Christmas Fail.

My Xmas tree.


Fail. I still have so much work on and I am starting to think that I will be very, very lucky indeed to get the house clean enough to let visitors in, never mind getting the damn tree out of that plastic crate.

My super exciting Xmas dating plans.


Fail. So annoying. As you know, the other day I had to piss on a stick and you might have guessed this was because there was an Incident involving a condom, or lack thereof. I am not pregnant, which is great, but the current state of play as of now is that I am in between HIV tests and I can’t have any sex for three months so as not to muddle up the results. I am really extremely pissed off about that as I was not the one being negligent. This is what you get for having sex with men. I should know better.

So what I have been doing is working and feeling aggrieved. I need a plan. In fact, two plans.

(a) Plan for Xmas. God damn. It is going to happen whether I like it or not. I need to clean my house and book train tickets.

(b) Plan for the next three months of enforced celibacy. (Did I mention that I am hopping mad about this. I am hopping mad.) My plan is to go back to the gym as soon as possible and be there every day. Go back to swimming. I can swim again now. I am still a bit deaf but the doctor says it is probably a blocked Eustachian tube and I can get back in the pool now. Maybe I will even be able to fit in some Chinese as well. Possibly not with the help of Chinese-Speaking Angel. Jesus tap-dancing christ, I am so massively pissed off about the whole thing.

In other news, I am a fat fucker, which is all the more reason to get back in the gym. All I need is to pass the next, most immediate, massive work deadline and then I can dedicate three months to sculpting my beautiful non-pregnant, HIV-free body.

Merry goddamn Christmas.


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