That wasn’t the most exciting weekend, I mostly did work that was left over from Friday. However, I am happy to report that my brain has shut the fuck up about Sayed and is no longer screening romantic dramas starring him while I sleep. These transmissions have been successfully terminated by paying more attention to the Honcho, a rather dull and predictable character in comparison, yet still alluring enough to boot Sayed out of my headspace when I am willing to let him.
Things take a strange turn with the Honcho of late. The quite disastrous round of negotiations in August pushed me past some crucial tipping point, into uncharted lands of fury and disrespect, with the result that our conversations since then have taken on a very unusual flavour. He has long since stopped posturing and preening himself, well, 99% of the time, anyway. Most of the time now he talks like a normal person and not like the Wizard of Oz. I am as impatient, aggressive and demanding as any battle-hardened ex-wife or pissed-off divorcee. He isn’t taking any action in respect of my various demands but his tone is bordering on the submissive. This is a new dynamic in the relationship, I must say.
Of course, it isn’t going to go anywhere because he couldn’t get his shit together when I was completely available for him. We’ve now reached the point where I have no good will left and I’m making demands that would be difficult even for a man who was very committed to success. He is not going to be able to do this. He couldn’t do it when the bar was set low, so he certainly is not going to be able to do it now I’ve set the bar high. I don’t think I am going to hold my breath waiting for the expensive jewellery. I might hold his breath. Possibly under water.
It is doing the job, though. Just about. Time spent pulling rank with the Honcho is time invested in preventing other people from getting too close to me. If I occasionally – OK, fairly often – look at my phone to see if the Honcho messaged me, well, that’s in many respects a lot better than checking my email to see if I heard from Sayed. A lot better. Sayed is dangerous. I have strong feelings for him, he is alluring in a lot of ways that a younger man would find hard to compete with, and his life is full of factors and variables that I don’t know enough about and cannot control. The Honcho is simpler. Most of his shine has rubbed off already and I know everything that I need to about his life and most of it disqualifies him from dating me.
Notorious BIG: Things Done Changed