Month: August 2013

And we are almost ready to go.

I haven’t finished packing but we are getting there. The important stuff is done. I am checked in for my flight and the house is clean (enough for family). I can throw some more clothes and a bit of knitting in a suitcase right now easily enough.

I downed tools earlier because it was getting on for about four o’clock and I suddenly realised I was missing blazing sunshine outside so I packed my gym bag and went out for a few hours, in fact I didn’t get home until 9.30. Highlights:

– Went out for a 10 mile brisk march in the sunshine.

– Returned to gym for a 45 minute weights session.

– Sat in the jacuzzi for half an hour and smiled at a cute boy.

They should stay open all night. I would go. I am thinking of upgrading my membership when I get back from this trip so I can spend more time there.

I just cannot tell you how excited I am to have the opportunity to exercise on a full time basis for the next several days. It is just what I need. I can really concentrate on getting fit. I am seeing results, as one would jolly well hope given the amount of effort I’m putting in, but I am desperate to get rid of the last few pounds of fat that are firmly glued to my waist and hips and that are obscuring what is probably a not bad set of abs. I was checking myself out in the mirror at the gym on the way to the jacuzzi, and while I have pretty nice arms and legs, and I don’t look awful overall, I do look pale, podgy and flabby around the middle in a bikini.

However, readers, note that I am now wearing bikinis in public situations so you can tell that the TLYW Fitness Mofos campaign, which is now two months old, is GRADUALLY OMG SO GRADUALLY yielding dividends. At this rate, I should be scorching hot just in time for the Christmas online dating season.

Oh, there’s one more bit of news. I might have met someone. On the dating site. We haven’t met in person yet but he seems adorable. He really reminds me of young Klaus, who brought me so much happiness, love and support in 2012. So we will see. Even more of a reason to concentrate on getting buff. Maybe I will even consider getting a spa treatment.

Look at that, I wrote a whole post without any Honcho-related wangst. 1 Sanity point. And 2 Health points for earlier.


10 miles out in the hot sun today. I like my 10-mile walking route. I play fast dance music for the first part, which includes hills, then stop for breakfast at mile 8, then stroll home the last two miles with James Brown because that brother is really speaking to me right now. 1 Health point.

James Brown: Cold Sweat

A much-needed change of scene.

Tonight’s date contacted me (last night, actually) to say he needed to postpone because of work. So what I did this evening instead was go to the gym to lift weights, have a light meal and then go out to briskly walk 10 miles because I am hardcore. 2 Health points. I need to go and update the Achievements page right now because I am racking up points so fast that it keeps falling behind.

That concludes my chance to fall in love in London, at least for the time being. I now have about 48 hours to clean my house and make it ready for my house-sitter because it is time to get the hell out of Dodge and go back to the Middle East. I am not going to Egypt to see Abdul, but it is nearly that exciting. More details will be revealed as the story unfolds. Relevant highlights of the trip: (1) there is no work; (2) it is several days; (3) ALL I am going to do is exercise. I am going to use the gym every day, retrain myself to run, swim in the pool, swim in the sea, eat healthily, get a tan, get some clean, fresh air.

And maybe, just maybe, someone will take me into the desert.

Readers, I need this trip. Dealing with the Honcho is often stressful but this recent round of negotiations has been most dreadfully gruelling and I am inclined to be sad. Getting out of the UK is just what I need. Leave him in his little house in his crap little town (for readers, he does not even have the common decency to live in London) and fly far, far away to the lands of camels, deserts, coral reefs, the burning sun and men, dark of countenance, whose beautiful faces look as though they were carved out of stone.

Let’s have some music. I love this tune. I know it’s only Take That but it sounds exactly like the Beatles in their Sergeant Pepper era.

Take That: Shine

Seven Reasons Why I Love To Walk

I love walking! I love it. I couldn’t get enough of it today. Reasons why:

