally balanced. You also have to be willing to appear completely insane. But it does work. Look at the deep, primal degree of loyalty that the Honcho instilled in me, and I haven’t seen him in the flesh for 2 years.

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