Sorry, that’s probably a very offensive headline but hey, I am an old lady and Slick Rick is older than me so we will just allow it and call it irony. Anyway, I wanted to tell you a funny story that happened at the gym last night. I was all finished with my various exercises and I’d had dinner so I went to the women’s locker room to get changed and go home. When I got to my locker, I saw a woman who I recognised from earlier in the evening and I said ‘hello’. She didn’t say hello back, in fact she gave me Bad Looks. It was a proper Darth Vader Death Stare. In order to understand why, we must travel back in time by about an hour.
You see, readers, I am not the only person who thinks that the jacuzzi is a good place to smile at cute boys. It was like this. I was sitting in the jacuzzi, in a bikini, holding my stomach in, for readers, I still have a fat gut. I might be a size 12 now but all that means is that I am a size 12 with a fat gut instead of a size 14 with a fat gut. If I ever become a size 10, I’ll be a size 10 with a fat gut. But anyway, I digress. So I’m sitting there in the jacuzzi, watching people swim and generally looking around to see who’s in town.
After a few minutes, these two young women in bikinis appear and they come and sit down quite near me and chat to each other. They are at least 15 years younger than I am. The blonde one is attractive. The dark one is attractive and has the most amazing figure. If I looked like that, I would wear bikinis all day, every day, to the supermarket and the office and everything. So they are chatting away and I guess I naively thought that’s what they were there for.
Then this guy appears and walks over to the jacuzzi. He looks like he’s about 28 or 29, the same age as these girls and he is hench. He is a solid wall of muscle. There isn’t an ounce of fat on him. Perfect skin. Pretty face. I stared at his chest and abs in an undisguised way as he stepped into the jacuzzi. Then a miracle occurs and he comes to sit down next to me. He’s now on the other side of me from these two girls, who I’ve already forgotten about.
I oh so casually turn towards him, casually start a conversation and presto, my natural charm kicks in and since young Harris, as he turns out to be called, is not short of natural charm himself, in about ten seconds we are engaged in lively conversation like the very best of friends. I flirted with him and he told me everything I could want to know about his diet and body-building regime. I told him about my Permanent Locker and he impressed the hell out of me by revealing that he is at the gym so much that he is the proud owner of two permanent lockers. Two. Right next to each other. I admired his locker-related achievements. It was so much fun!
After a while I couldn’t talk to him any more because I had chlorine and mascara in my eyes, which is a bad mix. I got out to dry my eyes, exposing my less than perfect bikini-clad body. Then I got back in and chatted him up a bit more but after a couple more minutes he decided it was time to make a move. So he left. Then I left. I cannot help thinking that the sight of my imperfect physique ruined the moment but hey ho. What can I do but keep dieting.
So I considered that a pretty nice win, anyway, because what could be more exciting than sitting in the jacuzzi talking to some guy who looks like an unblemished young god. After that I went and had a bowl of soup because I was starving and finally I went to the women’s locker room to get ready to go home, and that’s where I encountered the dark-haired girl with the amazing body and she gave me Bad Looks. And that’s when I suddenly realised that she had her eye on Harris as well. And I cock-blocked her. Even though I am 15 years older than her and in much worse shape.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I went out today and bought Rimmel 100% Waterproof Mascara. Which I thoroughly tested in the pool and jacuzzi this evening and I can confirm that it completely works. Just in case you are as much of a, erm, star as me.
Back to dating sluts and stars.
Slick Rick: Behind Bars (1994)