There is a flock of angels.
- I met an Italian Angel who was good looking and local, but also an idiot. He first approached me weeks and weeks ago, and I rejected him because it didn’t sound like he had enough (or any) experience of internet dating. People with no experience of internet dating are a pain in the ass. They are over-excited and excessively anxious, which is a very tiresome combination. On the one hand they are nearly convinced that the meeting is going to turn into a big romance, when any experienced internet dater knows that the chances of that resulting from any particular first date are close to zero, which is why you have to go on a lot of first dates. On the other hand, they are nearly convinced that you are a serial killer and/or a truck driver called Brian, when any experienced internet dater knows that the chances of that are even smaller. Consequently, in the period leading up to the first date, they will pester you with 18,000 redundant questions. OMG why do you not have a profile photo on WhatsApp, I am panicking here (get over it). Can you email me more photos (no). What happens if we don’t like each other (nothing, we will simply go on with our lives). Can you confirm six more times that we are definitely meeting (we are definitely meeting, but every time you interrupt me when I am working to ask me that, I become slightly less interested). Etc. So he was one of those. He came back to me and swore he’d been on a few other dates with other people, which is what I had told him to do, but he was either lying or he just hadn’t learned anything.
- Next up there was a French Angel, who was extremely pretty and charming and a lovely dinner companion, as I think we can agree one can expect from the French. He was very polite but just not quite brave enough and I don’t need another Marcel.
- Then exciting things happened. I sent a well-timed text message to my little Hungarian boy, the original Angel, which resulted in my arriving at his house an hour later, where we spent some time working on our special little understanding. He is an adorable and sweet boy, just the right temperament, just the right mix of brave and shy, just the right amount experienced (that is, rather a lot for someone of his years), beautiful manners, lovely taste, works hard, fends for himself in London and loves his mother. Everything that I like and am sympathetic to. Just perfect for me. Plus he’s obviously beautiful and could easily be the poster Angel for Xmas 2013. I really like him a lot and I’m trying not to let it show too much. That’s how much I like him.
- After that there was yet another Angel, today, a very well-behaved, well-educated and clever blond English boy with a very pretty face. As much as I liked him, we were just not quite right for each other. He tried to persuade me otherwise but I said no. He sulked attractively for a bit but even his pouty lip did not melt my heart. See, if that had been Hungarian Boy with the pouty lip it probably would have been a different story. I probably would have felt like buying him a present.
- In the middle of all these enjoyable shenanigans, Sayed called me. Knew he would. I found myself to be most direct with him on the phone. He’s never heard me speak to him like that before. We arranged to meet tomorrow, in fact I told him that that’s what we are doing and I further told him, in the most no-nonsense tone, ‘Make sure you are sober, I have plans for you and I want you sober’ and he laughed nervously. I am in a Certain Mood, readers. A Certain Mood that I acquired by contagion from continuous exposure to the Head Honcho, who is a formidable man. And that is why I have been wearing the most towering, architecturally unfeasible heels all week and why I am thinking of packing Certain Items in my handbag, such as a hairbrush and a small leather paddle that I haven’t mentioned and that y’all don’t know I possess. So just forget I said anything. Okay?
I still have not set foot in the gym.
The Head Honcho waits patiently while I emote and then steers the ship back on course.
Now I have to get my act together because I have two Christmas Angel dates today. I wish I had thought ahead about getting my winter coat dry cleaned.
I love it when you call me big poppa.
Notorious BIG: Big Poppa (1994)
We are having two hymns today, so open your red hymn book at page 24.
Snoop Lion ft. Mavado & Popcaan: Lighters Up (2013)
There’s all kinds of news, despite being so busy with work.
- Work. Yay! I finally had some sleep. There’s another crazy work day tomorrow and then it gets a bit more normal.
- Gym. I am desperate to get back in the gym. My diary from Tuesday onwards is going to have to be highly organised because I am out dating a lot, so I might have to do some very early morning gym visits to fit it all in.
- Weight Loss. I don’t have new batteries for my scales so I don’t know what I weigh. It is more than 138 lbs. However, I am not a horrible shape and could confidently take my clothes off with someone new, so we’re all good. I actually tried not to diet too strenuously over the last several days because I didn’t want to lose the muscle that I built up from weight training. I would rather have a little bit of extra fat and keep the muscle than lose the muscle. I will diet more strictly when my regular weight training regime is functioning again.