  1. It is as aerobically demanding as you want it to be. You can stroll or you can zoom along. No matter how out of shape you may be, there’s a comfortable pace for you, that you can find. Obviously if you want to lose weight and build muscle you want to eventually work up to going quite fast. Which I usually do. My walking is faster than some people’s jogging.
  2. With the right music, you feel like you can go forever. I have strong muscles in my legs now and my stamina feels like it might be unlimited.
  3. It is low impact and that means it is super easy on your joints. And your bosoms. You still need a good bra. I dress the same as one would for long distance running: strong bra, padded socks. It is worth being comfortable.
  4. You don’t have to concentrate. I find with running I really have to concentrate the whole time. Concentrate on not tripping over something and concentrate on making myself keep doing it. Walking means you can enjoy your surroundings more and check out other people in the neighbourhood and stuff, or even listen to an audio book when you are tired of dance music.
  5. There isn’t a warm up period. Walking is its own warm up. Also, with running I find that even when I’ve been really good at it, the first 10-15 minutes of any run is horrible, it feels completely unnatural and you have to wait for your body to stop resisting. This doesn’t happen with walking, it is all fun from the first minute to the last.
  6. Walking will make you perspire but not pour with sweat, make you go pink in the face but not purple, will make you pant but not gasp. Better. More attractive. If I’m going to spend all this money on exercise clothing I want to look sexy in it and not like an aubergine that’s been stuffed into a Nike vest. Speaking of which …
  7. It is absolutely terrific for your posture. I cannot tell you how much I love this. If you’ve ever done any running, you’ll have observed that many, many people have the most horrible, awkward and painful-looking running style, and indeed I am sure I am one such. People run with their shoulders hunched up around their ears, they run with little flappy Tyrannosaurus Rex arms flapping uselessly in front of them, some people spring into the air on each step and land so heavily you fear they are going to break something. They do this because running is hard. It is a massive effort. There often isn’t the brain capacity to concentrate on good posture because you are using all your concentration on just making yourself run along. That’s why it is often not that pretty to look at. Now let me tell you something about walking. If you want to walk at a fast pace, I mean fast, the kind to get you properly out of breath, without actually breaking into a run, here’s what you will need to do. First, shorten your stride. Quick march, like in the Army. Their posture is always great, right? If they know anything, they know about fucking marching around. So shorten your steps and swing your arms neatly and quick-march in time with the music. See, you are going faster now, with shorter, faster steps. Now here’s the only way you are going to increase your pace more: straighten your back; head up; chin up; shoulders down and back, engage your abs. That’s what shape an erect human body is supposed to be. It looks great, it feels great and it improves your posture in the rest of your daily life. I sit up a lot straighter in my chair at work now.

I walked 12 miles today, a personal best. In the early part of the day I walked 9 miles at a cracking pace, outside in the hot sun, one of my favourite things to do. I loved it. I was sad when it came to an end, I wanted more. I am very happy indeed to report that this walk passed without any Honcho-related mental health incidents. At no point did I send him pictures of myself in a bra or call him a twat. It was good. Everyone was calm today and did not fuck with each other.

This evening I went out to meet tonight’s date. He didn’t show up, which I thought he might not do. Occupational hazard of internet dating, happens occasionally. I waited for him for 10 minutes and then I left, secretly pleased because this meant I could use the time to have a good long walk home.

I got off the tube three miles from my house, just in time to watch the sun set. I put my taut, muscular legs on the Cruise Control setting, loaded up some James Brown on the iPhone and prowled home like a pimp in his best suit. 2 Health points.

Like a, like a sex machine, man. Movin, doin it, you know.

James Brown: Get Up

Weakly Weigh-In

Down 1 pound. I am 146 pounds. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me, to see the numbers going in the right direction, especially now we are in that magic zone below 150.

Last night’s date was a non-starter. He was sweet but there’s nothing happening. He’s older than Klaus was when I met him, but Klaus already had a well-developed philosophy, there was something to work with. This kid says things like ‘I would like to be a poet’. Yes, well. I’d like a pony.

Another date tonight, 2 of 3 this week. Will let you know what happens.

Exercise your way to mental health (very slowly).

  • Weights at the gym (okay).
  • Running on treadmill (rubbish, managed about 20 minutes and not consecutively).
  • Remember that you didn’t eat any breakfast and have a protein shake.
  • Leave all your stuff at the gym and go out to walk 8 miles because of crap treadmill performance. Stop at mile 4 and email the Honcho a picture of yourself in a sports bra, invite him out to have sex with you, and call him a tosser, all in the same email. I wonder if he is starting to hate me as much as I hate him. I think I would, in his situation.
  • Return to gym, get in jacuzzi for 20 minutes.
  • Start to feel faint. Remember that you still didn’t eat. Try to eat something.

I am tired, I have wet hair and I want to sleep. I think I overdid it. Now I have to put make up on and go out and meet tonight’s date, I don’t know how I am even going to muster up the energy to get there, much less talk to the dude.

Honcho didn’t reply so it looks like he’s not speaking to me again. THANK YOU. Thank Satan one of us has some common sense.

2 Health points.