Month: February 2011

Achievements large and small

It is a funny old time.

I have definitively Quit Smoking. I do not wish I could have a cigarette and I am glad to be free of the cognitive dissonance that all smokers endure. I am not staring at smokers with envy. I do not think about smoking the whole time.

On the other hand. I keep forgetting to breathe: that’s happening quite a lot, and I seem to have heightened senses, which I don’t remember from last time and which I hope is illusory and temporary. Like today I was on the train and a woman two seats away was eating crisps. To me it sounded like gunfire and I had to move to another carriage because it was that or yank the bag of crisps out of her hand and destroy them underfoot.

Also, quitting smoking is making my usual Achievements feel a bit paltry. I went to my sculpture class. I’ve done well in excess of 40 minutes’ walking on at least two occasions that I can’t even be bothered to document. Tonight I am defrosting the freezer, which previously would have been a big wow since I’ve never attempted such a thing before, and which currently I can’t be bothered to congratulate myself over.

So that is where we are up to. It is a funny time. I’m not even having Achievement points for quitting smoking just yet because I don’t know that I care enough to enjoy them.

The main thing is that I am well and truly out of the weekend of cold turkey angst and I don’t wish to smoke. Also, I am doing my new, quite demanding and complicated dental hygiene routine and my gums are already looking better. So that’s briliant, isn’t it. And that’s all today’s news.

TLYW: I hate it. Bring back TLYDW.

Aaaargh raaargh fuck my life, I don’t want it any more.

I am not smoking and I am too chicken to kill myself. I am pathetic. Also, I am in the most bitchy, evil-tempered mood of all time.

Only Allen can save me. I am reading every word on every page in every chapter. At some point he’s supposed to make me believe that I never enjoyed smoking and that I want to give up. Hurry up Allen. Hurry. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on.

Paging Allen Carr

Okay, not smoking is feeling bad. I am really stressed. I seem to lack motivation and it is making it a lot harder than I remember it being.

I now remember that a big factor in the last time I quit smoking – for a year, mind you – was the late, great Allen Carr. Although I can’t remember what motivated me to look him up in the first place, I do recall hanging on his every word. And that quitting smoking was completely painless and substantially over in about 2-3 days.

I found the book I used last time, still on my shelf. I’m re-reading it now. He did it before and he can do it again. He is the Flylady of smoking. Allen, I’m calling on you now. It’s your time.

Cross

Very cross and irritable today. Feeling very hard done by. Want to smoke. Can’t.

I gave up smoking once before, for a whole year. I remember that time. I was so full of Smug. You see, at that time, for some reason that I’ve since forgotten, I actually wanted to give up smoking. So I was full of vigour and enthusiasm for my new project. I revelled in thoughts of my improved health. I also went to the gym a lot, and I mean a lot. For a whole year I was a smug Gym Bitch who exercised every single day and talked smugly and at length about exercise every single day.

Gym Bitch was happy to quit smoking. I think that would have been around 2002. If you are interested in what happened, after a whole year of daily gym, during which time my abs looked terrific, I incurred various injuries. Findng myself unable to walk for 3 weeks thanks to a yoga teacher who I will never forgive myself for not suing and/or beating to death in the car park, I promptly took up smoking again and immediately felt like my old self. Gym Bitch was never seen or heard of again.

So that was 2002. The difference this time around is that I have zero enthusiasm for what I am doing. I am just doing it because of the dental work. I am doing it because my teeth can’t take it any more. To be quite honest, between smoking and teeth, if I had a completely free choice, I would say that smoking has given me a substantial amount more pleasure over the years than having teeth has ever yielded. However. I’m only 40 something. I have to expect to go on being alive for a while yet and it seems like having teeth is more or less compulsory in Britain so it is no longer my decision if I want to continue to be involved in polite society.

Blah.

Yesterday, the Fire Brigade came round. They had been badgering me for months to come and put up a smoke alarm and dispense information about fire safety, so yesterday I finally let them. Of course the senior fire dude wanted to know if I smoked (I said no, I just quit) and of course he wanted to enthuse about his own success in giving up smoking and of course he had to keep saying things like “Put all the money you would have spent into a jar and buy a treat with it!”

I did not say anything rude but I did sit there looking at him like he was a twat. And I know it showed because I could see him being crestfallen that his enthusiasm wasn’t making an impression.

Just shut up, Timmy. I am glad you had fun putting your treat money in a jar, you monkey. If I wanted a treat, I would use my credit card, and if I wanted a really special treat I would use it to chop up a line of coke. Now fuck off.

Like I said. Irritable. Cross.

Art homework

I have to do art homework tonight. The pressure is on. I have to decide what to make. So I have to go one step further than just collecting inspirational examples and actually sketch something. A sketch accompanied by manufacturing notes is what’s needed.

___________________________________

Okay, I’m starting to have ideas. Notes here.

Aquarium decorations: the scenes they create.

Light-up pump thingy makes illuminated columns of coloured bubbles appear.

Easter Island replicas

The sea

Other unlikely scenes: Jake & Dinos Chapman

Dentist, smoking, blargh.

I earned myself 1 Health point yesterday by going to see the gum specialist, even though I had a migraine starting and wanted to cancel.

He was a lovely chap. Very sympathetic. I have to have lots of expensive work done. Sigh. Even worse, I have to give up smoking. Now. Now is the time. Before I embark on months of oral surgery.

OMG. Don’t want to. Have to. I have loved being a smoker. Loved it. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. I always knew that some day I’d have to quit. Now the day is here. This is it. Say goodbye to the soft blue trails of Doing The Wrong Thing.

::cries::