- Christmas Angels. Angel #1 got the season off to a fab start by calling me to defer until next week. He did sound phlegmy and nobody wants that, so I am happy to see him next Saturday. This enabled me to frivolously waste a good part of yesterday on the dating website, where I updated my profile with my exact requirements for this Xmas season, with the result that hopeful Angels are now throwing themselves at me, it is like Britain’s Got Talent except better-looking. I am very, very lucky, and don’t think I don’t appreciate it.
- Other Dating News. Blondie. Remember Blondie? That Canadian guy from last Christmas? He’s back. Looking for another date. I will be happy to see him when we can find a date in the diary when we are both free. He is a very polite man. That was redundant information, wasn’t it, since I just told you he is Canadian.
- The Head Honcho is being as conciliatory as he knows how to be, as well he might. We even managed a few minutes of Christmas cheer. It was sweet. Then he had to go because his life now sucks so hard that if I had to live like that, I would kill someone, and then probably myself. It really sucks so badly. It sucks for me and it sucks quite badly for him. There is such a thing as having an amount of domestic responsibility that nobody in their right mind would want. And there is such a thing as not being your own boss any more and having somebody else tell you when you are allowed to take business trips and where you are going. I can’t believe how shit it is. No wonder he’s making somewhat of an effort to be nice. What can you do. I love that man but by the time he’s ready for me, he’ll be 50 and I’ll be 57 and while that’s not the end of the world it would be nice to have some quality time together while I still look smoking hot. I am thinking of going back to Jordan to see Hussein.
- Oh, I almost forgot the best part. Sayed emailed me and I did not care. This is the guy who I could not kick out of my head only a few weeks ago. He emailed me and I didn’t give a shit. I even forgot to mention it on the blog. And that, readers, is the Head Honcho doing his job, right there.
Now for our second hymn of this morning’s service.
And it’s me you need to show. How deep is your love?
Bee Gees: How Deep Is Your Love (1977)
Merry Christmas, readers! Our new Xmas dating season starts today!
As you may recall, last year’s Xmas dating season had a theme. It was called ‘The 12 Dates of Xmas’ and the idea was to meet the first 12 people off the dating website who seemed interesting and see what happened. That actually worked out brilliantly because it led to me meeting several people who I otherwise might not have made a priority of and as a result of that, there was a four-month romance with Marcel, which I am calling a good result.
This year’s theme is Christmas Angels.
I think you will agree that I have really excelled in frivolousness and superficiality with this year’s theme. Last year, people were being selected on the strength of being interesting, which meant that the lovely contestants included TV producers and other people with fancy jobs. This year, we are doing something different. To qualify as a 2013 Christmas Angel, you have to be:
- Gorgeous. If you are wondering about the appearance of that Hungarian boy that I like, refer to the above picture. That is the standard we are setting this Xmas.
- Under 30. There will be one or two exceptions to this as I have actually scheduled a couple of dates already with people who are as old as 33(!) but as of today, being under 30 is the second eligibility criterion.
Are you excited? I sure am.
The first Angel is tonight. We are having dinner. He found a restaurant and booked a table there (very proactive of him). He has booked the table for rather late in the evening; this makes me think that he is confident about getting me back to his house but I am a lady and never do anything indecent on the first date. Almost never. He is French, because we like those French boys, and he is 31 and despite his advanced age, he certainly displays the ideal Xmas Angel physique.
There are more Christmas Angel dates scheduled for the coming week so stay tuned for all the latest developments.
You be a real good little baby. Santa Claus is back in town.
Elvis Presley: Santa Claus Is Back In Town (1957)
because when I am at my desk working, at two o’motherfucking clock in the morning yet again, you are working too and you come on Skype and say soothing things to me, like I almost thought you forgot how to do. Baby.
Al Green: I’m Glad You’re Mine (1973)
Right then. It looks like TLYW is having a themed Christmas dating season for 2013. Last year’s was good. I enjoyed it and of course I met Marcel, which turned into quite a nice four-month relationship, all things considered, even though he was a twat just at the end. When we first met, it was great. Xmas lights in London, snow, first kisses, New Year’s Eve, etc etc. Very sweet and fun. The run-up to Easter was nice as well, he brought me that giant chocolate bunny, if you remember, which was as cute as all get-out.
As you know, I am enmeshed in work hell. I am about to go and sleep for two hours now and then I have to get back to work. It’s insane. But from about Tuesday I will get my life back and that’s why I am squandering my precious time on the online dating website, lining up dates for next week.
Yay! Christmas dating!
I am so tired. I hope to have my life back soon. I had two hours of sleep last night and I am wearing my smallest jeans today but, frankly, only just.