Gloria McBeal

My gym. Lord have mercy. I know you probably don’t believe me when I say it is like one long episode of Ally McBeal but shiiiiit. You should see it for yourself. The amount of men wandering around who are so show-stoppingly gorgeous that they would cause a traffic accident if they went outside. Men who are so improbably good-looking that outside of that magical gym you just would not see more than one in the same place within the same lifetime unless you happened to work for a modelling agency. It is just insane. My neighbourhood is … normal. Boring, even. I’m not even in the centre of London where the celebrities are, I’m in a boring suburb. And yet my gym …

So, I can tell you that I am SO GLAD that I put make-up on this evening because I went for my swim (oh yeah, I swam 50 lengths, blah blah, 1 Health point) and then I went to the restaurant and Delroy The Beautiful was there (swoon!!!) and he shone like the sun and we embraced and he looked so pleased to see me even though I was looking a bit plus-size in a vest that is too small. So THEN we are standing there chatting while one of his colleagues makes me a hot drink and he’s being charming and wittering on gorgeously about Xmas or something or other when in my field of peripheral vision I become aware that someone is standing right next to me and they are staring at me. So I take a look to see if it’s someone I know and then I do a double-take. It is not someone I know. It is someone I’ve never seen before. A black guy, about 30, who looks like Tyson Beckford, that is, so ridiculously handsome that my eyes would have started bleeding if they weren’t already bleeding from looking at Delroy. Tyson is looking right at me, staring into my eyes, and wearing the hugest smile and he says ‘hello’.

I was so distracted that I actually momentarily forgot that I was in the middle of a conversation. I just stared back and smiled back because what else are you gonna do. And said hello. And we just stared at each other for a second. Then I remembered I was actually talking to Delroy(!!!) and my brain became confused. I had cognitive dissonance. I had Delroy the Beautiful standing opposite me and Tyson Beckford standing right next to me and they are for some reason giving all of their attention to fat old me, even though their proximity to each other surely ought to result in some sort of tear in the Milky Way. The moment was rescued by Delroy’s colleague bringing my cup of tea. So I said ‘well I’d better go’ and put my hat back on.

‘Are you in tomorrow?’, Delroy asked. ‘Oh yes‘, I fervently replied. ‘I sure am’. ‘See you tomorrow, then’, he said.

Shall we have a tune? You know I’m feeling happy when the vintage reggae comes out.

You’re my Daylight Saving Time.

Yellowman & Fathead: Pon We Line

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