Didn’t I say I was going to review trashy celebrity workout DVDs? I have just watched and performed The Jordan Workout, and very funny it is too. It is mostly exercise but there is quite a long food and diet section as well. “Real chocolate tastes horrible” says Jordan.
Jordan is funny, she has zero presenting skills and is completely wooden and insincere. Near the beginning of the video she claims never to have dieted or done any kind of exercise prior to meeting her current nutrionist and trainer, but then later on she’s evidently forgotten saying any of this and remarks that she’s “done all diets”. Hmm. If you are interested, the diet she promotes on this DVD involves this quite nice bloke showing her how to shove loads of fruit and veg through a juicer. “Your mouth is a blender!” says Diet Guy, raising the question of why you wouldn’t just shove the fruit and veg in your mouth instead. You have the juice for breakfast and lunch. Jordan acts surprised that the juice tastes of fruit and veg. Duh.
Jordan’s workout room is pink and looks like a teenager’s bedroom.
Jordan’s fitness trainer takes her and us through a workout that is quite upper-body focused, lots of boxing-style punches, which are quite fun. Jordan appears not to make much effort in this section but her trainer is trying a bit harder.
More punches and pretend skipping. The skipping is laugh out loud funny. You see, neither of them has a skipping rope, so they are just bouncing up and down on their tiptoes, flapping their hands at elbow height. This is almost the sort of thing you would expect Jordan to do, but her trainer is really big and beefy and the effect is highly camp, especially in such a sparkly pink room.
This section is actually quite good, although not very long. There are squats and lunges for your legs and glutes. Then press ups, different kinds. Then abs: two kinds of plank, a couple of isometric holds and some crunches. Jordan is stronger than she looks.
Meh. Nothing to write home about. Hamstrings, arms, the usual routine.
Funny. Inadvertently so, most of the time. Jordan keeps saying the wrong thing. She says things like “Eww, this juice looks horrible but it tastes all right – well unless you don’t put the avocado in, then it’s more bitter”. Perhaps the best line, though, goes to the nutritionist. He is talking about bread, which Jordan is more enthusiastic about, and Diet Guy says “White bread right, cockroaches will only eat white bread when they are desperate”, at which Jordan understandably looks bewildered and peeved, in a rare moment of sincerity.
Bewildered and peeved is how you might feel if you bought this DVD.
Comedy: 7/10. Not recommended for actual fitness & dieting.