Month: December 2013

No-one’s dead yet.

I furnaced the turkey for another half hour and made sure the roast potatoes were done. Dished everything up. Looked fine, tasted amazing. I slightly messed up the swede and carrot mash, on the other hand it made for a thick gravy. Everything generally was better than I could have hoped for. Plus, nobody has died of salmonella or gone to hospital in the last three hours so if we’re still in one piece by morning, I’m calling it a good result and claiming 2 Home points, one for the meal and one for the impressively clean state of the living room and kitchen.

So, this is going well.

The turkey should have been done by now, but isn’t, and the entire front of the oven door, including the handle, has just fallen off. So that’s really super. I should have known this wasn’t going to pass without comic mishaps. I have put the turkey back in the oven and we will have to put up with the oven looking rather rustic and being something that you have to hold the door open with your foot.

… the roast potatoes are behind schedule as well. Fine. We will just wait for the turkey and the potatoes to take as long as they need, then play catch up with the other vegetables. I have just found tomato juice in the fridge and I am having a Bloody Mary.

New TLYW season: The Hills Are Alive!

Readers, I am back in London. I have exchanged Xmas greetings with the entire family and incidentally scored two Friends points. Thanks to M&D for hosting the whole thing and patiently enduring everyone’s casual ingratitude.

Tomorrow I am making roast turkey dinner (stop laughing) for Little G and then we are into my absolute most favourite part of the holiday season, the part immediately around New Year, where you can kick back and relax and assess your options.

As the Christmas Angels programme suddenly crashed, taking me out of the dating game until mid-March 2014, and as I have eaten a disgusting amount of chocolate biscuits this Xmas and am bulging out all over, it is clear to me that I need a new mission, and what that mission should be. If I have to live like a nun for the next 10-12 weeks, well okay. I know how to do that. We’ve done it before, like when I had months of dental work. I will take this opportunity to attend church, I mean the gym, religiously every single day and I will not be tempted by romantic pursuits. If I do this and I now have no reason not to, I will be so buff by the middle of March. Just in time for spring. So that is the plan. Gym every day. Clean eating, clean living. Maybe get my teeth bleached. Maybe I will even have time to do some Chinese as well.

Welcome to the new regime. There is one turkey dinner between me and it.


Sing along now, do.

Notorious BIG ft. Too Short & Puff Daddy: The World Is Filled (1997)

Christmas with the family.

Christmas with the family. I have eaten my own body weight in cake and chocolate, and I have almost run out of knitting. I am thinking of going out tomorrow for more yarn.

Happy holidays, readers. Special wishes for you if you don’t have someone to kiss this Xmas, or if there’s someone you want who’s not there. I deliberated for a long time and finally picked this for the Xmas day theme song of 2013. It may not include Santa or reindeer but it is a smooth groove and it is for you.

Billy Paul: Me & Mrs Jones  (1977)

It just breaks my heart.

Chinese-Speaking Angel, my favourite and by far the most beautiful Angel of them all, just texted me to find out about my availability. God damn it. I gave him the address of this blog and told him that right here is all the information he could possibly want about my current circumstances.

Welcome, baby. Happy reading. I can’t have sex with you until March but yes please, I still really, really want some Chinese lessons. I’m just trying to do the responsible thing here. Let me know how you feel about that. I appreciate that this is Srs Bizness and I don’t know if I could be arsed with it at 22. I did get you a present, by the way, if that helps.